BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Ah, Thanksgiving weekend…

Four full days of not having the house to myself, which is something to which I have become comfortably accustomed. But I can’t complain too much. After all, I am sharing it with the O-spring and the Evil One, so it’s all good.

Speaking of The Evil One, Thanksgiving weekend is also the time when a hot redhead’s fancy turns to grinding her heel into her poor abused spouse even more than usual. Yes, it marks the beginning of “that season”…

That season? What season? Which season?

Easy… The season where the Evil Redhead chains me to the island in the kitchen and forces me to cook until my fingers bleed and I can barely hold up my head. And even then she comes by and slaps me around with a spatula and forces me to cook some more.

One of the reasons this particular weekend marks the beginning of “that season” is the fact that her supreme redheaded evilness loves turkey. And I mean she LOVES turkey. You know the Adam Sandler Thanksgiving song? Well, he’s got nothing on E K. She thinks turkey is “the bomb”. Hell, she even married one. But seriously… Okay, so that was seriously… But OTHER seriously – E K really and truly loves turkey. Almost as much as corned beef, but that’s a different holiday.

Therefore, when we do the family Thanksgiving with her clan, since I’m usually in charge of a side dish and a pie, I have to fix a small turkey at home so that she has some leftovers, otherwise she mopes around and takes out her frustrations on me even more than usual. And, on the off years, such as this one, when the family spreads across the country visiting other extended family, I have to fix an extra large bird for the three of us. Why? So she has leftovers. Weren’t you listening?

Now, the thing is, even the redhead can only eat just so many turkey sandwiches before she starts getting grumpy, no matter how much she likes it. Therefore, back to where we started this endeavor, she chains me in the kitchen and demands that I concoct ever increasingly delectable dishes using the remainder of the roasted fowl.

From our icebox door - srsly...

As always, Friday is “turn the stripped carcass into stock day.” After that, my kitchen becomes the staging area for intense culinary endeavors designed to satisfy – or at least temporarily quell – the savage redhead.

Therefore, over the next few blog entries I will be sharing recipes straight from my kitchen, some designed to make use of leftover turkey, others concocted merely to save myself from the wrath of the whip-wielding, leather and stiletto-clad redhead.

We will begin with Turkey Chili. Why? Because this year, as it happens, E K announced that she really wanted some turkey chili. And when the redhead says she REALLY WANTS something, well, you know what THAT means. It says so right there on the sign…

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GREAT NORTHERN CANARY CHILI WITH TURKEY

Unlike the name might allude, no canaries were harmed in the preparation of this chili…

INGREDIENTS:

DIRECTIONS:

Prepare beans as directed by soaking at least overnight. I usually go for a 20 to 24 hour soak, rinsing first, and then changing the water twice during the soak. Rinse soaked beans and place in a large crock pot with turkey stock to cover (plus an 1/2 to 1 inch) – add chopped onion, chopped celery, chopped red bell pepper, and chopped green bell pepper. Stir. Set on high and allow to come up to a simmer. Add chopped banana peppers, diced turkey, vinegar, green chilis, chopped jalapeno, chopped chipotle, honey, hot sauce, and dry seasonings. Mix well and allow to simmer until beans are tender and flavors have fully incorporated.

Adjust seasonings to taste – i.e. I am fixing this for the redhead and the offspring, and they don’t like things to be too spicy. Therefore, you might want to increase the amount of cumin, chili powder, hot sauce, jalapeno, and chipotle. I generally doctor mine tableside to bring it up to “heat,” and will even add some finely chopped habanero (courtesy of my dear friend, Celeste Webster, Habanero Babe Supreme)…

Serve with cornbread or blue corn tortilla chips, and a good beer. Given that we are dealing with a white bean chili I prefer a crisp Pilsner or basic Wheat.

Other possible garnishes – Plain yogurt, sour cream, cheese, chopped onions, or sliced avocado.

More to come…

Murv

Several weeks back I was doing some work around the house. It was a warm, sunny afternoon in early October as a matter of fact. I happened to be in the back yard when I heard someone at my gate calling out to me.

I turned to discover a video crew. At first I was a bit taken aback, but then I was also taken aback by a lady in the parking lot of the Home Depot awhile back when she jumped out of her vehicle, pointed at me, and started squealing “You’re… You’re HIM! You’re HIM!” So much so in her case that I dropped the lumber I was loading into the back of my truck and gave myself a nasty gash on my arm.

I still don’t know which “HIM” she was talking about, but since no police showed up to arrest me I have to assume she didn’t mistake me for someone who had snatched her purse or taken the last jelly donut at the local Krispy Kreme.

But that’s another story…

So, back to early October… As it turns out these folks with video equipment in tow had traveled to Saint Louis for the express purpose of interviewing me on their show. Why they hadn’t contacted my publicist first to schedule it remains a bit of a mystery. All I know is that what ensued was a bit weird, disconcerting, made me very uncomfortable, and might not have even been entirely legal. At any rate, after chasing them off my property while  I was wielding an axe handle and screaming obscenities, I thought I’d seen the last of them.

Apparently I was wrong…

Even under the threat of legal action, this production company elected to release the footage of that bizarro interview, and to add insult to injury they have done so in several places around the web – from PUF TV to Youtube and beyond. At first I was livid. Then I was pissed. Then I was livid pissed since dividing my energies between the two seemed a bit wasteful. I started making phone calls and planning my revenge, on many levels.

However… The Amazing Wendy, my publicist, tends to see silver linings where I do not. She has now urged me to give up on my quest to eviscerate these wingnuts, telling me that I should embrace this as a promotional opportunity instead. Wendy can be very convincing. So… Since not everyone is on Facebook, not to mention the state of obscure flux in which the FB news feed dwells, I am taking her advice and posting it here.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I’m beginning to wonder if  maybe she was in on this the whole time…

More to come…

Murv