BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

You know, the rumor mill seems to be getting more activity than my coffee grinder…What’s up with that?

So, anyway, I am back from Nashville, which was my last gig for the year. I had a blast, as usual, but I’m glad it’s over and I get to stay home with the Evil One and the Offspring for a while. But, while in Nashville, I was enlightened as to some of the rumors circulating about me. For fun, I thought I’d address the ones I was told here in this blog-

1. M. R. Sellars is tall.

I suppose that would depend upon your perspective. I’m 5′ 7″…Or, I used to be. I’ve probably shrunk a bit over the years. In any case, I think that probably qualifies as average height, not tall.

2. M. R. Sellars is blonde.

Look at my picture. Do I look blonde to you? Maybe WAYYYYYYY back when I was a teenager, but that was only for one summer and was the result of spending all day in/at the pool along with the help of a 70’s era hair product called “Sun In” (Yes, it was intended to gradually bleach your hair.) Other than that, the closest I’ve ever been to blonde would probably be when I was like two or something, but even then we were talking light to medium brown, not blonde.

3. M. R. Sellars is gay.

I assume the meaning here is as in homosexual, and not the colloquial “gay = strange”…Or, even the standard “overjoyed”…Well, actually, no. I’m not. I’m heterosexual, i.e. straight. Always have been, no plans to change either.

4. M. R. Sellars is bi.

See answer to rumor 3.

And, my personal favorite…

5. M. R. Sellars attended a BDSM con in Atlanta, GA and scored with the babes.

Okay, how substantiated this particular rumor is, I have no idea, but I was informed that it had been a topic of discussion on some lists. Not lists that I am on, so who knows. Either way, let’s lay out some facts here:

A. I haven’t attended ANY BDSM Conventions at all, much less any in Atlanta. This is not to say that I wouldn’t or won’t, especially since the Miranda Trilogy would do well there, but as yet, I haven’t done a promo appearance at such a convention. (I also haven’t attended one for pleasure either.)

B. I am MONOGAMOUS and have a smokin’ hot wife. (Remember EK?) So, even if I were to attend such an event I would not be scoring with anyone but the redhead known as EK.

C. Apparently, from what I am told, the tall and blonde rumors are subsets of this particular rumor.

So, apparently from what I was told some tall, blonde dude went around saying he was me in order to score.

Dude…come on…You can’t score on your own? More importantly, you can’t pick someone who is a closer physical match to you, especially given that a simple Google search of my name will reveal a gazillion pictures that would instantly disprove your claim? Obviously you are taking the line from that Sean Connery movie WAY TOO seriously… I hate to tell you this but that was just a movie– women will NOT sleep with you just because you wrote a book.

So, all I can say is that if you did manage to score by using my name, well…Good on ya’.

But, really, if the truth be told, if you did, I hope she was a Dom and when she figured out you were lying about who you were she beat the living snot out of you (not in the good way, more like in the Miranda way) then left you tied up in a closet in a hotel room with the do not disturb sign on the door so you could spend a little time ruminating over your overt stupidity for a day or two.

Yeah, that translates into, “Get a life and stop using my name for your own personal gain, you fruitloop.”

So, there you have it…Other than the ages old rumor that I’m dead, which for some reason seems to resurface every now and then, those are the latest…To recap, I’m not tall, not blonde, not gay, not bi, and have not attended a BDSM convention for business (or pleasure), and therefore, you have NOT slept with me.

More to come…

Murv

…Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker.

Yeah, that got your attention, didn’t it? And, no, it’s not just a ploy to get you to read this blog. Well, not entirely, anyway (wink wink, nudge nudge).

So, what am I babbling about?

Well, you see, about a week ago I was in New Orleans to attend, and support, my good friend Dorothy Morrison’s book release for Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes, and Other Unsavory Notions. Now, a book release is a big deal. It is a party where the book is first rolled out and made available for purchase, usually a week or so prior to the official “street date” set by the publisher. So, Dorothy arranged for her release party to be in NOLA–in the French Quarter, in fact, at a wonderful store on Dumaine called Esoterica. Mimi, the owner, had her annual soiree in conjunction with it, that way there was a really huge party with Champagne, Caviar, and tons of other food & drink. A host of wonderful folks attended, all decked out in Witchy costumes, from downright scary to, dare I say it, sexy.

This is where the Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker comes in…

The thing is, Morrison wanted this to be a big deal (which it was) and since the title of the book is Utterly Wicked, well…ummm…Okay, let me break it down-

Morrison, as I have explained before, is OLDER THAN DIRT. I doubt I need to provide the calculation here again, but suffice it to say she is what you’d call Geriatric. So, anyway, she plans out this whole outfit for the release. Imagine if you will, Dorothy Morrison decked out as follows:

Black silk peasant blouse with lace cuffs, black satin boned corset, black leather miniskirt, black fishnet stockings, black Steve Madden boots (ostensibly named “The Sergeant” because they are patterned somewhat after combat boots- but, only in that they are made of both canvas and patent leather, and lace up in the front) with 5 inch stiletto heels, and a black hat with a lace thingamajig hanging down her back.

Yeah…Like I said… Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker. All she needed was a cat ‘o nine to complete the ensemble.

Anyway, she got herself all decked out in this getup, then pranced through the quarter, a walk spanning about 10 blocks from the St. Louis Hotel down to Mimi’s shop. Horns were honking, there were catcalls, whistles, near collisions from people craning their necks, and even a few disapproving stares from the hotel staff. (I think maybe they thought I’d been keeping a hooker in my room)

I know there are pictures because flashes were going off all night. Hopefully some will get emailed to me so I can show you this getup, because I’m not kidding.

However, geriatric or not, I have to admit that Morrison looked sharp and definitely had it going on. Hell, when she was getting ogled as we walked down the street I just couldn’t help myself- I told all of the panting guys to back off, because I had already paid her and secured her services for the evening.

More to come…

Murv