BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I’ve been Googled.

Of course, that probably isn’t news to anyone. In fact, some of you reading this very blog post may well have arrived here courtesy of a Google search… Or Yahoo… Or MSN Live… Or any one of countless other Internet “search engines.”

I bring up Google, in particular, because it seems to be one of the more popular search pages out there. And, why shouldn’t they be? After all, they have all the money… Well, them and Bill Gates, but that last bit just goes without saying.

But, in this case, I haven’t just been Googled. I’ve been Googleified. In case you are wondering exactly what Googleify is, it’s my own special word. It is a combination of Google, from the colloquial Google, trademark for a search engine, and mystify, from the French mistifier, from mystère mystery, from Latin mysterium, to bewilder.

Yeah… Google has gone and mystified me. Or, as I like to say, Googleified. (Soon, I’ll be adding a petition for you all to sign. Maybe we can get Webster to add it to the lexicon… But, that’s a different chicken…)

The thing here is, and I have mentioned this before, WordPress tracks incoming traffic to this blog. In doing so, it logs all manner of cool stuff. Things like, IP addresses, country of origin, search phrases, and referring pages. Well, it isn’t very surprising that quite a bit of the incoming traffic to Brainpan Leakage comes from Google. Sure, there is plenty of traffic from other search engines, and there is also a good share from folks who arrive via notification emails, Twitter, and the like. But, where Internet searches are concerned, the overwhelming majority of the visitors arrive here courtesy of the Big Multicolored G.

So, I am sure you are now wondering why in the hell there is a picture of a provocatively clad woman astride a broomstick embedded on the left. Well, believe it or not, it isn’t a result of my “I Can Haz Blog?” post back in February. What I mean is, I’m not just sticking it in here to generate traffic, besides which, she’s not naked and it is a pretty common picture, so I doubt it would draw any visitors in the first place. And, no, Virginia, it’s not just so I can have something pretty to look at. If that were the case, she would be a redhead and look just like E K… Yes, I’m a little single minded in that respect. And no, E K doesn’t have that outfit… Well, actually she has something really, really close, but it’s not exact. Actually, it’s much better… So there…

But, on with the blog… Believe it or not, there is actually a salient point behind the picture. Well… It’s obvious to me since I’m the one writing the blog, but that’s not the point. What is the point, however, is that the picture actually has something to do with Google, in a silly, roundabout sort of way.

You see, when the WordPress plugin that tracks incoming traffic tells me how people arrived at my site, it actually extracts a list of the search words used. As you already know, these search words are matched to content, description text, and meta-keywords, on an indexed site, which is how Google, and other search engines for that matter, provide you with a list of websites. But, enough techie talk…

As you would rightfully surmise, there is the laundry list of obvious search parameters that land folks here at Brainpan Leakage. Things like…

• Sellars
• Brainpan
• Rowan Gant
• Paranormal Mystery
• And so on…

There are quite a few others. Some of them obscure, some not so much. Usually they make at least a little bit of sense… Such as “Erma Bombeck.” After all, I wrote a blog entry about one of her columns, so it isn’t really all that surprising that a search of her name would lead you here at some point. However, as I was perusing the the list the other day I ran across one that gave me pause…

“witches with big tits”

… Obviously we had someone here who was a boob man… Or woman… I’m not about to discriminate. And, by the same token this individual apparently had a fetish for Witches, or more likely if I were to place a bet on it, the colloquial “Witch Costume” sex fantasy sort of thing… I mean, let’s face it, even I still get a bit of a tingle from the adolescent memories of Elizabeth Montgomery in her Witchy garb…

Now, I have to admit, upon seeing this search phrase I assumed there had to be some kind of mistake. After all, a search like that should probably have landed this person at www.dorothymorrison.com.

Oh, chill out… Dorothy and I are like siblings and we pick at each other like this all the time. You folks know that… Not to mention that she makes plenty of her own jokes about her chest. Rumor has it she slings lightning bolts from her tits, but I’ve yet to see this myself, and I’ve been on tour with her more times than I could count, even if I took off my shoes and socks. So, if you ask me, I think that whole lightning thing is just a PR gimmick…

But, back to this particular Googleification leading someone to Brainpan Leakage…

After ruminating a bit, I thought maybe the phrase in question might have something to do with the op-ed entry I wrote about Facebook and the breast-feeding pictures issue. But, after going back and having a look, I didn’t find a direct mention of “big tits” in there… Not even “small tits”… Boobs, yes. Tits, no… And, definitely no mention of witches…

So, back to the drawing board I went…

Well, it took me some time, but I finally sussed it out. Seems Google had indexed the page containing the sample chapter from Never Burn A Witch, and in that particular sample was the scene where the old bum was singing his ditty about the ample-chested weather girl. All three of the primary search words from the phrase, (we aren’t counting with), were there on that page. And, if you want to count “with” anyway, it was there too.

Simple enough. Mystery solved. For a moment, I was no longer Googleified…

However, that didn’t last long. You see, I thought maybe I would look into figuring out some of the other strange search tags that brought visitors to Brainpan Leakage. It wasn’t long before I was “Google Eyed” and had a headache… If any of you would like to help, I’m still looking for connection to the following…

• R?zus p?rti?a apraksts
• ????????? ??
• jak przej?? gr? rattle and clank
• pokrútené ?revá u detí
• syntymäpäivä kortti

Ya’know… On second thought, don’t worry about it.

I think I’ll just go look at that sexy witch picture… Better yet, I’ll just go look at E K. Maybe if I’m really convincing, I can get her to wear her pointy hat and babe on a broomstick outfit…

More to come…

Murv

…With thanks to Thomas Dolby for the snippet of song lyric which titles this entry. Actually, this all happened yesterday, but I warned y’all I’d probably be too tired to post my travel-blog until this morning, so there!

But, let’s get down to business – Yes, I flew north in order to go south east. I know, doesn’t make sense to me either, but like I said before, there was no way to get to Wayne, NE from St. Louis. It was one of those “can’t get there from here” situations, and that included the reverse trip as well.

At any rate, the following is a chronicle of my trip home, after Ron (the Wayne State College SF Club Faculty Advisor and one hell of a great guy) dropped me off at the airport.

@mrsellars – Time to get my FLY SUX t-shirt. [browse…browse] [go to counter with t-shirt in hand]

@SUX_Cashier – Gonna buy a t-shirt?

@mrsellars – No, I just figured I’d carry it around the store for a while.

@SUX_Cashier – o_o

@mrsellars – It’s a joke. I’ll take two of these FLY SUX pilot’s wings pins too.

@SUX_Cashier – Really want that stuff, huh?

@mrsellars – Absolutely. It’s a moral imperative.

@SUX_Security_Guard – At least you have morals.

@mrsellars – Oh yeah. But of course, I didn’t say they were good morals.

@SUX_Security_Guard – O_o

@SUX_Cashier – O_o

@Egg_Beater_Express – [Arriving at Gate 2] Pttthpppbtt…  whirrr…. pthbbbhhhtttttt… skreee… whirrr… Spit… Koff… Koff… Sputter… Klunk… Pop!

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – Oh yeah… This should be fun.

@mrsellars – Wonders how they are going to fit all of the 4000 Asian individuals milling around the terminal onto that single plane.

[Boarding time]

@Gate_2 – [half dozen Asian passengers board plane] [remaining 3994 Asian folks wave from other side of TSA security checkpoint.]

@mrsellars – Now that’s a big family… O_o

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Welcome aboard, don’tchaknow, Yah… We’re all goin to Manny-Sowda dere, all righty. Okey-dokey… Let’s all go ice fishin’ when we get dere… okey-dokey? Yah, don’tchaknow…

@mrsellars – Shoot me now…

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Somethin’ to drink dere?

@mrsellars – Coffee?

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Oh yah, I got some Kah-Fee dere. Yah want anything in it dere?

@mrsellars – Not unless it’s really bad coffee.

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Ohhhh, I heard all about you dere, don’tcha know… You just fasten up your seatbelt dere mister…

@Egg_Beater_Express – Ptthhbbbppptptt… Pthbbt… Whirr… Whocka… Thumpa… Pthbbbttttt…

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – How in the hell can it be so far from Gate A3 to B1?

@MN-SP_Airport – Arrive Gate A3… Connection Gate B1… No, B3… Wait… Okay, B8… B8, yah, that’s it dere don’tchaknow… Stay at B8 dere… Yah… All good dere… Yah, go get noms… We’ll be right here when you get back don’tchaknow…

@mrsellars – [Goes for noms]

@mrsellars – Same employees at Quiznos. Still moving in slow motion. Caribou coffee again.

@mrsellars – [returns from getting noms]

@MN-SP_Airport – PSYCHE! Connection now at B14…

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – Consumed another not so stellar wrap – Honey Mustard chicken this time. Plenty of lettuce ribs from trash included… Mmmm-mmm-mmm, good fiber. More blue green algae. Total cost of $2 wrap and $1 drink, $12.35…

@mrsellars – Price discrepancy due to purchasing coffee at Caribou Coffee as well. Not in the mood for pencil shavings today. Plus, if tasting E Kay’s stockings would prefer she be present (See: We’re Off To See The Blizzard…)

@mrsellars – Still not telling…

@Young_Hottie_Passenger – [Waving at man walking past gate] Hey! Old Guy!!

@Old_Guy_Passenger – [Stops] Hey… How are you?

@Old_Guy’s_Wife – Are you flirting with women AGAIN!!!

@mrsellars – Hmmm… Impending catfight?

@Young_Hottie_Passenger – But… But… I just sat next to him on the plane…

@Old_Guy’s_Wife – Oh yeah, Beeyotch!!

@mrsellars – @other_passenger – Gimme $50 on the old chick.

@Flight_Attendant – Sir, can I ask you to move so that this family can sit together.

@mrsellars – Sure.

@mrsellars – [move move move]

@Old_Asian_Guy_Across_Aisle – [Looks] [points] [elbows wife] [points] [both proceed to jabber to one another while pointing and staring]

@mrsellars – Hmmmm… Apparently Asian Minnesotans have never seen a guy in shorts either.

@STL_Lambert_Airport – Your luggage will be at M6… No wait… M3…. No… M4… PSYCHE! M6…

@mrsellars – O_o

Arrive Passenger Pickup Area

@EK – Dammit, you made the flight… I thought I told you to go for a walk in that blizzard?

@mrsellars – I did.

@EK – And you found your way back?

@mrsellars – Yeah.

@EK – Dammit.

@mrsellars – @EK – You’re looking exceptionally pretty today.

@EK – Of course I am.

@Offspring – Psshbbbbppttt! Daaahhhhddddyyyy… It’s just because you haven’t seen her for a few days.

@EK – O_o

@mrsellars – O_o

Finally Home

@EK – I read your blogs.

@mrsellars – Okay.

@EK – I know about the other cow.

@mrsellars – Yeah.

@EK – Did you get me any steaks?

@mrsellars – Nope. Locals beat me to it again.

@EK – Stay right here. I’m going to go get something to beat you with.

@mrsellars – Yes ma’am.

And so ends the odyssey… Well, not completely. I have some film to drop off, and I already have a few of the digital pix courtesy of Ron. I’ll be throwing together a retrospective via my newsletter in the next few days.

Thanks again to everyone at WillyCon and Wayne State College for letting me be a part of their convention. I had a blast. Oh, and now I can say I’ve weathered a minor blizzard too.

More to come…

Murv