BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

In a little over a month, I will be 50.

Yay. Half century. Big 5-0. Surfboards, waves, syncopated Polynesian Hippie Music. Book ’em, Dano…

Actually, I’m sort of excited about it. After all, 50 is technically the new 30. Life should be just really starting to get interesting for me. Not that The Redhead hasn’t made it plenty interesting all along…

At any rate, one of the reasons 50 is the new 30 is advances in medical science, up to and including early detection of disease so that it can be treated before it REALLY gets to be a problem. Therefore, when you hit 50 the first thing the doctor tells you after pulling his hand out of your a$$ – prostate exam, folks… prostate exam… – is that you need something ELSE jammed into your bung hole, that being a 3d Imax Camera.

Okay, so maybe not a 3d Imax Camera. More like a  camera on a rope…

And so, you make your appointment to have a colonoscopy. This is important shit right here, no pun intended. Colon cancer isn’t pretty, and this is the sort of thing that can save your life. However, Dave Barry beat me to the punch on the whole Intestine Spelunking Blog… And Harry Smith had his done live on national TV. I offered to live stream mine on Facebook, but my fans said no. They are more than happy to read one of my books about a serial killer doing truly horrible things to a victim or two, but when it comes to poop they get a little squeamish. Go figure…

But anyway… Or should that be Butt Anyway? No matter, the real deal is that it’s been done. The benefits of having a colonoscopy have been espoused by much bigger names than me, so I’m not about to be a copycat.

I am, however, about to throw down a major bitch about this whole thing… You see, in order to properly film the poop canal it must first be free of poop. Makes a certain sort of sense. I mean, that way the Doctor doesn’t have to keep telling Mister Hanky to move out of the way so he can see, right? And so, in order to do this they write you a prescription for Colon Blow… Okay, so that’s just what I call it. In point of fact it is “Suprep: Bowel Prep Kit.”

Cool, eh? I mean just look at it. A box of awesome. Make you clean as a whistle, it will. But wait… There’s more…

Here’s the bill.

Yes… You read it correctly. $71.43… AFTER the insurance kicked in a twenty. Without insurance it would have been $93.09…

Yeah… For some stuff to make me shit my brains out and feel completely miserable for about 18 hours. Okay… it’s medical progress. It’s the sort of thing that can save my life. Of course, I won’t have any money to live on, so I might as well be dead, but hey, what the hell.

Here’s the rub… For less than 20 bucks I could pick up a box of Dulcolax and two bottles of Citrate of Magnesium, and it would do EXACTLY the same thing. I know this because I’ve been down this road before, plus I verified it with my buddy Dr. Gina, who is, in point of fact, a real doctor, not just one on TV.

So here’s my thing… To celebrate my 50K Exhaust System Check I am pretty much flushing about 75 bucks down the toilet.

But what the hell… You only turn 50 once… Since my ass is getting raped, I guess my wallet should, too…

More to come…

Murv

There is an old adage, which basically states: If you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves.

This is a pretty good deal. It keeps your hands clean and effectively rids you of the annoyances associated with getting a suitable hood for the person, finding a sturdy tree, and even borrowing a horse if you don’t happen to have one.

Yesterday, I posted a blog about my wonderful publicist. How he, of his own volition, brought me a “care package” of some of my favorite comfort foods because he knows I am on a deadline.

Over the past few days, after me trying to be the good brother and set up come creature comforts for Morrison and Madden later this year– behind the scenes, mind you– Madden took it upon herself to make these things public. Of course, in doing so, I became the whipping boy (not that this is particularly unusual, but I’d grown accustomed to not being flogged in public since it hadn’t happened in a while. Guess I just got complacent…My bad.)

At any rate, today, Madden has once again seen fit to post not ONE, but TWO blogs tossing sour grapes in my direction. Why? Because my publicist did something nice for me, and I thanked him and sang his praises in my blog .

Hence, give someone enough rope, they’ll hang themselves. Madden has just proven out her “Divaness” by being jealous and going on and on about it…

Poor Bird Lady… I guess all those feathers have finally gotten to her.

More to come…

Murv

PS. For those of you who might not know this– These tit for tat blogs between Dorothy, Kristin, and me are all in fun. We actually had someone think we were serious some time ago, and I don’t want that happening again. We are all incredibly good friends, and we are merely picking at one another for fun.