BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I don’t consider myself particularly naive.

Now, this is not to say that I consider myself to be especially worldly wise either. I mean, I’ve been around the block a couple of times. Looks pretty much the same on the other side as it does here, except that their yards are a little more sloped. Unfortunately, that slope is pointed toward my yard and when it rains…

Well… We should probably address that in a different blog.

This one is actually a different story, from a different time. A time way back before I started getting paid (regularly) for splattering words across paper. In a sense it is even pre-E K. Not entirely, as E K and I were actually living together. It is just pre-E K in the sense that she was leasing me and had not yet exercised the buyout option in order to have full ownership.

Back then we both worked at a small computer and electronics repair company called MicroFix. We shared an office with our sister company, Computer Connections Technologies. I don’t know that either of them even exist anymore. I know MicroFix doesn’t because when I went to work for T&W they bought them out.

But again, I sort of digress.

You see, back in my Techie days one of the duties was phone support. It’s not that we were a phone support company, but it just kind of comes with the territory. People call with questions and you try to help them. It’s how you get paying customers who come back again and again.

Or, in some cases you can just delete the word “back” from that last sentence.

I should probably explain what I mean by that. I should also probably note that what you are about to read is true. I can make up some pretty crazy sh*t, but not this. Srsly.

I was sitting at my desk one spring day while working up a quote for a customer when the phone rang. So, being the service manager and since the phone was on my desk, I picked it up. (For the sake of the historical accounting, remember, this was pre-Windows. We’re talking about the days of MS-DOS 2.0.)

“Good afternoon, Microfix, this is Murv, how can I help you?” I said into the handset.

“Good afternoon,” a somewhat breathy woman replied. “I was wondering if I could ask you some questions about my computer. I’m having some trouble with it.”

“Sure. What sort of trouble?” I asked.

“It won’t come on.”

“I know this sounds silly,” I said. “But are you sure it’s plugged in?”

She chuckled. “Oh yes, it’s plugged in. It just blinks at me. I don’t get a prompt.”

“Do you have a hard disk or just a floppy?”

She sighed in a very odd manner, then breathed, “Hard.”

“Well, it’s possible you have a non-system disk in the floppy drive. Is it giving you any sort of error?”

“Yes,” she almost whispered between panting breaths. “That’s exactly what it says. Non-system disk.”

“Check the floppy drive and see if there is a disk in there.”

“No. There isn’t.”

“Okay,” I replied apologetically since it was looking like the problem could be a little more serious. “You might have a damaged boot record on the hard drive, but it’s hard to say without seeing it. If you have a system disk handy you could…”

“How would you fix that?” she said, interrupting me with a strange gasp filling in behind her voice.

“Well…” I replied, a shrug in my voice that even I could hear. “It really depends on how bad it is. We might be able to just Sys the volume and add the boot files back on. Or we might…”

She interrupted me again, her voice low and breathy. “More technical…”

“I’m sorry?”

“Tell me the technical stuff. How would you fix it?”

“Well… Umm… It depends. If it’s really bad we might have to do a low-level format.”

“How?” she breathed.

“It’s a process we invoke through a program built into the hard drive controller card.”

Her breathing was getting faster and shallower now and I couldn’t help but hear it.

“No… Tell me… Exactly… How…” she panted and now I could hear a faint buzz in the background.

I was beginning to think she was having a heart attack or something. Not only that, our connection seemed to be having issues, what with the buzzing noise and all.

“Well… We have to use a program called Debug which allows us to enter hardware level commands. We would tell the controller to access a particular portion of its onboard ROM and run a segment of code.”

“Yes…” she moaned. “How… more…”

“Umm… Depending on the type of controller and whether or not you have an MFM or RLL encoded hard drive we would type in g=c800:5 or g-c800:ccc, and that…”

At right about that moment she screamed and I heard a loud clattering noise that sounded like she had dropped the phone.

“Ma’am? … Ma’am?…” I said, somewhat alarmed.

I was just getting ready to yell through the door into the front office to have someone call the police, for fear that the woman actually had experienced some sort of catastrophic system failure of the human kind – be it a heart attack, seizure, or whatever. I figured I should stay on the line so they could trace the call or whatever in order to find her and dispatch paramedics.

Just as I leaned back and began rolling my chair toward the door, handset still to my ear, her breathless voice came back on the line.

With a moan and a satisfied sigh she said, “Thanks… Technical talk really gets me off… I’ll definitely be calling you again.”

When I hung up I just stared at the phone for a while. I felt so cheap and used, especially since I didn’t get her credit card number,  so I couldn’t charge her for the service.

Hand to whatever deity works for you, true story.

I am not kidding.

To this day I wonder if it ever showed up in Penthouse Letters, or whatever Playgirl Magazine equivalent there happened to be at the time…

More to come…

Murv

In keeping with my “I don’t do blogs about writing” policy, here I am writing another blog about, what else, writing…

Makes you kind of wonder if I don’t understand my own policies, doesn’t it?

Well, maybe not entirely. I mean, after all, when I write a blog about writing, I tend not to take myself too seriously. Trust me, there are more than enough writers out there who have such an overinflated sense of self-importance that they require steel tethers to keep themselves from floating away. What amazes me is that quite a few of them haven’t even been published, with the exception of the pseudo-haiku about their family dog, written in crayon, that was included in the construction paper encased tome they and their classmates “published” back in first grade. A wonderful thing when you are six-years-old, absolutely. When you’re 43, not so much. Yet, there they are, test-tube experts who can tell you all about “how it is done” and moreover, how “YOU are doing it the wrong way if you don’t do it the way they tell you to.”

Then there are those who have had success, and they tell you “how it is done.” Most of these characters forget to take into account that every damn one of them did it differently than the other, yet still had success. Nope. Their way is the only way. No exceptions.

See what I mean?

And so, this is why MY writing advice, while often sound in a loose sense of the word, comes to you with tongue planted firmly in cheek. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Over the course of the last few months, I have offered up a daily tip for writers via Twitter and Facebook – all in 140 characters or less. Not always easy, let me tell you.

But anyway, now that I have reached 100 of these sometimes sparkly, sometimes purposely flawed, sometimes just cubic zirconium gems, I thought I’d put them all here in one spot. Feel free to implement them, use them as teaching aids, whatever. When you steal them, however, just remember to give credit where credit is due. After all, I have bills to pay just like everyone else…

100 Tips For Writers And Authors

Writing Tip #1: The article “A” is an adjective with gender confusion. He changes into “An” whenever he’s close to a vowel

Writing Tip #2: Writer’s Axiom #872 – On any average keyboard, “backspace” will be the first key to stop working

Writing Tip #3: Words DO have impact. If you don’t believe it, just try dropping a Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary on your foot.

Writing Tip #4: Always keep “Elements of Style” nearby. It will come in handy if you need to level an uneven desk or prop up a shelf.

Writing Tip #5: No matter how good your work, someone will hate it and say nasty, mean things. Don’t sweat it. Just kill them and move on

(Just so we are all on the same page: FIGURATIVELY. As in “kill them off in your novel…” NOT really kill them off. No crosshairs here, kids…)

Writing Tip #6: Foreign language words should be italicized to make them look important, and hide the fact that you misspelled them

Writing Tip #7: Adding made up words to the personal dictionary on your spellchecker does NOT validate them as part of accepted speech

Writing Tip #8: Be cautious with possessive adjectives. If they become too clingy your noun may file for divorce.

Writing Tip #9: You can test whether or not a pronoun is reflexive by trying to snatch the object from its grasp, wordhopper.

Writing Tip #10: AKA “The 10-100 rule” – If your main character really needs to pee, odds are you should take a break and do so yourself.

Writing Tip #11: Plot holes are like pot holes with an extra letter. Fill them or they’ll just get bigger and give readers a flat.

Writing Tip #12: Wear protection if using profanity. In grammatical terms, profane interjections were originally called “ejaculations”

Writing Tip #13: *Similies* are comparative phrases that belong in prose. Smilies, on the other hand, not so much.

Writing Tip #14: Ham handed segues to pie in the sky metaphors can really cook your goose, and make readers inexplicably hungry.

Writing Tip #15: Get to know your modifiers without prejudice. Many perfectly lovely adverbs are simply cross-dressing adjectives.

Writing Tip #16: Some readers enjoy gratuitous sex in stories. However, others will just be jealous that they aren’t getting any.

Writing Tip #17: Negotiate a fair salary before employing pronouns. Amateur nouns work for much less and will often do a better job

Writing Tip #18: An E-reader is a device for reading literature. NOT a literary device.

Writing Tip #19: Provocatively attired adverbs might look good, but be wary as some are home wreckers and could “split up” your infinitive

Writing Tip #20: If a word escapes you, obviously you didn’t have it properly and securely restrained.

Writing Tip #21: Hibernians are NOT citizens of the “Hiber Nation.” Hibernian = Irish, or “of Ireland.” Hibernation is what bears do.

Writing Tip #22: Whenever you write something, no matter how great you think it is, it will read like crap as soon as you sober up.

Writing Tip #23: If your desire to be a writer is based upon the movie “Finding Forrester”, pick a different career path. Immediately.

Writing Tip #24: Being broke is no excuse for poor spelling. Contrary to what Pat Sajak says, vowels are free. You do NOT have to buy them.

Writing Tip #25: The Gutenberg Project is NOT a movie produced, directed, and/or starred in by the guy from the Police Academy flick.

Writing Tip #26: Buy an electric pencil sharpener. It will help keep your writing clear and precise, even if it still doesn’t make sense.

Writing Tip #27: Mixed metaphors should be gently shaken, never stirred, lest their meanings become too diluted.

Writing Tip #28: Foul f*cking dialogue should fit the character, or make a g*ddam point. Gratuitous sh*t isn’t f*cking needed

Writing Tip #29: Character development is basically a form of mental masturbation, the results of which ends up getting all over the page

Writing Tip #30: When editing your work, if you remove a verb from a sentence you still have the option to “reverb”.

Writing Tip #31: Contrary to rumor, prepositions are NOT propositions made by poor little rich kids who attend prep schools.

Writing Tip #32: Punctuation is often ruled by both language and geographical location. Except apostrophes, which are ruled by Martha Ackmann.

Writing Tip #33: Remember, a truly good spellchecker set on autocorrect can change the entire meaning of a sentence without even trying.

Writing Tip #34: Beware dangling participles. Falling off, the cat might bat it under the couch, leading to either confusion or a vet bill

Writing Tip #35: Unless you are writing the jumble for the local paper, arrange letters to form actual words. Readers will thank you.

Writing Tip #36: If your subject and verb disagree in a sentence, bringing in an adverb to mediate is NOT going to help.

Writing Tip #37: Before sitting down to the keyboard after using the restroom, wash your hands. Otherwise, you might end up writing crap.

Writing Tip #38: Consonantal alliteration stresses syllables. It may also stress readers if overused.

Writing Tip #39: Use punctuation in your sentences, especially at the end. Audio book talent and other people who read aloud will thank you

Writing Tip #40: Ignore negative reviews as they can cause writer’s block: e.g. The Bible gets them and God hasn’t written a word in years

Writing Tip #41: Unlike the “Nooner Special” at a seedy adult massage parlor, stories don’t always include “happy endings”

Writing Tip #42: Copulative verbs link the subject to the predicate in a sentence. Semi-copulative verbs are the cigarette after.

Writing Tip #43: Proper word usage is crucial – i.e. Sh*t can be used either as a noun or as a verb. Pay attention so you don’t step in it

Writing Tip #44: Using an ellipsis can be very effective in dialogue, especially if you want to…

Writing Tip #45: Writing “Fan Fiction” is like sleeping with someone else’s spouse. An okay fantasy, but not such a good idea in practice.

Writing Tip #46: A palindrome is a phrase that reads the same forward and backward. It is NOT where they park Sarah Palin’s airplane.

Writing Tip #47: When mixing metaphors proportions are crucial, otherwise you may find yourself up to your ass in allegories.

Writing Tip #49: Adverbs modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs. However, “Ad Verbs” are key action words found in commercials.

Writing Tip #48: I before E except after C. Not just a good idea. Not the law either. It’s actually the exception to the rule.

Writing Tip #50: Some verb forms will show tense. Other verb forms will just make you tense.

Writing Tip #51: Everything that can be written, has been written. Now is your chance to give up and find a job bagging groceries

Writing Tip #52: As a general rule, reviews are extremely important – to the reviewer who wrote them.

Writing Tip #53: Contrary to stereotype, the only writers with elbow patches on their jackets are self-involved putzes who write bad poetry

Writing Tip #54: “It was a dark and stormy night,” has already been done. Pick a different opening.

Writing Tip #55: Vowels are important. That’s why Pat Sajak always tries to charge people for them.

Writing Tip #56: Being versed in the mechanics of a seance is not necessary to land a job as a ghost writer.

Writing Tip #57: Remember, “word” is a four letter word. Apply Writing Tip #28 where necessary.

Writing Tip #58: Homophones are words that are pronounced the same but have different meanings. They are NOT “gay telephones.”

Writing Tip #59: Creative and original use of a keyboard is the writer’s key to keeping readers from being bored.

Writing Tip #60: As general a rule, virgin compound nouns and verbs should still have the hyphen intact.

Writing Tip #61: Unless your Aunt Beatrice works for the NYT Review of Books, she’s not a valid source for a cover blurb.

Writing Tip #62: There are times when flowery prose is appropriate. Just be aware that in large doses it can trigger allergies.

Writing Tip #63: SELF PROMOTION – You should position yourself as an expert in your field, NOT as an egotistical know-it-all.

Writing Tip #64: When subjects and verbs disagree, the adjectives are the ones who really suffer.

Writing Tip #65: Economize. Use a spritz of WD-40 and a zip top bag to revive old typewriter ribbo… Umm… Gently shake ink cartridge.

Writing Tip #66: “Conjugate visit” is a grammar exercise. “Conjugal visit” is a cardio exercise. Don’t confuse them.

Writing Tip #67: At age 24, unless you were raised by wolves or something equally unique, your autobiography is NOT likely to sell

Writing Tip #68: Be careful with wholesale “verbification” of nouns. Doing so can get you arrested for unnecessary verbal abuse.

Writing Tip #69: Some days the keyboard wins (writing). Some days the mouse wins (random porn surfing to avoid writing).

Writing Tip #70: ASIN means Amazon Standard Identification Number. It’s NOT always something the Bible tells you to avoid doing.

Writing Tip #71: Contrary to myth, “alliteration” is NOT an arbitrarily measured portion of scoopable granules for use in the cat litter pan

Writing Tip #72: NOTE – commas are subscript, apostrophes are superscript. Mix-ups may cause premature contractions for pregnant readers

Writing Tip #73: Electric pencil sharpeners save time, and are an excellent distraction when you need an excuse for not writing.

Writing Tip #74: Although a picture is worth 1000 words, when writing it is not necessary to use all of them if 500 will do the trick.

Writing Tip #75: You don’t usually find literary devices in sex toy catalogs. However, sex toy catalogs *can* be used as literary devices

Writing Tip #76: Adjectives modify nouns. Think “Pimp My Ride,” only with words instead of cars.

Writing Tip #77: Never count your words when you’re sittin’ at the keyboard, there’ll be time enough for countin’ when the typin’s done

Writing Tip #78: “Paperback Writer” is a song by The Beatles. “Paperback Rights” are something your agent negotiates in your contract.

Writing Tip #79: Discreet is being cautious. Discrete is individually distinct. “Dis ‘crete” is construction site dialogue about concrete.

Writing Tip #80: Finish your book and find a publisher before you start practicing your answers for an interview on Oprah.

Writing Tip #81: Too many spaces after a period can lead to an unwanted pregnancy in your pause.

Writing Tip #82: Remember: Commendation good. Condemnation bad. Condensation wet.

Writing Tip #83: To = motion. Too = also. Two = more than one but less than three. Tutu = tulle ballet skirt or South African activist

Writing Tip #84: “Irregardless” is not a real word, “unregardless” of what anyone with such “nonregard” for language may say in that regard

Writing Tip #85: Assure = confirm. Insure = guarantee against loss/harm. Ensure = Same as insure except when it’s stuff old people drink

Writing Tip #86: Writers sit. A LOT. Best get yourself a comfortable chair and invest heavily in hemorrhoid creams and suppositories

Writing Tip #87: Accept = receive. Except = exclude. Incept = beginning. (See also that weird movie with the dude from Titanic.)

Writing Tip #88: Find out what kinds of things your editor *really* likes. You never know when you might have to bribe him/her.

Writing Tip #89: Lets = allow. Let’s = contraction of let us, generally used to avoid confusion with “lettuce,” a leafy green vegetable.

Writing Tip #90: Illusion = false perception. Allusion = indirect reference.  Aleutian = a group of islands off the coast of Alaska.

Writing Tip #91: “The” is spelled T-H-E, not T-E-H. This is a very common error, as most of today’s keyboards are dyslexic.

Writing Tip #92: Coordinating conjunctions join equal parts of a sentence. They are sort of like Garanimals for grammar.

Writing Tip #93: Adjectives are a way of dressing up a noun and making it more attractive to the verbs in the sentence.

Writing Tip #94: If you aren’t certain a word means what you think it means, it probably doesn’t.

Writing Tip #95: My wife’s = possessive, e.g, “Be careful, those are my wife’s grenades.” My wives = A probable court date.

Writing Tip #96: Beware of overly possessive adjectives. They can nab your articles before you are finished with them

Writing Tip #97: Ax is a tool used for chopping, it is NOT a question.

Writing Tip #98: Contrary to the song lyrics, AND, BUT, and OR won’t take you very far unless you have some nouns and verbs to drive them.

Writing Tip #99: Lye = A caustic chemical that can burn you. Lie = a caustic untruth that can burn you. The same, but different.

Writing Tip #100: Words are currency. Be frugal with them when necessary, and extravagant when called for, but above all, spend them wisely

More to come…

Murv