BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So… A week or so back I posted a quick blog entitled Q&A: In That Order, or something of that sort… Who knows for sure. I don’t even pay attention to me anymore.

At any rate, I said I would answer questions in a blog entry for the 15th, so here it is. I also said I’d wait until the 12th for all the questions. Then I realized I was leaving town at Oh-Dark-Thirty on the 12th and wouldn’t have a chance to see those questions. Well, doesn’t seem like I had to worry. As I said, I don’t pay attention to me anymore, and it seems not many folks out in the blog-o-sphere do either. What I mean is, I got a few questions right off the bat, and only a couple of those were actually serious. But, after that, not so many views of the post. That seems to be the case across the board.

I guess that means folks are becoming bored across the board. With me at least.

Again, who knows…

Anywho, as promised, here are the questions and answers. If you have more, feel free to leave them, and maybe I will answer. Or, maybe I’ll ignore them.

Again, who knows…

• kat says:

  May 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm

  i have been curious for awhile. i am a fan of long hair, my spouse has long hair my stepson and myself also. so…did you set a milestone for yourself? when you cut your hair i mean! ty if you answer!

Heya, Kat… There wasn’t an actual milestone. I’ve had, or did have, long hair since high school. I had some short periods in there, but for twenty-odd years my hair was long, and for most of that, long enough that it was in a fairly substantial ponytail. Then, one day after being “off the road” for a couple of months I had to pack my suitcase so that I could hop onto a big, winged rocket-propelled cattle car, and head off to a foreign land (read: not home) to do a gig. As I stood there looking at all of the stuff I was cramming into my suitcase it dawned on me that I was packing around an awful lot of “hair product,” so to speak. Too much.

Basically it came down to the fact that hair care was taking over my suitcase. I decided it would be way easier to manage, and to pack for, if I had shorter hair. So, I did the only thing I could do. I asked The Redhead. Why? Because I once shaved off my beard without her permission and I still have scars from that incident.

Anywho, Her Supreme Evilness said, “Yeah. I think you are due for a change.”

I said, “My fans will probably be upset.”

To which she replied, “Who do you live with, your fans or ME.”

And so, I got a haircut. Just as an aside, the 16 or so inches of hair went to Locks of Love…

• Gina says:

  May 30, 2011 at 7:38 pm

  So if the book you just finished writing is “In the Bleak Midwinter,” featuring Constance Mandalay…. whatcha got cooking that is due in December? Thrilled we’re gonna get two M.R. Sellars books in such a short period of time!

Writing for a smaller press has advantages and disadvantages. Mostly advantages, but among the disadvantages is that my deadlines are tighter since they move through the editorial process quicker. What that means is that instead of turning in a manuscript and seeing it on the shelves 8-12 months later, it is usually more like 3-6. Sometimes faster if I’ve had to ask for an extension on my deadline.

So… With ITBM in the can, what is next on my plate is finishing up #11 in the RGI series, which I had already been writing when I took the break to do ITBM. Once I finish that, I will be hopping on board the Constance train again, as the publisher has already asked for two more in the Constance Mandalay series.

• Tasialue says:

  May 30, 2011 at 7:38 pm

  So, was Uncle Fred secretly working FOR the government, field testing plague serums on unsuspecting homeless folks? ‘Cause I think he was…

For those who may have never attended my “Magickal Ethics” workshop, “Uncle Fred” plays a big role in a “Kobyashi Maru” no-win scenario I present to the class. The point behind the scenario is not to see if you can pull a Kirk and cheat your way out of it. The point is to present you with a situation that makes you think. The idea being that if you leave the workshop looking for aspirin, then I have done my job to make you think about ethics and how they apply to our everyday lives. Note I said, “make YOU think.” I’ve already done plenty of that on the subject, hence the workshop. The idea is for YOU to have the headache, not ME. However, as you can see, Ms. Tasialue didn’t get a headache. She is just being a headache.

That said… No. He wasn’t. It’s all just a Fig Newton of your imagination.

• Schueyman says:

  May 31, 2011 at 10:17 pm

  What do you call that place on the inside of your arm where your elbow bends? And what about the corresponding area behind your knee?

Antecubital fossa and popliteal fossa, respectively. Neither of these are any relation to Dian Fossa or Bob Fossa. Nor are they related to Dian Fossey or Bob Fossey, just so we’re clear.

(Thanks to my friend Doctor Gina Witt for the anatomical info…)

• Schueyman says:

  May 31, 2011 at 10:18 pm

  Why is there air?

Per Doc Witt – So you won’t collapse due to not having something expanding your skin.

However, as I’ve known you, Mister Schueyman, for thirty-odd years, I highly suspect the answer you are looking for is:

“To blow up volleyballs. Any PhysEd major knows that…”

• dee says:June 1, 2011 at 10:49 pmWhat, is your name?
  What, is your quest?
  What, is the average airspeed of a cocoanut-laden swallow?

Lord Stainless Steel Thundermonkey.

To do everything in my power to please The Evil Redhead.

African or European?

There you go…

More to come…

Murv

Eighteen year old girls can be a lot of fun.

Okay… Let me stop you right there you dirty minded monkeys. That is NOT what I am talking about. I am talking about being an uncle to a niece who just turned eighteen and the hilarity that can ensue at a family gathering… Especially when said uncle makes his living with words, and moreover, he’s me. (Hey, nobody else was patting me on the back, so I have to do it myself…)

At any rate, we just had a family gathering to celebrate the “fourth quarter birthdays.” We used to do a separate party for each, but as the family grew – and aged – it became hard to schedule multiple gatherings each month and still have time for things such as, oh, I dunno… Work. Sleep. Grocery shopping… you know. Extracurricular activities of a sort. I know that makes us a bit selfish, but it’s just one of those things…

But, back to the story. Among the fourth quarter birthdays is that of one of my nieces, and as we have already established, she recently hit the “Big One Eight.” Of age to vote, sign legal documents, etc.

How did she celebrate this milestone? I mean, besides the family gathering, of course.

She went out and had a hole poked into the side of her nose.

Now, for the record, I don’t give a flying rat’s arse about that. I see more folks with metal in their faces than you can shake a stick at – and I mean a really big stick. Seriously.

Now, to be honest, I don’t find it attractive at all. In fact, I find it more than just a bit silly and a whole lot stupid. But by the same token, it ain’t my face, so whatever trips your trigger. I’m not about to think any less of you for it, because truth is we all have our moments of stupid.

Let me repeat – if you want to impale yourself with ornamental finials and tie tacks, go right ahead. Whether or not I think it is stupid has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not I like you, will hang out with you, or will perform CPR if you are in distress. What I’m saying here is keep your hate mail to yourself. I am not discriminating against you, nor am I being intolerant of you, nor am I repressing you because I think it is stupid to poke holes in your face. I am simply expressing my feelings on the subject, just as you are doing the same by walking around with a diaper pin through your lip and a key fob sticking out of your eyebrow.

However… If you happen to be my niece and you show up at a family gathering with a hunk of metal sticking out of the side of your face, you should expect repercussions. I cite the following –

Merpizm 11/21/10: “If you say something stupid, I’m going to make fun of you. I expect no less when the roles are reversed.”

~ M. R. Sellars

The above quote also applies to DOING as well as saying…

And so, my dear niece arrived at the party. I had already heard that she experienced much disappointment in the fact that her Grandparents – and even her parents – had eschewed comment on her proboscis bauble. Since she, like all of my other nieces and nephews, is a pretty cool kid, I felt bad for her, in a sarcastic uncle sort of way, of course.

Merp – Hey… Niece… C’mere for a sec.

Niece – What?

Merp – [cocking head to the side for a better view] You set off metal detectors with that thing?

Niece – Yeah… Right… Very funny, uncle Murv.

Merp – So… How’d it happen?

Niece – What do you mean?

Merp – Horrible explosion at the jewelry counter and you didn’t duck soon enough? Or did you just fall on it or something?

Niece – It didn’t “happen.”

Merp – You mean you did it on purpose?

Niece – Yeah. It’s how I celebrated my birthday.

Merp – Really? I ate lasagna and cake to celebrate my eighteenth. I didn’t poke holes in my face.

Niece – I didn’t poke holes in my face.

Merp – Ummm… I hate to tell you this but you have a hole in the side of your nose. That’s part of your face.

Niece – I mean I didn’t do it myself. I had a professional do it.

Merp – A professional… You mean you paid someone to poke a hole in your face?

Niece – Yes.

Merp – Seriously? How much it cost you?

Niece – [pulling back hair to show something akin to Trigger’s horseshoe sticking out of the top of her ear] Well, for the cartilage piercing and the nose  piercing it was fifty bucks.

Merp – Wait… You willingly had TWO holes poked in your head in order to celebrate your birthday?

Niece – Yeah.

Merp – And you paid someone fifty bucks to do it?

Niece – Yeah.

Merp – I wish you’d called me first. I’ve got a hole punch at home and I would’ve done it for free.

Niece – [Laughs]

Merp – Really. In fact, I’ve got a three hole punch. I would’ve done three all at once, no charge. I even would’ve sterilized it first.

Niece – Yeah… right. These holes are smaller.

Merp – [Shrugs] No problem. I’ve got a stapler too. Next time you want to put a hole in your face let me know. I’ll bring it along.

Niece – Funny. Right now I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.

Merp – Really. Now you want someone to draw on you with a motorized needle?

Niece – Maybe.

Niece’s Mom – Where are you wanting to get this tattoo?

Niece – On my foot.

Merp – What’re you gonna get?

Niece – I don’t know yet.

Merp – Well, if you’re gonna get it on your foot, have ’em put Rue Britannia on the bottom of your foot and call it good.

Niece – Why?

Merp – So you can be just like Bullwinkle.

Niece – Bull who?

Merp – Bullwinkle. You know, Rocky. Bullwinkle. Moose and squirrel. Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat…

Niece – What?

Merp – You don’t know who Rocky and Bullwinkle are?

Niece – I’m only eighteen.

Merp – If you’re old enough to go out and have a hole poked in your face, you’re old enough to know who Rocky and Bullwinkle are.

Niece – [Redirecting] It would hurt to get a tattoo on the bottom of your foot.

Merp – Sugar, I’m here to tell you it’s gonna hurt no matter where you get it…

Niece – [Sigh] You know, it’s just an earring.

Merp – What is?

Niece – [pointing at gas cap on the side of her nose] This.

Merp – Oh… Honey… You must’ve missed a biology class. That’s your nose, not your ear.

Niece – You know what I mean…

Merp – I think maybe your stupid hasn’t worn off yet.

Niece – What stupid?

Merp – The one that overtook your brain when you willingly paid someone  to stab holes in your face.

Niece – They didn’t stab holes in my face. They used a needle.

Merp – Okay. So did you have to shove a cork up your nose for them to push it into?

Niece – They didn’t use a cork.

Merp – Well how in the world did you fit an apple up there?

Niece – [Attempting to remain indignantly eighteen but her  “OMG Uncle Murv” sigh is overcome by her own laughter]

Merp – Did they give you an instruction guide booklet with that thing?

Niece – No.

Merp – No? Well what happens if you get a booger caught up in there? How do you know what to do?

Niece – I sneeze.

Merp – Then I guess if someone is sitting on your right they should duck so you don’t shoot their eye out if that thing flies outta the side of your nose, huh?

Niece – The post is at a right angle.

Merp – Pointing up or down?

Niece – Up.

Merp – Well there you go. That just makes it easier for boogers to get caught on it.

Niece – I have a friend who has one. I’ll just ask her.

Merp – A booger?

Niece – A nose ring.

Merp – I really think you should go back and ask for the instruction guide booklet. I mean, you paid fifty bucks and all…

I could go on, but I’m already over one-thousand on the word count, and I’ve heard that shorter blogs are “in” these days. Suffice it to say, the razzing went on for better than an hour while her younger sister sat and listened. After all that I’m pretty sure we won’t have to worry about her setting off any metal detectors when she hits eighteen. Not at any family gatherings where Uncle Murv is present, anyway…

More to come…

Murv