BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So, I’ve had multiple requests for a “repeat” of the “Gospels of the Bean” updates/tweets from a while back. In fact, I’ve even had folks requesting them for Christmas. Since I’ve been so busy with Luetsencurbenpuken (yes, I still need to post some pictures from 2010) and such, I neglected to have a blog entry ready for this morning… Therefore… Yeah. I’m going to get my lazy on and do a big old copy and paste from the “Gospels of the Bean” text file.

Since I am writing this while pumping bean jooce into myself, AND I will need to go roust the o-spring and redhead very soon, this is going to be pretty haphazard. As in, no particular order. I have a busy day ahead and, besides, you know how my mind works anyway…

WHAT IS COFFEE?

cof-fee [kaw-fee, kof-ee] -noun : decoction of crushed, roasted seeds ingested primarily as a vehicle for caffeine delivery. – I haz some.

COFFEE COMMANDMENTS

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God…”

“1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

“2: You shall not make for yourself a false coffee, such as anything that is in the likeness of decaf.”

“3: You shall not spill the brew of the BEAN in vain.”

“4: Remember the birthday of Saint Juan Valdez, to keep it holy.”

“5: Honor thy roasts, espresso, dark, medium, regular, and all in between.”

“6: You shall not murder after partaking of the brew. Before is okay, after, not so much.”

“7: You shall not drink tea as opposed to coffee, for this act is to commit adultery against the BEAN.”

“8: You shall not steal the coffee of another.”

“9: You shall not falsely accuse thy neighbor of being a cola drinker.”

“10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s Bunn, Krups, Saeco, etc.”

GOSPELS OF THE BEAN

On the third day, Starbuck said to them, “Drink this and you will live, for it is of the BEAN.” Gevalia 42:18

BEAN said,”In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, COFFEE will overcome.” Juan 16:33

And Juan did according to all that the BEAN commanded him. – Gevalia 7:5

When Starbuck partook of the coffee, he bowed down to the ground before the BEAN. – Gevalia 24:52

Starbuck said to the baristas, “Come here and listen to the words of the BEAN your God.” – Starbuck 3:9

“It will produce caffeinated beverages for you, and you will drink the brew of the BEAN.” – Gevalia 3:18

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God… 1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

The angel of BEAN said to me in the diner, ‘Coffee?’ I answered, ‘Yes, please.’ – Gevalia 31:11

“So BEAN created coffee in its own image, in the image of BEAN it created brew; Arabica and Canephora it created them.” – Gevalia 1:27

“So Juan moved his tents and went to live near the mountains, where he built an altar to the BEAN.” – Gevalia 13:18

BEAN said to Coffee, “Where is your brother Espresso?”, “I dunno,” he replied. “Do I look like a Starbucks?” Gevalia 4:9

The Bean said, “It is not good for mankind to be groggy. I will make a caffeinated drink suitable for them.” – Gevalia 2:18

Bean said, “Let there be brew,” and there was brew. Bean saw that brew was good, and separated brew from grounds. – Gevalia 1:3

For coffee so loved the world it gave its one and only brew, that whoever drinks it shall be not foul but have good mood. – Krups 3:16

Brew not, and you shall not have coffee. Drink not, and you shall not be awake. — 2 Juan,  6:37

“Now, my Coffee, may your bean be ground and your caffeine extracted for the drinkers of your brew.” — 2 Starbucks,  6:40

“He who has coffee is better than the coffeeless; and he that drinketh his coffee than he that doesn’t.” – 1 Peaberry, 16:32

“Tea may endure for a night, but coffee cometh in the morning.” — Peaberry 30:5

May the glory of the bean endure forever; may the bean rejoice in its caffeine – 1 Folgers, 2:19

Awaken me, O COFFEE, for your caffeine is kind; With your great stimulant, lead me to the path of consciousness. —Starbuck 69:69

COFFEE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Coffee makes all things new again. A public service announcement of the Church of the Latter Day Bean…

PENNANCE

Tea is an Aqueous sin and Cola is both an Aqueous and a Carbonic sin, making it far worse. 24 Hail Peaberries minimum

COFFEE PRAYER

Oh coffee, who art in cup, Java be thy name. Thy espresso shot, rich and hot, just keep the refills a comin’…

Oh coffee, who art in cup, peaberry be thy name. Thy caffeine come, as I swill one, do they have refills in heaven?

COFFEE AFFRIMATIONS

Coffee is great, coffee is good, I’d best go drink some before I’m rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good. Better give me more before I get rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good, let us thank it for our mood…

Thou hast raised me from sleep, O coffee; awaken my mind and open my lips, that I may praise Thee, O Holy Trinity- Bean, creamer, and sugar.

Glory be to the bean and to the grinder and to the water, as it was in the beginning, but is now, coffee without end.

Coffee…grant me the strength to pour, the serenity to brew when the pot is empty, and the wisdom to not kill anyone yet.

COFFEE CONFESSIONS

Confession time – I have a little plastic statue of Juan Valdez and his donkey on the dash of my truck…

I like my coffee straight up, no frills. But when I feel a little kinky, I put on one of my wife’s negligees and have an espresso…

FROM THE COFFEE HYMNAL

I like my coffee bay-bee! Hot, fresh, and… well, not so sticky. But strong, yes. Stronger the better. (Rock Candy)

Coffee, coffee, bo boffee, banana bana, fo foffee, fee, fi, mo, moffee! KAW-FEE! (The Name Game)

Have another cup of coffee, but don’t be sloppy, be careful don’t spill it, when you refill it, have another cup of coffee…  (Manic Monday)

COFFEE IS…

Coffee is… The only thing that keeps me from climbing the clock tower with a rifle in the morning.

Coffee is… My Mistress, and damn she’s hot and steamy…

Coffee is… An essential part of the food pyramid.

Coffee is… Do I really need to embellish here?

Coffee is… Not just a good idea, it’s the law.

Coffee is… My own personal Prozac.

COFFEE QUOTES

I need a faster coffee bean juicer…

Coffee… There can be only one.

Coffee… Not just a good idea. It’s a way of life.

If it weren’t for coffee, well then, I guess I’d just have to be an even bigger asshole today…

I love the smell of coffee in the morning… Smells like… burnt coffea canephora berries actually…

It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by juice of the bean that thoughts acquire speed, desk stained, cup empty…

Ahhh… Freshly squeezed coffea canephora juice… It just makes the world look so much more… well… tolerable.

Chemicals my ass! Without COFFEE, life itself would be impossible…

COFFEE QUESTIONS

How many beans do you have to squeeze for one cup of coffee?

More to come…

Murv

My name is Murv, and I’m a book whore. My last book purchase was…

Okay, kidding aside… Well, sorta… You know me.

Some of you may be aware that all of the RGI books are now available in e-book versions. Not just Kindle, mind you, but the ubiquitous “e-pub” format that is readable on the Sony, Nook, Kobo, and many others. The e-pub versions just hit recently and are available via Smashwords.com – and, they will soon be showing up on many of the popular e-book portals out there, such as Sony’s E-book Store, Barnes & Noble’s Nook Store, and so on.

Well, as usual, I proceeded to tout this on my Facebook page as soon as my publicist, the Amazing Wendy, told me about it. In the midst of all that touting, one of my good buddies, Virginia Witt MD – or “Doc” as I prefer to call her, posed a question to me:

Murv, as an author, how do you feel about e-books?  I’m really torn.  I love the feel of the book in my hand, and have a reverence for books that goes back years.  I can’t dog-ear them, I can’t write in them.  It’s like I have the Goddess Libraria as my patroness.

But… my home library has gotten way out of control.  The last time I moved (8 years ago) I had 87 boxes of books.  Boxes. O. Books.  I have multiple bookcases in every room except the bathrooms.  And the environment would be helped by fewer trees being killed to make them.  But authors are paid less per book sold, yes?  So… what’s your take?

Good question…

Like you, Doc, and many others as well, I am all about the physical book in my hands. But, I think that’s a function of age. We grew up in an era of books on paper and while some of us old farts have made the transition, many of us – like you and I – have not.

That said…

E-books are part of a new avenue in the book industry, just like POD.  If you don’t know what that is, POD stands for “Print on Demand.” This basically means that the book is printed on a digital press as opposed to offset, web, sheetfed, etc. That way it can be printed very quickly in smaller batches – when demanded (ordered) and the need for warehousing, extra insurance, inventory taxes, etc are alleviated. Yeah, I may just write the books, but I’ve done a little research.

POD technology was once the purview of not so high quality books put out by not so high quality publishers. Not ALL of them, mind you, but enough of them that the tech got a bad name from it, and bookstores & libraries shunned POD books. Unfortunately, some of them still do today, even though Print on Demand  has gone through its trials and tribulations, and has proven itself. In fact, now, almost every publisher on the block – from the big guy to the little guy – is using it for some or all of their titles. It saves money, time, trees, and still accomplishes the same goal. On top of that, there is now a machine – in the second or third generation by this point, I believe – called the Espresso Book Machine. You will find them in some bookstores and libraries. Just a few at the moment, but the number is growing. What this machine does is prints and binds a book for you right on the spot. Yes. What this means is, if the store doesn’t have the book in stock, if it is in the POD system as a digital file, you can have it produced for you right on the spot. Takes all of about 15 minutes. No more waiting for that call from the bookstore – which is sometimes forgotten – to let you know your special order finally showed up. Nope. If the store has an Espresso and the book is available via POD, you order it, go grab a cuppa, and then walk out the door with your freshly printed, still warm hunk o’ literature, and it doesn’t look any different than any other trade paperback on the shelves.

Cool, eh? I sorta think so…

And now, we have e-books…

In reality, e-books have been around almost as long as POD. And again, unfortunately, the tech was the purview of many a fly-by-night publisher that didn’t bother to edit what they were pushing. Still, it was an inexpensive way to get books out into the hands of the people.

And, I’ve always said, everyone has the right to be published. They don’t necessarily have the right to be “read,” however… But you have to have the first part before you can even take a crack at the second part.

Like POD, e-publishing has grown, worn a few hand-me-downs, ripped out its britches a few times, gone shopping, been awkward, had zits, started shaving, and now it has grown up into a young adult…

What I mean by that is this – With the proliferation of the Kindle, then the iPad, now the Sony e-reader (which had been around long before), Nook, Kobo, and others, digital readers are flourishing and coming into their own. More and more people are moving toward e-book versions.

So, my feelings?

1. It provides another avenue to get books – mine included – out to a new and ever expanding audience. That means more folks reading (which is good) and a few more jangling coins in my pocket (hopefully) which is good for my daughter’s college fund.
2. On the note of getting paid less – well, that’s a yes and no sorta thing. First off, authors don’t get paid anywhere near what people think we get paid, unless, of course, we happen to have a name like Grisham, King, Patterson, “Castle”… I even have an amusing / sad anecdote about that – The o-spring had a school project where she had to write a paper about someone “famous.” It warmed my heart to discover that she chose yours truly as the subject of her research. Unfortunately, a quarter of the way into it I was replaced by someone else because one of her classmates told her I couldn’t possibly be famous because we  lived in a modest, suburban house and weren’t “rich.” True story.
3. But, on to that money thing… Truth is, the royalty percentage on an e-book is generally higher than on a print book – depending upon your publisher and the contract you have with them. Some authors get ALL of the proceeds as they retained their electronic rights and do it themselves. Of course, the selling price of the e-book is usually lower than that of the print version. So, it all comes out in the wash, really.
4. On the note of boxes and boxes of books… I’m right there with you. And, when I am writing while on the road I will often carry a backpack filled with research materials. Ever try to do an OJ through O’Hare when you have 23 minutes between connections and you’re carrying 40 lbs of books and laptop computer on your back? Not fun… So, I’m definitely considering an e-reader of sorts – possibly even an iPad or some other ultra-compact tablet computer – to lighten my load just a bit.

I guess it’s sort of like the car never replacing the horse & buggy… We saw how that worked out. This is not to say that print books will disappear entirely. After all, there are still horses and buggies around. But, I do think they will eventually become a piece of nostalgia, possibly within our lifetimes. Some school / college libraries have already begun replacing hundreds of books from their shelves with electronic versions.

It’s flying, Orville. We’d best grab a seat before they are all taken…

Hope that answered your query Doc. Now I shall go have some more coffee and ponder what sort of e-reader I want to con E K into letting me buy.

More to come…

Murv