BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

As promised, I am throwing together a few blogs about our adventures on vacation. Please make note that they won’t necessarily be in chronological order as far as the vacation itself went. They are actually in “transcribed jotted down note order,” which makes sense to me, but not really everyone else. At any rate, this is number one in the series…

Wednesday. Fourth day of vacation. Evil Kat has now tortured us all mercilessly with “pre-hikes” leading up to her plan for today – The Death March. Seriously. She actually had it on the itinerary. She didn’t call it a death march because she didn’t want us to know that’s what it was, but hey, we figured it out right quick…

After a quick breakfast at the restaurant for Colter Bay Village in the Grand Tetons, where we had been staying in a cabin, we were packed and ready to set off to West Yellowstone, Montana, which would become our base camp for the rest of the vacation. That way we would have a place to crash and be able to make excursions into Yellowstone National Park. Good plan, but as I mentioned, there was this death march with which we needed to contend.

Before heading north to West Yellowstone, E K wanted to hike the “Hidden Falls Trail” at Jenny Lake. Some of you may remember my status update:

At Jenny Lake. Forest is here too… JEH-NAYYY! 10:59 AM 6/15

On Death March at Jenny Lake. Help ME!

That was more or less my “Blair Witch Project” swan song. By that I mean, less than twenty minutes later, Her Supreme Redheaded Evilness had us on the trail. Thing about it is this – we were already at high altitude, so next thing you know we were going up the side of a mountain, then down the side of a mountain, then around a lake, back up, back down, along the lake, switched back, up, down, around, down, up, up, up, around, down, up, up, UP, and then we came to the washed out bridge. Yeah. So then we had to go up some more – through two feet of snow. Melting snow. The kind where you take a step and then one leg crashes through and you end up doing the splits and having deadly pine needle infused snow crystals all up in your BVD’s. No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I ended up with deadly pine needle infused snow crystals all up in my BVD’s. Well, actually it was my Fruit of the Looms, but you get the idea. (BTW – Make note of the “do rag” I’m wearing in the picture above… It comes into play later.)

Hidden Falls. Not so hidden once you get there...

Anywho, on with the story… After seeing The Hidden Falls, and playing photographer for other folks who wanted their family photo taken in front of it (I really should have set up a concession stand, I’m tellin’ ya’…) we hiked up, up, down, down, down, around, through, up, down, up, down, through, around, down, down, DOWN until we came to the dock. What dock? The dock on the other side of the lake where the boat met us and took us back to where we started. Then it was back into the rental vehicle and off to West Yellowstone.

Now… To get to West Yellowstone coming from where we were, one had to pass through Yellowstone proper. Well… not just one… all of us, actually. But that’s not my point. My point is that we had to go through Yellowstone, so why not take some time to stop, look at Old Somewhat Faithful, and walk at least a portion of the loop before heading on into Montana. I mean, after all, it’s not like we had done any walking yet for the day, right? <– [Gratuitous Sarcasm]

However… There had to be some shopping too. After all, when you have a tween o-spring, she will be all about the souvenir thing.

Something you might not know about me – unless E K and I are out doing the “Pretty Woman” thing, I don’t shop. I hate to shop. When I go to the store I know what I want, I get it, and then I get out. ‘Nuff said.

But on with the show… We arrived at the “Mercantile” or whatever they call it there in the Old Somewhat Faithful area of the upper geyser basin. They want to go shopping. I want to sit. Fortunately, someone at the “Mercantile” already knew I was coming, because there were 409,345 rocking chairs lined up along the boardwalk in front of the place. I found one and I sat in it.

Here’s where the importance of the “do rag” comes in…

The motor-sickles showed up. Apparently all these dudes and dudettes on said motor-sickles took my “do rag” to mean I might possibly be of the two-wheel ilk myself, so instead of sitting in any of the other rocking chairs, they joined me in my row. They introduced themselves. The chatted with me like I was a long lost pal. They showed me their tattoos. Of course, when they asked me what sort of bike I rode I couldn’t lie, so I told them, “Well, I used to have a Schwinn, but now I’ve just got a K-Mart Special 10-speed.”

I figured they’d probably decide I wasn’t all that cool at that point, but apparently they thought it was funny. Not sure how much comedy they get to see out on the open road, so I was glad to at least give them a laugh. At any rate, instead of running off, they hung around and we commiserated about the fact that I was stuck there waiting for my “old lady” while she shopped, and all that good stuff. I mean, we had ourselves a grand ol’ time there on the Group Motor-Sickle Boardwalk.

Schwinn, K-Mart Special, or not… And it was all good.

Fear This!

But that, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with “Yes, Dear…”

You see, that part finally happened after all of my newly found friends with the motor-sickles headed up and moved out, offering to take me with them since my “old lady” was still on a spending spree.

It was tempting. I mean, touring Yellowstone on a Motor-Sickle and all… But since they were my new friends I didn’t want them to get hurt. So, I explained to them that they really had no idea what they would be getting into if I came along, then mentioned the name “Evil Kat.” They all suddenly became very nervous, and then said that, as much as they liked me, I was on my own. Seems they were familiar with The Supreme Evil Redhead’s reputation.

But back to the “Yes, Dear…”

A nice young couple came out of the ice cream shop and settled themselves into chairs next to me. As friendly tourists will do, we struck up a conversation, talking about the scenery, geo-thermal events, and ice cream. Eventually, when things reached a lull I simply stared off into space, or parking lot, or whatever. Suddenly I heard a sharp, “MURV!”

When my name is said in such a way by Her Supreme Evilness that generally means she has now had to repeat herself.

I instantly responded, without even looking in her direction, “YES, DEAR!”

The couple next to me chuckled.

“We’re ready to go,” E K barked.

“I’m glad somebody is…” I mumbled.

The couple next to me chuckled again.

I pushed myself up out of the chair, and with all of the camera equipment, water bottles, and other necessary hiking about items for three people strapped to my person, began to trudge away, following the one of red hair.

I glanced back over my shoulder at the couple and said, “Y’all enjoy those chairs for me, okay?”

This, of course, elicited yet another chuckle from the pair.

But, let’s face it… I mean, it’s not like THEY were going to save me. The bikers had hauled a$$ out of there at the mere mention of “The E K,” so an ice cream eating couple from some small town in east wherever definitely wasn’t about to mount a rescue op.

Oh well, judging from their chuckles at least I entertained them for a few seconds… I wonder if they blog…

More to come…

Murv

I grew up in an age where we had a little bit of patience. For instance, when we wanted to watch something on TV we actually had to wait for it to be on, and be in front of the TV at the designated time. But what made us even more patient is that we had to turn on the toob an hour ahead of time so that the glass vacuum tubes and Cathode Ray Tube that made it work could warm up. No, I’m not kidding. Well, maybe about the hour part. But if you wanted to watch something you definitely turned on the TV a good five minutes or so ahead of time so that said tubes could get warm and things could come into focus. Especially if it was necessary to adjust the tin foil on the rabbit ears because of the weather or time of year. Again, not kidding.

So, what’s my point here?

I’m not really sure…

Wait… Oh yeah… You see, we had patience and perseverance. We would spend months collecting boxtops from breakfast cereal we absolutely hated but ate anyway all so we could send away for some cheap, plastic decoder ring or some such. The point being, we would bide our time and do what was necessary to get what we wanted.

Not so much now. We live in an instant gratification sort of age. One in which folks want it all, right here, right now, and they don’t want to take time collecting things.

Again, what is my point here?

I have NO f*cking idea. Sorry…

And so, without further rambling from me, here we have the first quarter, round three aggregation of the Daily Merpizms, all in one place so that you don’t have to spend time collecting them daily.

Bazzinga.

The Whizzdom Of Merp

January 2011

Merpizm 01/01/11: “Without exception, everyone has a kink of some sort. Most are just too embarrassed to admit it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/02/11: “No matter how many times you explain satire, some people will just never get it. Facebook wall comments prove this.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/03/11: “If the bastards somehow manage to get you down, just break their kneecaps and level the playing field.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/04/11: “Sadly, there are some days that even Dangerously Delicious Coffee can’t fix.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/05/11: “Being too smart for your own good means you’ve basically come almost full circle and are right back at stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/06/11: “Nothing wakes you up and gets your blood moving quite like a clock falling off the wall at 3:17 AM.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/07/11: “There is a huge difference between acute stupidity and chronic stupidity.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/08/11: “Not everyone is chronically stupid. But those who are seem to think they speak for everyone.” ~ MRS

BONUS Merpizm 01/08/11: “We now know the answer to the age old question, ‘where do birds go when they die?’ Arkansas.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/09/11: “Reading the Constitution and actually comprehending what it says are two completely different things.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/10/11: “Drama is the refuge of those who don’t feel as if they are getting enough attention.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/11/11: “Whenever you hear a Witch cackle, it means a monkey just earned its wings.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/12/11: “Listen… Do you hear stupid?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/13/11: “You can always tell that it’s high class porn when it has subtitles.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/14/11: “Personally, I would NEVER want to be correct all of the time. That’s just too much responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/15/11: “Religion is like the junk drawer on your desk. It’s where you hide the stuff you don’t want to deal with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/16/11: “Trust me. You do NOT want to know what really goes on inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/17/11: “If you don’t want me to make fun of you then stop giving me so much material to work with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/18/11: “If you do a stupid, just own it and move on. It’s like Mr. Miyagi’s Crane Technique for personal responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/19/11: “When you assume you make and ASS out of U and U alone, because YOU did the stupid, NOT ME.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/20/11: “I really don’t care which way the toilet paper hangs, as long as the roll isn’t empty.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/21/11: “Whenever you start feeling TOO proud of yourself, remember – you are NOT as brilliant as you imagine.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/22/11: “I’m much funnier than most people realize. You just have to bring yourself down to my level. Drinking helps.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/23/11: “We could solve a lot of environmental problems with methane
powered vehicles and a steady diet of Navy beans.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/24/11: “No matter how hard I try, I still can’t find any Internet porn that’s as good as the porn inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/25/11: “I do what my wife says. It’s safer for me that way.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/26/11: “If you aren’t happy with who you are, change. Just don’t turn into an asshole, because I’ve got dibs on that one.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/27/11: “There’s a time and place for everything, but it’s not here and not now, so find someplace else to be stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/28/11: “March to your own drummer, but keep the volume down and don’t expect everyone else to like the same beat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/29/11: “Real experts are those who, while dubbed experts by their peers, readily admit that they will never stop learning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/30/11: “Before assigning blame, you should first check to see how much of it you spilled on your own shirt.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/31/11: “It takes approximately 72 muscles to speak. It takes ZERO to stop and think before you give those 72 a workout.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv