BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I’ve been Googled.

Of course, that probably isn’t news to anyone. In fact, some of you reading this very blog post may well have arrived here courtesy of a Google search… Or Yahoo… Or MSN Live… Or any one of countless other Internet “search engines.”

I bring up Google, in particular, because it seems to be one of the more popular search pages out there. And, why shouldn’t they be? After all, they have all the money… Well, them and Bill Gates, but that last bit just goes without saying.

But, in this case, I haven’t just been Googled. I’ve been Googleified. In case you are wondering exactly what Googleify is, it’s my own special word. It is a combination of Google, from the colloquial Google, trademark for a search engine, and mystify, from the French mistifier, from mystère mystery, from Latin mysterium, to bewilder.

Yeah… Google has gone and mystified me. Or, as I like to say, Googleified. (Soon, I’ll be adding a petition for you all to sign. Maybe we can get Webster to add it to the lexicon… But, that’s a different chicken…)

The thing here is, and I have mentioned this before, WordPress tracks incoming traffic to this blog. In doing so, it logs all manner of cool stuff. Things like, IP addresses, country of origin, search phrases, and referring pages. Well, it isn’t very surprising that quite a bit of the incoming traffic to Brainpan Leakage comes from Google. Sure, there is plenty of traffic from other search engines, and there is also a good share from folks who arrive via notification emails, Twitter, and the like. But, where Internet searches are concerned, the overwhelming majority of the visitors arrive here courtesy of the Big Multicolored G.

So, I am sure you are now wondering why in the hell there is a picture of a provocatively clad woman astride a broomstick embedded on the left. Well, believe it or not, it isn’t a result of my “I Can Haz Blog?” post back in February. What I mean is, I’m not just sticking it in here to generate traffic, besides which, she’s not naked and it is a pretty common picture, so I doubt it would draw any visitors in the first place. And, no, Virginia, it’s not just so I can have something pretty to look at. If that were the case, she would be a redhead and look just like E K… Yes, I’m a little single minded in that respect. And no, E K doesn’t have that outfit… Well, actually she has something really, really close, but it’s not exact. Actually, it’s much better… So there…

But, on with the blog… Believe it or not, there is actually a salient point behind the picture. Well… It’s obvious to me since I’m the one writing the blog, but that’s not the point. What is the point, however, is that the picture actually has something to do with Google, in a silly, roundabout sort of way.

You see, when the WordPress plugin that tracks incoming traffic tells me how people arrived at my site, it actually extracts a list of the search words used. As you already know, these search words are matched to content, description text, and meta-keywords, on an indexed site, which is how Google, and other search engines for that matter, provide you with a list of websites. But, enough techie talk…

As you would rightfully surmise, there is the laundry list of obvious search parameters that land folks here at Brainpan Leakage. Things like…

• Sellars
• Brainpan
• Rowan Gant
• Paranormal Mystery
• And so on…

There are quite a few others. Some of them obscure, some not so much. Usually they make at least a little bit of sense… Such as “Erma Bombeck.” After all, I wrote a blog entry about one of her columns, so it isn’t really all that surprising that a search of her name would lead you here at some point. However, as I was perusing the the list the other day I ran across one that gave me pause…

“witches with big tits”

… Obviously we had someone here who was a boob man… Or woman… I’m not about to discriminate. And, by the same token this individual apparently had a fetish for Witches, or more likely if I were to place a bet on it, the colloquial “Witch Costume” sex fantasy sort of thing… I mean, let’s face it, even I still get a bit of a tingle from the adolescent memories of Elizabeth Montgomery in her Witchy garb…

Now, I have to admit, upon seeing this search phrase I assumed there had to be some kind of mistake. After all, a search like that should probably have landed this person at www.dorothymorrison.com.

Oh, chill out… Dorothy and I are like siblings and we pick at each other like this all the time. You folks know that… Not to mention that she makes plenty of her own jokes about her chest. Rumor has it she slings lightning bolts from her tits, but I’ve yet to see this myself, and I’ve been on tour with her more times than I could count, even if I took off my shoes and socks. So, if you ask me, I think that whole lightning thing is just a PR gimmick…

But, back to this particular Googleification leading someone to Brainpan Leakage…

After ruminating a bit, I thought maybe the phrase in question might have something to do with the op-ed entry I wrote about Facebook and the breast-feeding pictures issue. But, after going back and having a look, I didn’t find a direct mention of “big tits” in there… Not even “small tits”… Boobs, yes. Tits, no… And, definitely no mention of witches…

So, back to the drawing board I went…

Well, it took me some time, but I finally sussed it out. Seems Google had indexed the page containing the sample chapter from Never Burn A Witch, and in that particular sample was the scene where the old bum was singing his ditty about the ample-chested weather girl. All three of the primary search words from the phrase, (we aren’t counting with), were there on that page. And, if you want to count “with” anyway, it was there too.

Simple enough. Mystery solved. For a moment, I was no longer Googleified…

However, that didn’t last long. You see, I thought maybe I would look into figuring out some of the other strange search tags that brought visitors to Brainpan Leakage. It wasn’t long before I was “Google Eyed” and had a headache… If any of you would like to help, I’m still looking for connection to the following…

• R?zus p?rti?a apraksts
• ????????? ??
• jak przej?? gr? rattle and clank
• pokrútené ?revá u detí
• syntymäpäivä kortti

Ya’know… On second thought, don’t worry about it.

I think I’ll just go look at that sexy witch picture… Better yet, I’ll just go look at E K. Maybe if I’m really convincing, I can get her to wear her pointy hat and babe on a broomstick outfit…

More to come…

Murv

Well folks, it would seem I have been tagged, gagged, bagged, and slagged… And, for once, it wasn’t E K doling it out. Actually, what I am trying to say is that it seems I have had a Blog Award bestowed upon me while I wasn’t looking. The award came from one Jodi Lee, an absolutely wonderful gal who is a book reviewer, blogger, and editor. In fact, she is also the twisted mind responsible for “Courting Morpheus,” the horror anthology for which I wrote an RGI based short.  (Rumor is there is some news about CM coming up soon. Stay tuned…)

So anyway, on with the award thing. It seems that the Honest [S]crap Blog Award is a take one and pass it along type of thing, and recipients are compelled to adhere to a set of rules. Those guidelines are as follows:

The Award and Rules:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.

Apparently the rules are as follows:

1. When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real.

2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

(There wasn’t an icon, but I think this is the same one that ‘Rhada McKai’ did a while back, so I’m snagging it…lol.)

(Note from Murv – I’m not entirely clear on the 5 vs 7 thing, so I am going to go with 5)

3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

And so, I have my award… As you can see, it is now proudly displayed in the Award Box in the lower portion of the sidebar… I’m misting up now… I really feel special and stuff… (sniff sniff) …

But, that’s enough with all of that emotional garbage… Time for me to stick to the rules… (This will be hard to do without E K here to enforce discipline and all, but I’m going to give it my best shot…)

Them What I Thinks Deserves This Award Too…

Well, since Jodi is the one who gave it to me, I can’t exactly return it or she’ll think I didn’t like it… Besides, she might not have kept the receipt… So, I have to smack some other folks in the head.

Dorothy Morrison (Wicked Wonderings) – Dorothy is more or less the big sister I never had. A prolific author of Pagan Non-Fiction, her first novel recently hit the shelves. We have toured together for years, seen each other at our best, seen each other at our worst, and even been deathly ill together. Pretty much like being married, but without the good part. Either way, she rants and raves like a crazy person in her blog, so it’s well worth a look. Just don’t stare at it too long or you’ll start having a taste for flies…

Kristin “Don’t Call Me Kirstin” Madden (Words From The Wild) – Kristin is another author with whom I have toured. She is pretty much like a younger sister. I actually already have one of those, but I adopted Kristin anyway. She seemed so lost without guidance that I just felt sorry for her. My bad… Ever since she and Morrison hooked up, my life has been hell… That’s what I get for being the middle child, I suppose. At any rate, her blog is often humorous and almost always ultra-interesting, as she also happens to be a Wildlife Biologist specializing in Avian Rehab…

Cherie Priest – I figure Cherie has absolutely no clue who I am, therefore having this award bestowed upon her by me is probably going to come as an utter shock, and/or elicit one of those classic expressions. However, the simple fact is that Cherie is not only a fellow author, but a downright humorous blogger. Many of her posts are replete with observational, satirical, “here’s your sign you moron” humor. More than worth the read.

Lorna Tedder (The Spiritual Eclectic) – Lorna is another good friend and author. While we haven’t actually “toured” together, we have done appearances together at the same events. Truth is, I think Lorna just might be Evil… As in Evil Kat kind of Evil… Which means, if I were to ever tour with her, Madden, and Morrison together, I would either end up in a funny farm or body bag. But, hey, what are friends for, right? Her blog is full of all kinds of goodies for the spiritual day to day.

Bitten By Books (Rachel) – Bitten By Books is probably the premiere Paranormal Genre Book Review website going today. Rachel goes out of her way to keep the site fresh and interesting with everything from new reviews to author interviews/chats and contests complete with killer prizes. If you are an avid reader of such literature, you owe it to yourself to drop by BBB and have a look.

10 Honest Crap Things About Me…

1. I honestly have no idea what to say here. I tell so much honest crap about myself in my blog to begin with that I’m not sure I have anything new to add.
2. I’m a fat guy. I struggle with my weight constantly. I have ever since around age 10 when I suddenly went from skinny as a beanpole to being a tiny little Goodyear blimp. I try to get exercise on a regular basis, although I miss a day or two here and there, and I don’t generally overeat. I’m just a fat guy.
3. I am unnaturally head over heels in love with my wife. ‘Nuff said. If I expand any further I will descend into blithering idiot speak and maybe even embarrass myself.
4. Everyone has a paraphilia, whether they admit it or not. Mine is stiletto heels. Not wearing them you dolt. Seeing my wife wearing them. I won’t expand any further. Again, blithering, embarrassment, et al.
5. I can be a real nerd sometimes.
6. I simply cannot stand Rap / Hip-Hop music. I don’t actually consider it music. I am more than happy to admit that I consider it an art form in its own right, but art is subjective, like it or not. And, when it comes to this particular art, not is the operative word where I am concerned.
7. I am horrible with names. I can most often remember minute details about a situation, or even pick up latent mannerisms or expressions on a person, and store them away in the old grey matter for what seems an eternity. But, if you ask me to remember someone’s name (unless I am around them on a regular basis, of course) I will just give you one of these –
8. I like black jellybeans. They are my favorite. I also like just plain old black licorice.
9. I’ve been told that my eyes are brown because I am full of shit. Sometimes I am inclined to agree.
10. For years, I used ace bandages and tape to hide the fact that I suffered from Asymmetrical Gynecomastia. When I was finally able to afford the corrective surgery, I had it. I feel much better about myself now.

Okay… I think all that’s left now is for me to go notify these other poor souls that I am passing the baton on to them… For the record, I think Morrison will ignore it, Madden will probably blog about it, Ms. Priest will say “WTF?” since she has no clue who I am, Lorna will make arrangements with E K to either hurt me, or have me hurt by proxy, and Rachel over at BBB will think it’s cool. Whether or not she will have time to do anything with it is another story entirely.

Regularly scheduled blogs return tomorrow morning.

More to come…

Murv