BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Back in the 70’s, C. W. McCall (Bill Fries) along with Chip Davis (Yeah, THAT Chip Davis) wrote a song called Green River. If you’d like to listen to the original, here’s a link:

I suppose you are  probably wondering why I am even bringing up an almost 40 year old song. Well, you see, it’s like this: Evil Kat.

Come on… You knew The Supreme Redhead had to be involved in this somehow…

Back in the days when it was just E K and her leashed pets – that being two canines and one husband (I can’t complain, she bought me a really nice collar with an engraved tag that said Property of Evil Kat on it) we used to go on float trips CONSTANTLY. For non-Missourians – as I have found that the term “float-trip” is not universal – a float trip is where you rent a canoe, get dropped off with it and your coolers, and paddle/float yourself down a river to the “take-out point,” which can either be where you parked originally, or a different place where they pick you up and bring you back to your car.

This is intended to be fun. As a rule, it usually is. Like I said, back in the day, E K would leash us up, put us in the car, and off we’d go. There was one year I recall that we went on float trips almost every weekend for the entire summer. AND, truth be told, a float trip was EKay’s and my first official date – and she still married me anyway. But that’s a different blog that I’ll tell sometime in the future.

At any rate, back to the here and now. For several years after the O-spring came along, we stopped “floating” – primarily due to time constraints. However, now that she is older and can come along with us, and can swim, and all that good stuff, E K has made it her mission in life to see to it that we go on at least one float per summer, if not more. With that, she has started scheduling an end of summer float with friends for the past two years. One more year and it becomes a tradition…

Last year’s float, while it had a couple of mildly harrowing incidents, was almost completely unremarkable as compared to this year’s canoeing odyssey – which occurred just yesterday,  Saturday August 27…

I knew it would become a blog when we were less than a mile into the float. Why? Because Steve, Mary, and Tammy flipped. Not as in “flipped someone off,” or “flipped out”… Although, they DID flip out of the canoe, so I guess in a way they DID flip out. Basically, Mary’s sunglasses “flipped” off her head, Steve tried to grab them, they all shifted in the canoe, and… Well… Moments later we were standing on a gravel bar emptying water from their craft and then reloading it with their coolers.

But what REALLY told me this would be a blog was that while we were reloading their “boat,” some other canoers came around the bend, merrily singing “Row, Row, Row your boat.” To this, a waterlogged Mary muttered under her breath, “I’ll show you row, row your f*cking boat… Quit your damn singing.”

After that, it was all over for us. The river proceeded to exact revenge upon each and every member of our group. E K, O-Spring, and I flipped – something that literally has NOT happened since the second time E K and I went floating (We are actually pretty damn good “canoe drivers”). Mary was taken down by a slippery rock and banged the crap out of her knee. Same thing then happened to the O-spring. We were caught in a snag and I had to bail out of the canoe and fight the current to get us free. Later, during a similar operation I was sucked under the canoe while E K and the O-spring were still aboard and became a speed bump after I loosed it – then the current popped me back up above the surface, but still had hold of me and I tumbled over rocks for several feet until I could get a handhold. Of course, E K and the O-spring were now 300 yards down the river and I had to walk the rocks to get to them. There was plenty more, actually, but this blog is already over 1000 words, so I need to give it a bit of a rest… Instead, what I will try to do is recount our adventure through rewriting C. W.’s tune…

Meramec River

It was daylight on the river but we weren’t having any fun
And we couldn’t find our cooler cups no more
But we felt the boilin’ current and the spring was runnin’ cold
As we headed down the river two plus four
And the rocks were kickin’ our asses
On the day we ran the rapids of the Meramec

[Chorus]
And we died a thousand times in that nine miles of hell
The longest day of life we’d ever seen
But we lived to tell the story and we know the story well
Then we ate some dinner at a truck stop

We were four plus two in number when we gathered on the shore
And we loaded up our coolers full of beer
But we summoned up our courage an’ we said we wouldn’t scream
And we ran that rocky river without fear
Yeah, the logs were kickin’ our asses
On the day we ran the rapids of the Meramec

Echoing Shouts:
Steve – Paddle RIGHT!
E K – HANG LEFT!
Mary – WHAT THE FUUUU–
Tammy – GODDAMIT!
Murv – Here, hold my beer…
O-spring – Squeeeeeee!

And we saw a thousand floaters hung up on the snags and logs
As we fought to keep ourselves from their fate
And we saw the bobbing beer cans and we heard the ghostly cries
Of the drunks who ran the river long ago
And the rocks were kickin’ our asses
On the day we ran the rapids of the Meramec

Echoing Shouts:
Steve – Paddle LEFT!
E K – SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE!
Mary – STOP SINGING!!
Tammy – GODDAMIT!
Murv – Here, hold my beer…
O-spring – Squeeeeeee!
Steve – Whatever…
Mary – Dammit, Steve!
E K – Those assholes just threw trash in the river!
Tammy – GODDAMMIT!
Murv – (clunk clunk) … I’m okay… I think…Gimme a beer…
O-Spring – Squeeeeee!

Now the memories are swirlin’ down the campground shower drains
But the waters of the Meramec flow like tears
And the rocks and snags and crashes will be a long remembered tale
To be told around the campfires through the years
Yeah, the rocks were tryin’ to kill us
On the day we ran the rapids of the Meramec

[Chorus]
And we died a thousand times in that nine miles of hell
The longest day of life we’d ever seen
But we lived to tell the story and we know the story well
Then we ate some dinner at a truck stop

Echoing Shouts:
Steve – Paddle RIGHT… NO, LEFT!
E K – O-spring, give me the paddle!
Mary – I can’t bend my knee…
Tammy – GODDAMIT!
Murv – We should have brought Scotch…
O-spring – Squeeeeeee!
Steve – Lookit that fish…
Mary – How does our canoe look?
E K – Look, Mary, a snake…
Mary – (SCREAM)
Tammy – GODDAMMIT!
Murv – There’s a blog in this…
O-Spring – Here, hold my Gatorade…

Fade out

And there you have it. We made it home alive… Late. We’re bruised and battered and sore and blood was shed (I’m not kidding)…

Funny thing is, I have a physical tomorrow. Before you ask, there’s nothing wrong. It’s just a “coming up on 50,000 mile” service check sort of thing. I suspect the doc won’t even mention the bruises and scrapes. He’s used to seeing me after E K has been “in a mood”…

More to come…

Murv

So… Just got back from a family vacation. E K and I haven’t taken too many of those in recent years… Well… In sorta recent years. You see, it goes like this – After the o-spring was born, vacations weren’t terribly feasible, what with us being “old parents” and not wanting to drag an infant, then toddler around on long trips. Besides, have you ever seen how much crap you have to carry around for an infant/toddler?

Then after that, I was spending tons of time away from home on tour, so the last thing I wanted to do was get on the road, or an airplane, to go somewhere. I just wanted to be HOME.

However, as the o-spring has grown older, the economy and changes in the book industry have reduced the amount of touring I do, and other silliness has occurred, over the last few years we have started to take family vacations.

Ahhhh… Nice… Relaxing… Well, not always. There’s a lot of hurry up, rush, rush, rush involved in vacationing. However, we definitely try to make it as relaxing as possible.

At any rate, this year we used some vouchers I had picked up from being bumped from flights while on tour, and turned them into a 6 day getaway in The Grand Tetons and Yellowstone National Park. In the coming weeks I’ll be posting pics and detailing some of the more interesting – and sometimes funny – moments of our adventure. However, for now I am going to relate to you a few links of places we visited, and my “Twitter Travelogue” for those of you who might not follow me there or on Facebook (also because some of the texted tweets never made it to the web due to cell phone issues)… At any rate, the following is captured from my cell phone (note – the embedded links will take you to info or websites about specific locations, etc):

At cattle yard waiting for jet-propelled, wing-ed semi. Skipped breakfast. Dunkin’ Donuts in my very near future. 😀 6:53 AM  6/12

Dead pig croissant installed. Mmm good… Coffee being installed NOW… 7:16 AM  6/12

In airplane, everybody can hear you sneeze… 10:07 AM  6/12

On ground Salt Lake City. 3 hour layover. Was going to shop for an extra wife, but E K said NO.  10:12 AM  6/12

Squatters “Captain Bastard’s” Oatmeal Stout… A. Loots should be JEALOUS! 10:50 AM  6/12

Squatters Pub at Salt Lake City Airport… Mentos would love this place… 11:38 AM  6/12

Longest leg of flight, small airplane. Shortest leg (under 1 hour), big
airplane. E’splain that one, Rucy… O_o  12:35 PM  6/12

There’s a bookstore next to my gate. I wonder if they have anything by that Sellars guy? 12:51  6/12

Onboard cattle car. The “Loud” FAMILY seated behind me. :-< 1:25 PM 6/12

 

Beefalumps and mountains EVERYWHERE! I don’t think I’m in Missouri anymore.  12:01 PM  6/13

Sorry for the lack of updates. They took me up into the mountains last night, but this morning I es-cop-ayed! 12:15 6/13

I’m like wayyy closer to the clouds than normal… It’s kinda spooky… 12:21 PM 6/13

Whooa! I think I just saw a whole mess of those airplane eating cloud monsters from the Shatner Twilight Zone episode… 12:25 PM  6/13

Fellow authors, research note: a chase scene inside Jackson Hole airport in Wyoming probably won’t work. Too small. 12:43 6/13

Mucho excellent lunch at Snake River Brewing Pub. www.snakeriverbrewing.com. Killer fish & chips and an excellent black & tan! 2:26 PM  6/13

In Wyoming lookin’ for a liquor store… 2:39 PM 6/13

Shades of an adventure movie, Batman! I’m riding a funicular tram! 3:02 PM  6/13

On tram. Trapped at top in thunder-sleet storm because of lightning. No sh*t. How cool is this! 3:19 PM 6/13

Back down off the mountain. Hammered a Red Bull. Heading for Moose… Town or mammal, not sure which… 4:23 PM  6/13

What happens when two unstable air masses collide in the mountains? Pretty much the same thing that happens at sea level, only way colder 6:23 AM 6/14

“The Mask” 2011 – A vacationing author’s CPAP mask disassembles itself in the middle of the night. Hilarity ensues. (R) Language  6:40 AM  6/14

Rafted the Snake River with a philosopher named Steve. His advice: It’s all about the unknowns. Embrace yours… 1:05 PM  6/14

Following the advice of the great Snake River Philosopher Steve, I am now ascending Signal Mountain. In a car. I’m not crazy ya’know… 4:46 PM 6/14

Made pretty pictures of mountains. Played hide ‘n seek with ground “skwirlz.” Now having a Starbucks DS from the Gen Store. 7:36 PM 6/14

Ate Elk. Drank Scotch & Irish coffee. Visited with rather large Grizzly bear & took his picture. AMAZING sunset over Tetons. Pics taken. Bed 10:00 PM 6/14

Blue sky over the Tetons this morning. AWESOME view! On tap – Breakfast, hike, lunch, then North into Yellowstone… 7:26 AM  6/15

Please excuse the odd timing of updates. Cell service has been dicey, and my phone just empties the outbox whenever it gets a signal… 😐 7:31 AM 6/15

At Jenny Lake. Forest is here too… JEH-NAYYY! 10:59 AM 6/15

Yes. Bears DO poop in the woods. 11:00 AM 6/15

Yellow-bellied Marmot, ain’t askeered. Moose on path, no “skwirl” though… 12:56 PM 6/15

Gal in miniskirt & heels (not E K) on mountain hike. That’s dedication… 1:46 PM 6/15 (FYI – this was NOT a joke tweet…)

I forgot. Here in the valley, curvature of the Great Divide prevents my text signal from reaching you. You’ll have to entertain yourselves 10:00 PM  6/15

Running Bear Pancake House, West Yellowstone, MT – Too much food, even for a fat guy like me. Tell ’em Missouri Merp sent you… 7:32 AM  6/16

In a big country, la la la la-la. Montana… If your sky is missing, they probably have it… 12:00 6/16

Contrary to rumor, I have NOT been eaten by a bear. Bison, however, could be a different story… 12:00 6/16

 

Egg beater into Salt Lake all good. Now flight home overbooked. Not this time,  Delta. No effin’ way… 7:35 PM  6/17

On ground STL… 12:13 AM  6/18

So there you go… Vacation via Twitter. Details and pics coming soon…

More to come…

Murv