BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…Or am I just happy to see you?

Remember your childhood? No… Not back that far. No need for poopy diapers around here. I fling enough poo for all of us.

I mean like back when you were about 8 to 10… Maybe slightly younger, but not too much. You know, kind of like around the age of kids in those sub sandwich commercials where they have all the adults running around but they have little kid kinda voices…

You haven’t seen those? Well damn… They’re actually kinda funny…

Hmmm… Well just stick with me here and maybe we can work this out.

Back when you were a kid, around 8 to 10, did your parents ever say, “Come on, Rusty (or whatever they called you). We’re going for a ride.” Then, drive for about two hours and eventually boot you out of the car on some lonely country road and then speed off?

Okay, okay so mine didn’t do that to me either.

So, how about this instead: Did they ever hustle you into the car, not telling you where you were going, then listen to you gripe for 20 minutes because you wanted to watch Lassie or The Lone Ranger instead of go somewhere that you didn’t even know where or what it was? And then, after you were really good and bored, and extra grumpy, and were just plain being a kid, they broke the news to you that you were on your way to get a new bike… Or a puppy… Or to see a movie you’d just been dying to see… Or Holiday Hill… Or White Castle… Or swimming… Or any one of a million things that would make a kid go ape-shit excited to the point where they wiggle right out of their Superman Underoos?

Well, unless you had a truly horrible childhood then you probably know what I’m talking about, at least on some level, be it big or small.  If you did have a truly horrible childhood, you have my sympathies…

So anyway, why the hell am I rambling about such inane silliness? Well, you see, sometimes it’s exactly like that for writers. We get started on a manuscript (hustled into the car). We write, and write, and write (gripe and get grouchy because we’d rather be looking at porn… Hey, the other shows have lost their appeal at this point)… and besides, even though the story is good, and the prose we have penned is gripping, the final destination is in the hands of the characters and they haven’t yet given up the secret info…

But then, just like our parents who had tortured us with clandestine car rides only to surprise us with serendipitous banana splits from Velvet Freeze,  our characters choose some arbitrary moment to reveal to us where we are going.

You know, like when we are folding the laundry and ruminating about where to take that next chapter.

And, just like the little kids we were then, we wiggle right out of our  Superman Underoos, giggle, pee ourselves, and get all kinds of cotton candy overload excited.

Yeah… Pretty cool, eh?

So… I guess now that I’ve peed my Superman Underoos I should change. Whaddaya think, Batman or Aquaman?

Of course, there’s always Wonder Woman… But those are really designated for when I’m looking at porn instead of writing…

More to come…

Murv

As you can plainly see I have undertaken a task here. Some of you may be wondering what it is. Others among you just might have it figured out. Here’s a clue – parenthood.

Still not getting it?

Okay, let me make it easier for you. We all want the best for our kids. We want them to have it easier than we had it, to have more with less hardship. Not always a good thing, really, because with hardship comes life lessons we can’t afford to live without. Still, if we can teach those lessons and still make things easier on our kids, we will. In a heartbeat. Unless we are bad parents, but that’s another story.

Therefore, to that end, rather than forcing my daughter to take dictation via a Twitter account in order to make a buck off of the inane ramblings of her old dad, I’m doing it for her. Years from now, when I’m rolling around in a wheelchair and complaining about my daily prune ration, she can be raking in the dough from a sitcom based on my sillicisms…

And so I give you, the daily quote project, first quarter, round two…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

December 2010

Merpizm 12/01/10: “Stupid is highly contagious; however, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot contract it from a toilet seat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/02/10: “Lying, and not telling the truth, are two completely different things. Any fiction author can tell you that.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/03/10: “The longer stupid is left untreated, the harder it is to cure.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/04/10: “The denser an object, the greater its gravitational pull. However, the denser an INDIVIDUAL… Well, not so much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/05/10: “Disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I’m an intolerant ass. It just means I disagree with you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/06/10: “First Law of Desire – Be ready to pay, as you will often find that the price-to-reward ratio is highly disproportionate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/07/10: “If you think my politics aren’t compatible with yours, bear in mind that reverse is likely true as well.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/08/10: “Mirrors won’t reflect how other people see you. For that, you must look at your image in their eyes.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/09/10: “None of my quotes have been profound. Plenty of amateurs find them, but no pros thus far.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/10/10: “Personal Respsonsibility – the concept of ‘owning your sh*t’ includes admitting it whenever you fart in public.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/11/10: “Sometimes you just gotta add some chlorine to the gene pool.” ~ Det. Benjamin Storm (Via MRS)

Merpizm 12/12/10: “It all started when my sibilant disagreed with my fricative. Next thing you know, I bit my tongue and that was the end of it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/13/10: “Learn to accept that some people are idiots and you won’t have to worry about your blood pressure nearly as much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/14/10: “I don’t know about anybody else, (but) When I get on Facebook I quote myself.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/15/10: “As with sex, if you don’t take precautions prior to speaking, you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/16/10: “Why are libraries quiet? Simple. People who read are smart enough to shut up and not let their stupid leak out.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/17/10: “Last night, sleep hit me so hard even the referee kept saying, ‘Don’t get up. Just stay down for the count, dude…'” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/18/10: “I’m not absolutely certain, but I think my liver might have run away from home sometime last night.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/19/10: “You know you’ve had enough to drink when the water in the commode has a foamier head than your beer.” ~ MRS (LKP Day 3)

Merpizm 12/20/10: “It’s okay if you don’t think I’m funny. I don’t think you’re funny either, so we’re even.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/21/10: “There simply isn’t enough coffee to prepare you for what people did on your Facebook wall while you slept.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/22/10: “Don’t ask me questions until you’ve had your coffee. I don’t have time for your stupid this early in the morning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/23/10: “Yes, the 1st amendment DOES give you the right to be stupid. It also gives me the right to point your stupid out to you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/24/10: “My pet peeve is people who think their pet peeve is some kind of universal law to which everyone must capitulate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/25/10: “Trust me. When I want you to take me seriously, you’ll know it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/26/10: “Forget it. If I have to explain it to you, then you aren’t going to appreciate what I said anyway.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/27/10: “Anonymity is like a prescription drug. Beneficial when used properly, but when abused it’s like a steroid for stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/28/10: “First thing every morning I look at pr0n on the internet. If things still react as they should, I know I’m not dead yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/29/10: “Ever notice that if you aren’t wearing your glasses, fugitive coffee beans on the floor look kinda like rat poop?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/30/10: “Hey, if the fortune cookie says I should have another beer, who am I to argue?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/31/10: “Prior to 12/25 a Christmas tree is a festive decoration. After that it’s just a tree inside your house.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv