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  • We’re Off To See The Blizzard…

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    If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….

    Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.

    So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:

    @mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.


    @mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?


    @mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?

    @flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.

    @mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?

    @flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    @flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.

    @mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.


    @flight_attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.


    @mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.


    @mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?

    @flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.


    @mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.


    @mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!


    @mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.

    @mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!

    @mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.

    @mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.


    @mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.

    @mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.

    @mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.

    @mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!

    @mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.


    @mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.


    @mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.


    @mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.


    @Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?

    @mrsellars – no ma’am.

    @Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?

    @mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.

    @Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.

    @mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.


    @Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…

    @Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…

    @mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.


    @mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.

    @mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…


    @mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.

    @mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…

    @mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…


    @mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.


    @mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.


    @mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.

    @mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.

    @mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.

    @mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.


    @mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.

    @mrsellars – Srsly?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.

    @mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.


    @cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…

    @mrsellars – Hello?

    @EK – Hi.

    [Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]


    @mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.

    @mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…

    @mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.


    @mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.


    @mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.


    @mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…

    @mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…


    @mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.


    @mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]


    @mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}


    @mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…


    @mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)


    @mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.


    @mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.


    @passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.

    @passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?

    @passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.

    @passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?

    @mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…


    @Flight_Attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.

    @Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?

    @mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?

    @Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…

    More to come…

    Murv