BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I have to wonder why when speaking to children we adults endeavor to complicate explanations with inferences and allusions, instead of just coming right out and saying what we mean. You know, stuff like the whole “Well… There are birds and there are bees, and then there are flowers…“

I suppose it may have to do with helping them develop deductive reasoning skills. The whole putting two and two together sort of thing. Problem is, it seems kids are way ahead of us on some of this, and they are completely unabashed in their explanations.

Yeah, this is another instance of from the mouths of… Just like the other day when my kid yelled out, “Mommy gave you a big pussy?!” (If you are new here, it’s not as bad as it sounds – see blog post What did you say?)

Similarly, this incident occurred during our morning walk while the munchkin’ was still on spring vacation. We were following the same route we had a day or so before, and on that recent walk we had seen a cat sitting on a porch. I know, no big deal. It’s not like we don’t have cats ourselves, however, this seemed to fascinate the kid since she thought the cat was “really cute.”

Anyway, the topic of conversation that morning was “whether or not that cat would be sitting on the porch again.” As it turned out, it was. Well, actually, it was sitting in front of the porch instead of on it, but the point is it was there again. Or still there for all I know, but I digress…

Once we saw the cat and the kid oohed and ahhed, we continued on our way. We’d only traveled a quarter of a block when the short person asked, “Daddy. Is that cat a boy or a girl?”

“Well, I don’t know,” I replied. “It’s kind of hard to tell at a distance when it isn’t a Calico.”

Now granted, I didn’t give her any manner of convoluted explanation, and the reality is I wouldn’t be able to tell the gender of the feline unless I went over and grabbed it up by the tail – or, if it happened to elect to put its yarbles – or lack thereof – on display as cats will sometimes do. But, my kid was undaunted. She figured that if I couldn’t figure it out, then she would venture her own theory.

“Oh… Yeah…” she mused. After a very brief pause she announced, “Maybe we could tell like you do with dogs.”

Curious, I asked, “How’s that?”

“You wait for them to pee. If it’s a boy he will lift his leg. If it’s a girl, she just looks like she’s pooping.”

Direct. To the point. And, near as I can figure, pretty damn accurate, at least where dogs are concerned.

I think I’ll take a lesson from the offspring in this case. Next time someone asks me a question – especially one I don’t really want to answer – I’ll just say, “You have to wait for them to pee…“

More to come…

Murv

…but then, we already knew that, I suppose.

I reached this conclusion just moments ago… Well, bearing the statement above in mind I suppose I was merely REMINDED of the conclusion moments ago. You see, she made a comment that could only be uttered by an alien. That comment, I will relate to you below:

“No thanks, I’ve never been really big on cheese balls.”

Okay, all you filthy minded little monkeys need to jump on the ladder and climb right on up out of the gutter. We were NOT in the bedroom when she said this, we were in the kitchen. We were both fully clothed, and no propositions had been made other than I had offered her some leftovers from the Yule party this past weekend. We were NOT talking about anyone’s anatomy… We were talking about food.

Cheese balls have been around forever… They are a staple of all known party foods. In fact, some of today’s party foods have been spawned by the omnipresent and traditional cheese ball… But, that’s a totally different blog…

If you are invited to a party, even at the last minute, and need to bring something, you can always find a cheese ball at the store. Or at the very least, with almost no skill whatsoever, you can toss one together in nothing flat. I mean, even if you don’t have time to spend on an elaborate cheese ball (softening and blending the cheeses, adding spices and herbs, and all that jazz), a simple block of cream cheese, a couple of bags of shredded milk curd of your favorite flavor, a packet of dry veggie soup mix and voila! Cheese ball. Not only a respectable cheese ball, but to borrow a phrase from Alton Brown and twist it to my own convoluted use – damn good eats. Now, if you happen to have an extra thirty seconds you can even dress it up a bit. Wrap it in some Buddig ™ ham, or roll it in some crushed nuts. Voila! Now you have a semi-fancy cheese ball…really damn good eats.

Now, if you are blessed with both time and talent, go for the superbly fancy cheese ball (I will refrain from giving you a recipe here because that’s not really what this blog is about) and hey, you get orgasmically good eats.

So… Fancy, semi-fancy, or just plain, the cheese ball is easily had. And, if you don’t want to make it, you can probably get one at the local supermarket at almost any time of the year. But, at this time of the year, if you can’t find one, you aren’t looking. There is, to say the least, a veritable glut of the softened, rolled, curd confection in supermarkets during the holidays. After all, it’s the party season, plus all you need to do is consider the source – way back when, cheese, grain, and root veggies were pretty much what you had to live on when Winter solstice rolled around. They were food items that would keep, and could be stored away for the cold months when you didn’t have fresh stuff growing in the field… But, again, that is another blog…

Now, let us look at the versatility of our beloved cheese ball.

1) You can always take them to parties and they are an instant crowd pleaser – except where aliens are concerned, of which we have established my wife is one. Being an evil redheaded alien, I suspect she is probably their leader…

2) Leftover cheese ball makes a great snack on the leftover crackers the day after the party when you are too hung over to even think about cooking, and all you want to do is toss something down to quell the hunger. HINT: At this point, in order to keep from messing up the house any more than it already is, the leftover cheese ball on cracker should be consumed over the sink.

3) Leftover cheese ball works well as a sandwich spread to liven up that bologna or pressed ham/pickle loaf lunch meat you are taking to work with you between two slices of leftover bread from the party.

4) If folks show up unexpectedly, leftover cheese ball and crackers makes for a quick impromptu party snack. HINT: 10 seconds in the microwave and you can roll it back into a ball so it looks like new and they think you prepared it just for them alone. Simply pop it back in the fridge for a few minutes before serving.

5) Leftover cheese ball will last almost indefinitely. If you get a bit tired of it after the party, just put it in a Ziploc™ or Tupperware™ container, and stick it in the fridge. A few months later when you are looking for a midnight snack, dig it out and slap it on some Triscuits™ or Saltines™. HINT: If it is fuzzy, simply scrape off the moldy portion, discard it, and enjoy what is left. If the mold is blue, then don’t discard – it simply means you’ve got yourself a bleu cheese ball. (This is NOT to be confused with Blue Balls… As I said, climb on up out of the gutter…)

6) If you have run out of room in the fridge, then suck all the air out of the Ziploc™ (they have special ones with little vacuum pumps for that now to make it even easier) and toss it in the freezer. It will survive in there as long as, if not longer than, fruitcake.

7) If it is a port wine cheese ball, and you are out of booze, no worries. The wine is already in the cheese.

7A) If you are going to a wine and cheese party, by taking a port wine cheese ball you have covered all your bases, effectively killing both of the proverbial birds with a single cheese ball.

8) Leftover cheese ball – and even leftover cheese balls, as in many of them – along with a bit of milk and chicken or vegetable stock can be quickly and easily turned into cheese soup for a lovely first course.

9) If you are feeling really ambitious and are looking to impress folks, leftover cheese ball and a shot of brandy will render you a perfectly respectable fondue.

And, lastly…

10) A frozen cheese ball in a tube sock makes a great impromptu weapon if you have a household intruder. Then, merely pop it in the microwave for a few seconds, and you have a lovely snack to serve the cops who respond to the 911 call.

These are but 10 of the possibilities for the ever versatile cheese ball. I could go on and on, but the reality is, your own imagination is the only limiting factor. Cheese balls are one of the single greatest inventions of mankind, and most assuredly one of the most perfect foodstuffs…

So, anyone who doesn’t like them must be an alien, just like my wife…

More to come…

Murv