" /> BRAINPAN LEAKAGE » fiction author
  • Killer Plots…

      0 comments

    Something people like to ask me is whether or not I have ever killed someone off  in a story. Well, since I write suspense thrillers about serial killers one would think that I could just look at them and say, “Duh.”

    Well, sometimes I do, actually.

    Then they go on to explain that what they really mean is, “Have you ever put a real person into a story and killed them off in the story because you were mad at them or something?”

    Then I look at them and say, “What? Are you some kind of sicko or something?”

    After I spend a few minutes watching them get all flustered I let them off the hook and give them a real answer.

    That being, “Yes. Of course.”

    I have made real live annoyances in my life into characters, then had them meet an ugly demise. This is something that every fiction author on the planet who writes a murder mystery, suspense thriller, or the like has done at one time or another. If such an author tells you otherwise, s/he is lying. Guaranteed. They can tell you I am full of it if they want, but they are still lying. I take a dump every morning.

    Hell, just look at the facts – they even have coffee cups and t-shirts that say, “Be careful or I’ll kill you in my next book.”

    Those didn’t happen by themselves, let me tell you.

    So, yes, over the years I – like most all of my word slinging colleagues (some of them write non-fic) – have named fictional victims in my novels after old girlfriends… I have named them after the idiot behind the counter at the local shop ‘n stop… I have named them after someone who did me wrong… And then I have offed them in some horribly gruesome and terribly painful fashion – all on the pages of a novel.

    It’s one of those cathartic writing exercises. It makes you feel good and just a little evil at the same time.

    However, one particular “story killin'” stands out in my mind above all others. It actually didn’t happen in a novel. It was in a short vignette I wrote while in High School. You see, I was in a film study class – mostly because it was an English Credit, and I had already taken all of the truly academic English/Lit courses. This is not to say it wasn’t a good class, because it was. I actually learned quite a bit and enjoyed it immensely. But I digress…

    During that semester there was this girl seated in the desk next to mine. We’ll call her Janice, mostly because that was her name. Now, Janice wasn’t a horrible person by any stretch. At least, not that I am (or was) aware. She was, however, insanely annoying. You see, she had no desire whatsoever to think for herself, so even in a class so subjective as Film Study, she wanted everyone else to provide her with the answers. Since I was sitting a mere three feet to her left, and was “gettin’ good grades” as Timbuk 3 would say, she figured I was a good candidate for providing them.

    In keeping with the song reference theme, she had another issue – Just like Joe Walsh has crooned, “she just would not shut up…”

    Yeah, Janice was a talker, and that just made her even more annoying.

    So moving right along… One day Janice happened to notice that I didn’t just write for the school newspaper. This happened because I dropped some papers and she got to them before me. My guess is she was probably looking to see if there were answers she could steal. What the papers were, however, were some of my short stories.  For whatever reason, this intrigued her, and she embarked upon a mission to talk me into writing a story that featured, who else, her.

    She kept on me, and on me, and on me for more than a week. Every time I saw her in a class. Now, it bears mentioning here that Janice and I weren’t exactly friends, nor were we dating or anything like that. She was just one of those bizarre folk who would glom onto someone and drive them crazy just because… well… she could.

    Anyway, after finally becoming fed up with the harassment, I gave in. That evening, I went home and rolled a sheet of paper into my trusty Smith-Corona manual typewriter (yes, I’m old) and proceeded to tap out a 2 or 3 page vignette featuring none other than Janice herself. It was a sci-fi sort of setting, with her being a high level operative of some government organization who had been captured by very bad people – but in a stroke of blonde genius (yes, Janice was blonde and a poster child for the negative stereotype) she had managed to subdue her immediate captors and was making her escape from the maximum security facility where she was being held for interrogation. (wow… that was a long sentence)…

    Anyhow, as I am sure you have guessed, she didn’t make it. It was a sad and horrible death. Not overly gruesome. Just the right amount of gore, mixed with pain, and a healthy dose of “holy shit, I should have turned left instead of right.”

    The next day, in Film Study class, as we were taking our seats and she was bugging me, I handed over the pages. Ten minutes later, as we were all sitting quietly, working on our assignments, she blurted out while waving the papers wildly, “WHAT? YOU KILLED ME?!”

    Now, there is something else I should mention here – Our teacher, whose desk was nearby, had been hearing Janice annoy me about this story for the entire week prior. In fact, the teacher had even told her to lay off on several occasions, not that it really did any good, obviously.

    So, as Janice belted out her umbrage over my having dared to do her in on the page, drawing quiet attention from every corner of the room, the teacher looked up from her desk and without missing a beat said, “Can you blame him? You’ve been annoying the poor guy all semester.”

    Hmm… I think maybe I should name a victim Janice in a future novel. After all, that’s one of the great things about being a fiction author – you can always dig  up your enemies and kill ’em again…

    More to come…

    Murv

  • The Status Quote – 1st Q #2…

      0 comments

    As you can plainly see I have undertaken a task here. Some of you may be wondering what it is. Others among you just might have it figured out. Here’s a clue – parenthood.

    Still not getting it?

    Okay, let me make it easier for you. We all want the best for our kids. We want them to have it easier than we had it, to have more with less hardship. Not always a good thing, really, because with hardship comes life lessons we can’t afford to live without. Still, if we can teach those lessons and still make things easier on our kids, we will. In a heartbeat. Unless we are bad parents, but that’s another story.

    Therefore, to that end, rather than forcing my daughter to take dictation via a Twitter account in order to make a buck off of the inane ramblings of her old dad, I’m doing it for her. Years from now, when I’m rolling around in a wheelchair and complaining about my daily prune ration, she can be raking in the dough from a sitcom based on my sillicisms

    And so I give you, the daily quote project, first quarter, round two…

    The Whizzdom Of Merp

    December 2010

    Merpizm 12/01/10: “Stupid is highly contagious; however, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot contract it from a toilet seat.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/02/10: “Lying, and not telling the truth, are two completely different things. Any fiction author can tell you that.” ~ M. R. Sellars

    Merpizm 12/03/10: “The longer stupid is left untreated, the harder it is to cure.” ~ M. R. Sellars

    Merpizm 12/04/10: “The denser an object, the greater its gravitational pull. However, the denser an INDIVIDUAL… Well, not so much.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/05/10: “Disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I’m an intolerant ass. It just means I disagree with you.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/06/10: “First Law of Desire – Be ready to pay, as you will often find that the price-to-reward ratio is highly disproportionate.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/07/10: “If you think my politics aren’t compatible with yours, bear in mind that reverse is likely true as well.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/08/10: “Mirrors won’t reflect how other people see you. For that, you must look at your image in their eyes.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/09/10: “None of my quotes have been profound. Plenty of amateurs find them, but no pros thus far.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/10/10: “Personal Respsonsibility – the concept of ‘owning your sh*t’ includes admitting it whenever you fart in public.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/11/10: “Sometimes you just gotta add some chlorine to the gene pool.” ~ Det. Benjamin Storm (Via MRS)

    Merpizm 12/12/10: “It all started when my sibilant disagreed with my fricative. Next thing you know, I bit my tongue and that was the end of it.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/13/10: “Learn to accept that some people are idiots and you won’t have to worry about your blood pressure nearly as much.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/14/10: “I don’t know about anybody else, (but) When I get on Facebook I quote myself.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/15/10: “As with sex, if you don’t take precautions prior to speaking, you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/16/10: “Why are libraries quiet? Simple. People who read are smart enough to shut up and not let their stupid leak out.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/17/10: “Last night, sleep hit me so hard even the referee kept saying, ‘Don’t get up. Just stay down for the count, dude…'” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/18/10: “I’m not absolutely certain, but I think my liver might have run away from home sometime last night.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/19/10: “You know you’ve had enough to drink when the water in the commode has a foamier head than your beer.” ~ MRS (LKP Day 3)

    Merpizm 12/20/10: “It’s okay if you don’t think I’m funny. I don’t think you’re funny either, so we’re even.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/21/10: “There simply isn’t enough coffee to prepare you for what people did on your Facebook wall while you slept.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/22/10: “Don’t ask me questions until you’ve had your coffee. I don’t have time for your stupid this early in the morning.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/23/10: “Yes, the 1st amendment DOES give you the right to be stupid. It also gives me the right to point your stupid out to you.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/24/10: “My pet peeve is people who think their pet peeve is some kind of universal law to which everyone must capitulate.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/25/10: “Trust me. When I want you to take me seriously, you’ll know it.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/26/10: “Forget it. If I have to explain it to you, then you aren’t going to appreciate what I said anyway.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/27/10: “Anonymity is like a prescription drug. Beneficial when used properly, but when abused it’s like a steroid for stupid.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/28/10: “First thing every morning I look at pr0n on the internet. If things still react as they should, I know I’m not dead yet.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/29/10: “Ever notice that if you aren’t wearing your glasses, fugitive coffee beans on the floor look kinda like rat poop?” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/30/10: “Hey, if the fortune cookie says I should have another beer, who am I to argue?” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 12/31/10: “Prior to 12/25 a Christmas tree is a festive decoration. After that it’s just a tree inside your house.” ~ MRS

    More to come…

    Murv