BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I grew up in an age where we had a little bit of patience. For instance, when we wanted to watch something on TV we actually had to wait for it to be on, and be in front of the TV at the designated time. But what made us even more patient is that we had to turn on the toob an hour ahead of time so that the glass vacuum tubes and Cathode Ray Tube that made it work could warm up. No, I’m not kidding. Well, maybe about the hour part. But if you wanted to watch something you definitely turned on the TV a good five minutes or so ahead of time so that said tubes could get warm and things could come into focus. Especially if it was necessary to adjust the tin foil on the rabbit ears because of the weather or time of year. Again, not kidding.

So, what’s my point here?

I’m not really sure…

Wait… Oh yeah… You see, we had patience and perseverance. We would spend months collecting boxtops from breakfast cereal we absolutely hated but ate anyway all so we could send away for some cheap, plastic decoder ring or some such. The point being, we would bide our time and do what was necessary to get what we wanted.

Not so much now. We live in an instant gratification sort of age. One in which folks want it all, right here, right now, and they don’t want to take time collecting things.

Again, what is my point here?

I have NO f*cking idea. Sorry…

And so, without further rambling from me, here we have the first quarter, round three aggregation of the Daily Merpizms, all in one place so that you don’t have to spend time collecting them daily.

Bazzinga.

The Whizzdom Of Merp

January 2011

Merpizm 01/01/11: “Without exception, everyone has a kink of some sort. Most are just too embarrassed to admit it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/02/11: “No matter how many times you explain satire, some people will just never get it. Facebook wall comments prove this.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/03/11: “If the bastards somehow manage to get you down, just break their kneecaps and level the playing field.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/04/11: “Sadly, there are some days that even Dangerously Delicious Coffee can’t fix.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/05/11: “Being too smart for your own good means you’ve basically come almost full circle and are right back at stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/06/11: “Nothing wakes you up and gets your blood moving quite like a clock falling off the wall at 3:17 AM.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/07/11: “There is a huge difference between acute stupidity and chronic stupidity.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/08/11: “Not everyone is chronically stupid. But those who are seem to think they speak for everyone.” ~ MRS

BONUS Merpizm 01/08/11: “We now know the answer to the age old question, ‘where do birds go when they die?’ Arkansas.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/09/11: “Reading the Constitution and actually comprehending what it says are two completely different things.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/10/11: “Drama is the refuge of those who don’t feel as if they are getting enough attention.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/11/11: “Whenever you hear a Witch cackle, it means a monkey just earned its wings.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/12/11: “Listen… Do you hear stupid?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/13/11: “You can always tell that it’s high class porn when it has subtitles.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/14/11: “Personally, I would NEVER want to be correct all of the time. That’s just too much responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/15/11: “Religion is like the junk drawer on your desk. It’s where you hide the stuff you don’t want to deal with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/16/11: “Trust me. You do NOT want to know what really goes on inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/17/11: “If you don’t want me to make fun of you then stop giving me so much material to work with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/18/11: “If you do a stupid, just own it and move on. It’s like Mr. Miyagi’s Crane Technique for personal responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/19/11: “When you assume you make and ASS out of U and U alone, because YOU did the stupid, NOT ME.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/20/11: “I really don’t care which way the toilet paper hangs, as long as the roll isn’t empty.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/21/11: “Whenever you start feeling TOO proud of yourself, remember – you are NOT as brilliant as you imagine.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/22/11: “I’m much funnier than most people realize. You just have to bring yourself down to my level. Drinking helps.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/23/11: “We could solve a lot of environmental problems with methane
powered vehicles and a steady diet of Navy beans.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/24/11: “No matter how hard I try, I still can’t find any Internet porn that’s as good as the porn inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/25/11: “I do what my wife says. It’s safer for me that way.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/26/11: “If you aren’t happy with who you are, change. Just don’t turn into an asshole, because I’ve got dibs on that one.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/27/11: “There’s a time and place for everything, but it’s not here and not now, so find someplace else to be stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/28/11: “March to your own drummer, but keep the volume down and don’t expect everyone else to like the same beat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/29/11: “Real experts are those who, while dubbed experts by their peers, readily admit that they will never stop learning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/30/11: “Before assigning blame, you should first check to see how much of it you spilled on your own shirt.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/31/11: “It takes approximately 72 muscles to speak. It takes ZERO to stop and think before you give those 72 a workout.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv

As you can plainly see I have undertaken a task here. Some of you may be wondering what it is. Others among you just might have it figured out. Here’s a clue – parenthood.

Still not getting it?

Okay, let me make it easier for you. We all want the best for our kids. We want them to have it easier than we had it, to have more with less hardship. Not always a good thing, really, because with hardship comes life lessons we can’t afford to live without. Still, if we can teach those lessons and still make things easier on our kids, we will. In a heartbeat. Unless we are bad parents, but that’s another story.

Therefore, to that end, rather than forcing my daughter to take dictation via a Twitter account in order to make a buck off of the inane ramblings of her old dad, I’m doing it for her. Years from now, when I’m rolling around in a wheelchair and complaining about my daily prune ration, she can be raking in the dough from a sitcom based on my sillicisms…

And so I give you, the daily quote project, first quarter, round two…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

December 2010

Merpizm 12/01/10: “Stupid is highly contagious; however, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot contract it from a toilet seat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/02/10: “Lying, and not telling the truth, are two completely different things. Any fiction author can tell you that.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/03/10: “The longer stupid is left untreated, the harder it is to cure.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/04/10: “The denser an object, the greater its gravitational pull. However, the denser an INDIVIDUAL… Well, not so much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/05/10: “Disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I’m an intolerant ass. It just means I disagree with you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/06/10: “First Law of Desire – Be ready to pay, as you will often find that the price-to-reward ratio is highly disproportionate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/07/10: “If you think my politics aren’t compatible with yours, bear in mind that reverse is likely true as well.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/08/10: “Mirrors won’t reflect how other people see you. For that, you must look at your image in their eyes.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/09/10: “None of my quotes have been profound. Plenty of amateurs find them, but no pros thus far.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/10/10: “Personal Respsonsibility – the concept of ‘owning your sh*t’ includes admitting it whenever you fart in public.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/11/10: “Sometimes you just gotta add some chlorine to the gene pool.” ~ Det. Benjamin Storm (Via MRS)

Merpizm 12/12/10: “It all started when my sibilant disagreed with my fricative. Next thing you know, I bit my tongue and that was the end of it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/13/10: “Learn to accept that some people are idiots and you won’t have to worry about your blood pressure nearly as much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/14/10: “I don’t know about anybody else, (but) When I get on Facebook I quote myself.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/15/10: “As with sex, if you don’t take precautions prior to speaking, you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/16/10: “Why are libraries quiet? Simple. People who read are smart enough to shut up and not let their stupid leak out.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/17/10: “Last night, sleep hit me so hard even the referee kept saying, ‘Don’t get up. Just stay down for the count, dude…'” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/18/10: “I’m not absolutely certain, but I think my liver might have run away from home sometime last night.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/19/10: “You know you’ve had enough to drink when the water in the commode has a foamier head than your beer.” ~ MRS (LKP Day 3)

Merpizm 12/20/10: “It’s okay if you don’t think I’m funny. I don’t think you’re funny either, so we’re even.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/21/10: “There simply isn’t enough coffee to prepare you for what people did on your Facebook wall while you slept.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/22/10: “Don’t ask me questions until you’ve had your coffee. I don’t have time for your stupid this early in the morning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/23/10: “Yes, the 1st amendment DOES give you the right to be stupid. It also gives me the right to point your stupid out to you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/24/10: “My pet peeve is people who think their pet peeve is some kind of universal law to which everyone must capitulate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/25/10: “Trust me. When I want you to take me seriously, you’ll know it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/26/10: “Forget it. If I have to explain it to you, then you aren’t going to appreciate what I said anyway.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/27/10: “Anonymity is like a prescription drug. Beneficial when used properly, but when abused it’s like a steroid for stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/28/10: “First thing every morning I look at pr0n on the internet. If things still react as they should, I know I’m not dead yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/29/10: “Ever notice that if you aren’t wearing your glasses, fugitive coffee beans on the floor look kinda like rat poop?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/30/10: “Hey, if the fortune cookie says I should have another beer, who am I to argue?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/31/10: “Prior to 12/25 a Christmas tree is a festive decoration. After that it’s just a tree inside your house.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv