BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I love me some Cracker Barrel. I’ve never made a secret of that.

Whenever I’m on a driving book tour, Cracker Barrel is my number one choice for a quick meal. The Country Boy Breakfast can’t be beat, and if I’m in a hurry, the Chicken ‘n Dumplings are always hot and ready to go. There’s a song by one of my all time favorite bands, Styx, called Music Time. One of the lines says, “I like fast food, the burgers always taste the same.”

Well, that’s one of the great things about Cracker Barrel. They have those Chicken ‘n Dumplings down to a science, and they always taste the same no matter where you are in the country.

But The Redhead isn’t a big Cracker Barrel fan. It’s not that she dislikes it. It’s more that she has her own favorite, that being Arby’s. Why Arby’s? Definitely not for the roast beef, I’m here to tell you.

Nope… Fact is, Her Supreme Leather Clad Goddessness-ness is all about the Market Fresh Pecan Chicken Salad Wrap. So, whenever we are on the road together – she has her Evil Appearances ya’know – she dictates the meal stops, and if it has to be fast and can’t be a local cuisine type of bistro, her choice is almost always Arby’s.

Therefore, in keeping with the theme of Thanksgiving leftovers and feeding The Evil One, we have another recipe…

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MISTRESS KAT’S FAVORITE TURKEY SALAD

Makes enough to feed “Satan in High Heels” for around 1 week of lunches. Adjust quantities as necessary.

INGREDIENTS:

DIRECTIONS:

More to come…

Murv

There are certain rules around our house…

I will meet E K at the door with her drink…

I will have dinner on the table no later than 30 minutes after E K arrives home…

I will spit shine all of EKay’s shoes on a daily basis…

I will do whatever E K tells me to do…

Sense a pattern there? Yeah, me too.  But the consequences for non-compliance with said rules are pretty harsh, so I just live with them. There are some other rules, of course. Most of them involve something I have to do in order to please The Evil One and keep her from taking me downstairs into her “play room” – which reminds me, I’m supposed to hose it down today after I drop her Stryker Saw off at the shop. I just hope she didn’t leave anyone down there. The trash truck doesn’t run for another couple of days yet…

There is, however, a rule that doesn’t directly involve E K… Well, sorta… I mean, the results of the rule compliance directly involve E K – as well as allow me to comply with the other rules of the house… But the actual rule is more along the line of – The Kitchen is MY domain, leave my stuff alone.

Surprisingly, E K generally works within the boundaries of that rule. Largely, I think, because she hates to cook, but likes to eat.

Because of this, it was a great surprise to me when I walked around the corner the other night and found her torturing a houseplant. I know, I know… Whiplash moment there, but trust me, there’s a connection. She was torturing the houseplant with one of my kitchen knives.

You see, we have this yucca plant… We’ve had this plant for something on the order of forever. Seriously. I’m pretty sure we had it when we moved into together. It has been through some serious trials and tribulations – namely countless plant chewing felines. During the summer it lives on our front porch, soaking up the sunshine and Saint Louis humidity, mostly safe from cats with plant fetishes. During that period of months the yucca goes crazy, sort of like it is making up for the rest of the year when it’s in fear for its life. By the time Autumn rolls around, and the first frost is upon us, the yucca looks a little… well… yucky.

And so, the temperature was forecast to plummet the other night, and plummet it did. Before it fell too far though, E K, in all her regalness, invoked her prime directive – that being the rule saying I have to do whatever she says.

“Lackey!” she demanded. “Go bring in the plants.”

Little did I know that in rescuing the yucky yucca from the cold, I was merely delivering it into the hands of a deranged redhead with a topiary affliction. Unfortunately for both of us – the plant and me – she didn’t have her pruning shears handy, so she headed straight for the knife block on the kitchen counter.

Of course, I suppose I should look upon the incident as an opportunity, because I learned something that evening.  Never mention the rules to an evil redhead who is holding a large, serrated bread knife in one hand and the hacked up limb of a defenseless yucca plant in the other.

We have a Ficus too, but it’s a little tougher than the Yucca. I think while she’s at work I’ll go hide my electric knives, otherwise they might end up dulled and it’ll be a little tough carving the turkey at Thanksgiving this year.

More to come…

Murv