So, I ran across something today. I’m not sure if I was supposed to see it or not, but since it was just laying there in plain view… Well… It caught my attention and I pretty much couldn’t help but read it.

You see, during the morning running about today I had myself an extra chore, as assigned by the Evil Redhead herself, that being the task of going to the bank and making a deposit. I know, I know, why in the world would E K allow me to:

1. Go anywhere near a bank.
2. Have money.
3. Be anywhere near money.
4. Especially be anywhere near money that belongs to her.
5. Know of the existence of money.
6. Ad infinitum…

Yeah, yeah, give me a break… We all know I’m less than frugal and not all that good at money management, I’ve already admitted as much. And,  because of that, E K handles all of the finances and doesn’t let me near the money. Nothing new there… However, after 22+ years of marriage she does have me fairly well trained, (or more accurately, beaten into submission).

Therefore, she will occasionally entrust me with the task of making a bank deposit. Of course, whenever she does this I am escorted by armed guards, and then there are also the other security measures, such as dye packs, double signature requirements, fingerprint and retinal scan ID requirements, a shock collar locked around my neck, etc… So, the chances of me actually being able to do anything other than hand the deposit over to a bonded courier at the bank are practically nil… Well, not practically I don’t guess… When you get right down to it they are about as nil as they can get…

But, yeah, I’m now following a semi-related chicken, so let’s get back on track…

Upon my return home, as is my prescribed duty I placed the documentation, which proves I have completed the task, upon the Evil One’s desk. It was at this point I came across the “something.” It was just tossed out there in plain sight… You know… In a file folder, which was sealed in a manila envelope,  which was stamped “eyes only” and “Do Not Open – This Means You, Murv”, which was stuffed under some other files in her briefcase, which was double locked and tucked back into a secret, hidden cubbyhole beneath her desk…

See what I mean? Right there in plain sight…

So, anyway, a picture of said “something” is inserted below, and since it might be a bit hard to read from an image, I have also copied the text  and placed it beneath the picture for your convenience…

February 20, 2009
RE: Evil League of Evil

CERTIFIED MAIL

Bad Horse
Evil League of Evil
ELE Secret Headquarters
It’s a secret you moron

Dear Bad Horse:

This letter is to inform you that I am officially declining your invitation to join the Evil League of Evil. While the offer of full membership is certainly attractive, especially considering the convertible toaster oven/death-ray signing incentive you threw in, it still did not escape my attention that said offer also included a rider, which in effect would ban me from seeking the position of CEO for the League.

To that end, I have now initiated a hostile takeover of the Evil League of Evil. On that note, as you are well aware, my anger management classes did not go so well. Therefore, even if you were to agree to a buyout, this takeover would still be hostile, because to put it simply, everything I do is hostile. Extremely hostile and just plain mean. Besides, I’m evil, enough said.

As of today, I have obtained the necessary shares to gain controlling interest in the League. My latest purchase, which put me over the top, was thanks to Doctor Horrible who was in dire need of quick cash to pay off his student loans. (Apparently a PhD in horribleness is rather expensive.)

In conclusion, I am calling for you, BH, to vacate the post of CEO PDQ. I am giving you 24 hours to clean out your stall. As is called for in the by-laws, I will also require you to submit a formal letter of resignation.  I would appreciate knowing the ETA on that ASAP.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a shoe sale to attend.

Disrespectfully Yours,

Evil Kat

Queen Bitch of the Whole F***ing Universe

E K:lackey #1

… You know, something tells me we should all be very worried. Especially Bad Horse…

More to come…

Murv

(… If you are unfamiliar with the Evil League of Evil, Bad Horse, and/or Doctor Horrible, I highly recommend you check out the following links: drhorrible.com and  evilleagueofevil.com. You owe it to yourself to stay informed… Especially since E K is taking over…)

Being the marketing whore I am, I belong to several e-lists, forums, and even social networking sites (other than MySpank here). I would like to point out, however, that I am more along the line of a high-priced call-marketer, rather than the street corner quickie. Why? Because I try to show a little class.

I take great pains to avoid being one of those incredibly ridiculous, in your face authors who twists any and all subjects around to a mention of their latest book. For example, say you have a thread where someone says “I like oranges”…If for some odd reason I was to throw my two cents in there, it would be something along the lines of “Yeah, me too. Especially the navel oranges because I don’t like seeds.” Whereas, some of the cheaper, street corner author-whores might seize upon that opportunity to post something like, “Well, if you like oranges you should read my latest novel because in chapter 15, my protagonist, Buck Naked, eats an orange before going out to track down the bad guy, Chronic Halitosis.”

I know…It sounds utterly ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, even though I have never seen a post specifically about an orange, I have seen some just as convoluted…Some, even worse. We call this Blatant Shameless Self-Promotion. (BSSP or BSP) While self-promotion is an absolute must for authors, being so completely insane about it is…well…just icky.

What in blue blazes does this have to do with pink toenails? Not a damn thing. I just wanted to make it clear that while I’ll readily admit to being a whore, I’m neither cheap nor easy. And, “I gots class.”

Okay…So now that we have established that, back to the topic at hand. Actually, the above really does have some small amount to do with this– that being the fact that I belong to so many different lists, forums, and social networking interfaces on the web. What it comes down to is that I see a whole mess of discussions on a whole mess of different topics. Some of them so-so, some of them interesting.

And there you have it. One of these topics on a forum recently caught my attention. In fact, it has appeared on several forums, and even as commentary/questions in my personal email. While I didn’t feel a need to toss my two cents in on it at the time (nothing had been mentioned about oranges in any of the threads or emails, so why would I?) events of the last day have led me to blog about this subject…

The topic in question was, “What do authors do in their free time?”

Some of the speculation was interesting. People commented about different authors they had met in person, stating that they seemed like down to earth folks who would fit right in with their personal circle of friends. Some wondered if it was a taboo to offer to buy lunch for an author or would you be seen as a stalker (for the record, we like free lunches…but not stalkers.) Others waxed prophetic about how much fun we must be having in our multi-million dollar homes with the indoor-outdoor pools, and high-caliber celebrities coming over for parties. I am sincerely hoping that those commentaries were tongue in cheek, because I have yet to be issued my mansion and yacht…

So, in addition to the “wonder if authors hang out with their friends who knew them before they were authors” kind of questions (yes, we do, BTW), there were the typical “what’s a day in the life of an author like?”

Well…I could ramble on for hours, boring you with the details of getting up in the morning, getting my wife off to work, my daughter off to school, doing dishes. cleaning up cat barf from a geriatric, diabetic feline, spreading notes out on the table and plotting a chapter. Then, typing for a couple of hours, deciding it isn’t right and cutting and pasting for a while, only to go back and write it all over again. Making a fresh pot of coffee while eating a sandwich over the sink…Answering the phone only to discover that it is a radio interview you forgot you were supposed to do but your mouth is full of braunschwieger and swiss on whole wheat with a bread and butter pickle slice…So you wash it down and get on with the interview only to discover that the interviewer has never read your books, or even a synopsis–just two lines of the press release. Therefore, she has concluded that you must be an FBI agent and you spend 11 minutes of the 15 minute interview fielding questions you can’t possibly answer about the inner workings of Quantico while trying to convince her that you do NOT work for the FBI…Finally, you get that done and say to yourself “now where was I?”. You manage to get back to what you were doing (writing…after all, that’s what we do) and if you are lucky you get your self-imposed quota written for the day just in time to get your happy ass into the kitchen and make dinner before evil wife person and the kid get home…And, you do ALL of this without ever once wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches. (My preferred mode of dress is much classier. Cargo shorts, a t-shirt, tube socks, and if I have to run out to the post office or something, my tan Crocs…See a previous blog for details on those…)

Not very glamorous, eh? Kind of like going to the office, working on a project only to discover the data you got from Fred is wrong, so you have to redo half of it…however, you get interrupted by the boss because he/she needs you to stop what you are doing and take care of something else, even though it is something you aren’t qualified for and would be better done by Sally in accounting. Only to wind up your day picking up a bucket of chicken on the way home because the spouse has to take the kid to soccer practice. But, when you arrive late you discover the dog couldn’t hold it so he crapped in your living room…

See the parallel’s there?

“But, Murv! What the holy hell does this have to do with pink toenails?” you demand.

That should be obvious from paragraph 10. I have a daughter, and she’s at “that age.” No, not the age where she brings boys home and I sit in the living room cleaning guns. That’s a few years off yet. She’s still a munchkin and she is at that stage where she wants to be a girly girl (which is fine) but she also wants everyone around her to be pretty too.

So…What did this author do with his free time yesterday? After doing the grocery shopping and other exciting crap like that, he let his 7 year old daughter paint his toenails pink (along with a good portion of his toes).

My wife claims there’s no nail polish remover to be had in the house. I’m pretty sure she’s lying. I can tell by the evil grin.

Till the next time…

Murv