BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I had pie this weekend. In fact, I had some seriously kick-a$$ pie this weekend.

Now, in case you are running to check your calendars, no, this was not “Pie Weekend” as designated by the TV Food Network, or even by me for that matter. I just happened to have some pie this weekend. Seriously kick-a$$ pie in case you didn’t catch that the first go around.

However, I suppose I should back up and flesh out the story a bit so that you don’t think I am merely bragging on the fact that I had some kick-a$$ pie this weekend. In point of fact, that is exactly what I am doing, but since I get paid to make up lies – hence the job title “Author” – I shall proceed to toss random words at this blog until I have obscured the fact that I am merely bragging on the pie. Rest assured, that if subliminal suggestion works as it should, while you will come away from this blog thinking it was about something else, you will definitely remember the pie. If it doesn’t work, well hell, you’ll remember the pie anyway, because that’s what this is really all about after all.

So anyway, there was this intimate little gathering here in St. Louis this past weekend. It took place at Tower Grove Park downtown. Like I said, it was small and intimate. Only about 12 gazillion people showed up. Yes, I’m talking about the 16th annual Pagan Picnic.

An event that started all those years ago as a group of Pagans meeting up in the park, progressed to a picnic lunch, and has now morphed into the single largest two day pagan/alternative spirituality festival in the Greater St. Louis area. I try to make it a point to attend each year if my schedule allows, and they always do me up a nice spot in the shade where I can sign books, chat with folks, and even hold a workshop or two. It’s a blast each and every time I go. Just to give you an idea about how much fun this thing is, this year’s guest speakers included Moi, Dorothy Morrison, Mickie Mueller, River Higginbotham (his partner, the lovely Joyce was out of town, unfortunately), Tish Owen, Terry Hinkle, Mike Nichols, Wendy Martin, Don Lewis, and Ellen Dugan, so there was definitely a full ticket. In addition there were musical guests and about a million vendors of all things fine, wonderful, pretty, shiny, funny, wearable, and even edible (no, not wearable and edible like, well, you know, those edible ummm, well… Anyhow, you know what I mean. You could buy a t-shirt, or some meat on a stick. Best 12 inches you’ll ever have… Oh my, this is just getting worse.. Ummm… Back to the pie I think…Damn, that could be taken out of context too… Well, stop it. Get your minds out of the gutter and read along.)

So, back to the G-rated version…The only drawback with the picnic this year was the heat. It was just plain hot, muggy, and whenever there was a breeze, it was also hot and muggy. Plus, it would try to pick up our canopy and make it fly away, but that’s another story. (A legendary story in fact… One they call “Hang Gliding Pagan Authors,” but I’ll let someone else tell that…) Anyway, just to be on the safe side, I have already put in my suggestion for next year to be cooler. I’m sincerely hoping that the organizers manage to talk the parks department into installing air conditioning and sofas before the next picnic. You know, the kind of sofas with the recliner and built in cooler for icy beverages. I could be all about that. Especially if it had pie. (Thought I’d forgotten about the pie didn’t you?)

So…Anyway…Saturday night was what my dear friend “Anastasia the Language Bitch” has officially declared the “Murvmoot”. That being the BBQ and Party at Murv’s house… You know, My house… (BTW, I just officially declared her the language bitch since she speaks like forty gazillion of them, but she doesn’t know about this yet… Imagine her surprise when she finds out her new nickname. Shhhhh… Don’t tell her. I want it to be a surprise… BTW – let me be clear on this, Anastasia is NOT a bitch. It’s a nickname…all in fun…that sort of thing… you know…)

So, on with the double talking -pie- Since we had several out of town guests, including Dorothy Morrison and Tish Owen, -pie- we were set to party. Anastasia and Mike came over, as well as my publicist and bud “Chunkee.” World reknowned artist, Johnathan Minton and his S.O. were in attendance, as well as Patrick Owen, Tobacconist Extraordinaire, and the high exalted poobah of Paganism, Reverend Duane Marhsall and his squeeze, Officer Jackie (Don’t ask. She has a badge and she knows how to use it.)

The evening was ever the blast with much alcohol consumed, followed by many pork steaks, much smoked turkey, cole slaw, tater salad, baked beans, and all the other trimmin’s tossed in there as well. This, of course, was followed by much more alcohol… (No, I didn’t forget….)

Anywho, one of the guests not mentioned above (because he is getting the special mention HERE) happened to be a dear friend and co-founder of the “Murv’s Stalkers” (Yes, that is what they call my official fan club. Yeah. Not kidding. If you are interested in joining, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with them. Or, maybe one of them will put a comment under here with a link or something…) So, to continue… Meester Seitzenheimer (aka just about anything you want to call him) brought along with him a couple of homemade Key lime pies.

He was not aware that Key lime pie is one of my absolute all time favorites.

He is now.

Therefore, I had some seriously kick-a$$ pie this weekend. And, you know what’s even better? The leftovers stayed here. Guess what? I’m gonna go have some more kick-a$$ pie.

See… I told you it was all about the pie.

More to come…

Murv

…to elicit a prescribed response.

Yeah, I stole that from Roadhouse. Why? Well, because I think it is a funny line when heard in context, but mainly because I just came back from Texas. Okay, okay, you silly movie purists, I know Roadhouse supposedly took place in a fictional town outside of Kansas City… But, it might as well have been Texas, so just bear with me a bit, okay?

Get your coffee and settle in. This one is going to be long…

So, Texas…

First off, I did manage to find my passport. While the hat police did have a bit of an issue with me when I got off the plane at DFW, they finally granted me a Visitors Visa and due to my nationality (US Citizen) the cowboy boots and hat ordinance were waved – something to do with diplomatic immunity or some such. Anyway, that meant I didn’t have to wear a hat or spend four thousand dollars on a pair of cowboy boots, which is all good. Not sure I could have expensed that one and gotten away with it.

As soon as the Visa was issued I walked 916 miles from terminal A to terminal B (had it been over 1000 I would have taken the skytrain/tram/thingamajig). After arriving there I grabbed a 99 cent turkey sandwich from Starbucks. (AKA Star-make-a-Bucks…Note, I did NOT say I actually paid 99 cents for it. In fact, I think I paid something on the order of 6 bucks for it…And these were real bucks, not “star” bucks… It was, however, still nothing more than a 99 cent turkey sandwich if you get my meaning.) After that I did my good deed for the day by opening a bottle of orange juice for a little Asian boy whose family couldn’t read the instructions on the side of the bottle. Only then did I catch my connecting flight, which was interesting in itself. Why? Because we took off, had a glass of water really quickly as Nancy, our flight attendant, did a wind sprint up the aisle and back, then we landed. Yeah…short flight. REALLY short flight. I’m given to understand it would have been even shorter but we had to fly around Dubyah’s ranch…National security and all.

Arrive Killeen/Fort Hood…I had been told that everything in Texas was big. The Killeen Regional Airport, however, was the exception. 6 gates and a parking lot. Let’s just say the average K-Mart is a LOT bigger than this airport. But, they had my luggage, so it was all good…Now, speaking of luggage, as I wait for it to arrive I look out the front windows of the airport…Across the parking lot I can see Morrison waving her arms. But, she wasn’t waving at me…she was simply talking…(You see, if you were to tie her arms at her sides she wouldn’t be able to talk…So, no gag necessary. Just don’t let her wave her arms and she’ll be quiet.) With her she has the sisters. As in, the Sisters of the Earth and Sea. Now things get really interesting…

I really don’t want to bore y’all with a long and drawn out diatribe, so I’ll touch on the important points…

1) We were assigned “handlers” so that everything would run smoothly. You’ll see why I tell you this in a minute…

2) We have these ABSOLUTELY INSANE rooms at the hotel… And, when I say insane I mean they are the size of my living room and dining room put together, with enough amenities to make them self-sufficient. See below…

3) We had baskets full of cool stuff like cigars, booze, and the ever necessary Texas to English/English to Texas dictionary. Very important while visiting a foreign country when you don’t speak the language.

4) We had itineraries which included times blocked out for fabulous dinners. (Yeah, they FED US! Can you believe that? I didn’t even have to beg an MRE!)

So anyway, I suppose I should get to the good stuff.

Day one – We do a meet and greet that evening after being checked into the hotel and given some time to freshen up. The Meet ’n Greet goes off famously. We meet and we greet a ton of wonderful folks at a local restaurant bar, where they have our promo posters hanging in the windows and everything. We even get a visit from several members of the local Chamber of Commerce.

Day two: Our handlers retrieve us from the hotel late morning. Morrison and I have had plenty of time to relax, have leisurely breakfast, and sit around shooting the breeze while downing several pots of coffee.

When our handlers arrive at the hotel they have the front desk call us from the lobby. I had not yet perused my Texas to English dictionary and that combined with the fact that I am hard of hearing to begin with led to a bit of confusion – It went something like this:

Ring! Ring!

Murv: Hello?

Front Desk: Is this Mister Sellars?

Murv: That’s what it said on my driver’s license when I checked it this morning.

Front Desk: (confused silence) Ummm, okay… I was asked to call you and tell you that the Bride is here.

Murv: (chuckle) She is? Well, what’s she wearing?

Front Desk: (VERY CONFUSED Silence) Uhhh… Ummm… Multi-colored tie-dye.

Murv: Okay, tell her I’ll be right there.

Front Desk: Ummm…yeah. Okay.

During the elevator ride to the lobby Morrison and I discuss the confusion on the part of the desk clerk. It finally dawns on me that she and her Texasness had said to me “The RIDE is here.” Rather than allow Morrison to use this as a story to embarrass me, I make a preemptive strike and tell everyone about it myself, effectively turning it into a great anecdote and reaping the humor benefit for myself (2 points for me.)

Anywho, after having a good laugh over this we get taken to a wonderful lunch, then off to the store (Sisters of the Earth and Sea) where we meet up with many of the wonderful folks we had met the night before such as, Helga the Evil German Woman (also known as Althie – she owes me Sauerbraten next time I’m there…), Stephanie the adMINION, Tiger, Mark, Spanky the Wonder Monkey, and a whole mess of other folks. Morrison goes in the back and plays cards. Rumor is the house paid out, so she must have done pretty well. Oddly enough, the folks who walked out of the card room seemed happy, so I’m guessing they didn’t lose too much money. Me, on the other hand, I hung out with the rest of the folks since Morrison was being antisocial with her card game, and I even presented a seminar on writing and getting published. We had fun, and what was supposed to be a 1 hour talk turned into 2 hours. Morrison got a little pissy about that, but that’s just because people decided I was more entertaining than her. I’m used to that, so I just ignore her. (LOL)

After that we had dinner at a place where they serve big ol’ hunks of dead cow. Life was good.

Day three: Ostara Fest 2008. Now, as it happens, this is the reason I felt a need to quote Patrick Swayze’s character from Roadhouse…Why? Because Ostara Fest ’08, presented by The Sisters of the Earth and Sea, was held in a real, live Texas roadhouse. Yeah. No kidding. Big ass building with bars everywhere, huge dancefloor, stage, and…well… huge. Really big. GI-Normous. Gi-Hugic. Hunormous…Extra Large… XXXL… You get the meaning…

And, it was a Roadhouse. I kept expecting Swayze and Eliot to walk through the door at any minute, but I guess they weren’t really needed because everyone was very well behaved. (Grin)… And, I have to tell you, I had never attended a fest in such a place before, but I can’t wait to do it again. It was an absolute blast! They even had a belly dancing troupe that did some kind of two-step line dance thing wearing jeans and cowboy hats instead of the regular dancing outfits.

The attendees were amazing. Being an Army town the was a huge percentage of military and military family. Some of these people had only been home from Iraq for a month or two. Others were going to be on their way to Iraq before long. I have to say I was proud of all these folks, as well as humbled. Some of these kids were less than half my age but have already seen more than they should have ever had to face in an entire lifetime. I literally lost track of how many books I signed for these folks, and what amazed me is that they were all so genuinely appreciative of me simply being there…Not that I am saying other festivals aren’t… Please don’t take it wrong… But, to put this in perspective, I will usually get the “thanks for coming to xyz fest” from 2 or 3 folks at any given festival. Not so at Ostara Fest, and by “not so” I mean very simply that I cannot count that high even if I take off my shoes… Everyone I spoke to thanked me for coming. That, in and of itself, was worth the world to me.

And…as if they hadn’t given me a humbling enough experience, at the closing of the festival Dorothy, Ellen, and I were each presented with a coin… But not just any coin… These were commemoratives that had been specially minted for the members of Victory Base Open Circle, the largest open circle in the military based in Baghdad, Iraq. It was as if we had been adopted by these people, and I’ll be honest with you, I almost started to tear up. No matter how much I thanked them, I don’t think they will ever know how much that meant to me…

I know… I’m not being funny anymore… I’ve turned all serious and stuff… Sorry, but sometimes I have to do that…

Now…Back to the funny… It’s this whole “Handler” thing… You see, I was assigned to Sister Earth.. AKA Laurie… AKA Lolly… So, everything is cranking along… Morrison’s and Dugan’s handlers are seeing to it that they have everthing they need. My handler, however, is nowhere to be found…Gets to be time for Morrison and me to give our workshop. My handler shows up and asks me if I have eaten yet. I say no, but I figured on eating after the workshop – besides, I had a big breakfast and wasn’t really hungry. Fast forward… It’s after the 2 hour workshop and Lolly asks me if I have had anything to eat. I say, “No”. She says, “Okay”, and disappears. Time passes. Lolly shows up again and asks me if I have had anything to eat. I say, “not yet”. She says, “Oh, well they ran out of food.” I say, “No problem. I’ll survive until dinner.” Time passes. Lolly shows up and asks yet again, “Have you had anything to eat?” I say, “No.” She says, “Oh Shit!” I say, “I thought they ran out of food?” She says, “They got more and scurries off.” She returns with a brisket sammich just for me.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea here, I’m not complaining at all…Laurie was busy as all hell with the fest, and if I had been that hungry I would have found something. I certainly didn’t expect anyone to wait on me. I’m not like that. The only reason I told this story is because Laurie felt soooooo bad about “forgetting to feed me” that it became a running joke for the rest of the fest and weekend that “my handler was falling down on the job.” Well, nothing could be further from the truth, but I have to admit, the joke was fun, and Laurie is so good-natured that she rolled with it and spent a lot of time making fun of herself over it. They told me when I come back they are going to assign me a different handler, but I really hope they don’t. Laurie and I got along way too well and besides, I bet she won’t forget to feed me again (ROFL!!)

Anywho – Later that evening, another fantastic dinner, this time at the hotel restaurant. Here is where I have to give kudos to our waitress, Samantha. She had been our waitress that morning for breakfast as well. She was working a double shift with only a half hour or so break, but she was still right on top of things. Pleasant, cheerful, and really took care of us. When we found out she was working a double the next day as well, Morrison and I arranged to be seated in her section for brunch so that we could see to it she got a gi-hugic gratuity. And, as always happens when Morrison and I are together with her gray hair and my gray beard – we got a senior discount. (ROFL!)….

Day four: This was the day all about seminars. Following the most amazing brunch buffet I have ever seen, with shrimp the size of small lobsters, Texas shaped waffles, and damn near anything else you could dream of to eat, we visited with Samantha for a bit then were picked up by my handler. She was running a bit late due to some issues she had to deal with at the store, but that just made for something else I could rib her about, and it was all in good fun. We did our seminars and chatted with some wonderful folks about all manner of things. Then had a relaxing evening at Sister Sea’s (Joyce) house, visiting with her, her husband Butch, their daughter Jenn, Granddaughter Emma, and Laurie. They served a spectacular meal of Red Beans & Rice, and Chicken Gumbo…I was stuffed.

The next day, Monday, they actually allowed me to emigrate from the Republic of Texas and back into the United States before my Visa expired.

So…There you have the basic rundown… If you are ever in the area, or live in the area of Killeen/Harker Heights, TX, you really should visit the Sisters and tell them I said hey. Tell Althie she needs to get going on that Sauerbraten, and let Stephanie know what a great job she is doing. And, not only should you shop there, you should make it a point to attend Ostara Fest 2009. I’m telling you, it was fantastic, and if that was only their first festival, I can’t wait to see what 2 brings…

So, in the end, other than leaving all those wonderful folks behind, there was only one real disappointment for me – Fort Hood shares the airport with Killeen so when we landed I saw a tarmac full of Apache Helicopters sitting there. What’s the disappointment with that, you ask?

I didn’t get to ride in one.

More to come…

Murv