BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Usually when you find me talking about SPAM, I’m babbling (and drooling) about my favorite pressed, canned, pork leavin’s. That lovely ham-like, mystery protein that can be found in any market, lasts a little bit of forever, and is considered a near delicacy in Howarya (Hawaii).

I’ve never really had a desire to visit that little cluster of islands, to be honest, however, I do happen to like pineapple, coconut, and SPAM, so maybe I should give it a go sometime…

But, I digress…

This particular time I am not here to drool about food. I’m actually going to talk about what everyone under the age of 30 thinks of when they hear the word SPAM… Yes. Unwanted email solicitations from somewhere out in the ether.

Having spent many years as an Internet Systems Admin for an ISP, I am intimately familiar with the electronic version of SPAM. Of course, even if I hadn’t had such a job I’d still be familiar with the stuff because anyone with an email account is deluged with it daily. SPAM filters try their best to weed it out, but the crafty little beggars behind SPAM weasel their way around the virtual assassins whenever possible.

Now, the thing is I can actually understand SPAM to some extent. It’s just like junk mail that shows up in your mailbox in front of your house. Stuff addressed to Resident, or Occupant… You know, the things you give to the 4 year old who is desperate to receive some mail just like mommy and daddy. The thing about said SPAM/Junk Mail, however, is that it has an overarching purpose. It is trying to sell you something.

Siding…

Windows…

A really bitchin’ set of shelf speakers…

An amazing device that when attached to an average canister vacuum will ionize (or deionize, whichever is necessary) the air in your home automatically, making it smell springtime fresh and adding 10 years to your life…

Know what I mean? It gives you a sales pitch, pretty pictures, and an order blank… Sometimes even a coupon for 50% off on orders of two or more.

Over the years, the electronic cousin of Junk Mail, that being SPAM, has done the same thing, albeit for different products. In the case of email junk I am usually getting an offer for a Russian Bride, a breast enlargement, Acai Berry Juice, or Generic Viagra.

Annoying, yes. I mean, after all, E K would kill me if I brought home a Russian Bride (not to mention the bigamy consequences)…

I don’t need a breast enlargement – (hell, I had gynecomastia reduction surgery a few years ago, so why would I want to reverse it? I’m not made of money, ya’know, and besides, it hurt like hell… And not the good kind of hurt either if you know what I mean – wink wink nudge nudge- Even E K felt sorry for me.)

I can get Acai Berry at the supermarket. It even comes mixed with Apple Sauce – how cool is that? AND, I have coupons…

Finally, Wee Willie Winky has no trouble saluting whenever instructed to do so by the Evil Redhead. At least, at this point in my life he doesn’t. E K sees to that, thank you very much… But, if I end up needing the little blue pill later down the road, I will consult my physician and go see my local pharmacist.

Still, as annoying as it is, it all makes sense. Color pictures, provocative wording, and even coupons… It’s a sales tactic… It’s direct marketing.

I get it… Really, I do.

Or I did, up until just the other day. I think maybe this has something to do with the SPAMmers tactics in order to get around the filters, but here’s the thing – if the SPAM doesn’t make any sense, what good is it?

For example, the particular email that showed up in my inbox the other day and proceeded to spark this particular missive is as follows:

Subject:  AAA Christian sex Premature Ejaculation Cure

Body:  A Christian sex Premature Ejaculation Cukrre www. via65. com.
When Aliens tAtack Pormotional Trailer

This was followed by another email:

Subject:  Female Orgasms From a Woman - 11 Thing She Does When You
Are Not Lookiing

Body:  Female Orgasms From a Woman -- 1 Thilng She Does When You
Are Not Looking
www. via65. com. Woman Trying to Cheecat on Drug Test Asks Clerk to
Microwave Prosthetic penis Device

Can any of you tell me what I’m supposed to be buying here? I mean, I sure as hell have no clue…

Oh well, I guess it’s just one of those things, and I’ll just have to accept it.

Besides, I’m already late for my Christian Drug Test at the theater where they are showing the promotional trailer for the new Alien Attack movie, and I still have to microwave my prosthetic penis device, otherwise I won’t be able to prematurely ejaculate on the cheat sheet when the clerk isn’t looking.

You know… I think I’ll go make myself a Spam Sammich…

More to come…

Murv

…Is probably SMEAT.

I bet you thought I was going to say TREET, didn’t you? Well, if it comes to the actual product, yeah, TREET is likely to be what you’ll find in my cupboard. As I’ve pointed out before, I can pick up TREET for 99¢ at the local supermarket, whereas its almost identical cousin SPAM is more along the line of 3 bucks. It doesn’t take Professor Eppes from Numbers to do that math. Hell, I can even do it without taking off my shoes and socks.

But, let’s get back to SMEAT.

You see, when you create a work of fiction, grey areas of copyright law such as “Fair Use” don’t apply. What this means is, you can’t quote song lyrics without permission, and it’s a really, really bad idea to use trademarked brand names without permission. Unfortunately, obtaining permission can sometimes – actually, most of the time – be a mission you’d rather not undertake. I managed to luck out and obtain permission from Michael Moorcock, the copyright holder on the lyrics for a particular song performed by Blue Oyster Cult. And, let me tell you, it really was luck. I’ve tried to snag permission to quote lyrics from other artist’s since, and they’ve all either simply not replied, told me no way, or most often immediately replied with “GIMME GIMME A big a$$ chunk of your pie” – (apparently they too think we authors just rake in the cash.) Don’t get me wrong… It’s their intellectual property – or in many cases, belongs to a music licensing firm – but, I’m here to tell you they can be pretty ridiculous when it comes to their expectations regarding payment.

And, music isn’t the only thing we are talking about here. Brand names of products fit into this mix as well. Of course, there are also certain trademarked names that have actually become so pervasive as to end up in our colloquial lexicon, such as “Kleenex”. Give a listen during cold and flu season sometime. Between the sneezes and sniffles, the majority of the sick folk will refer to tissues as “Kleenex”. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. It’s simply something that has become ingrained in our culture – which was what the company was trying to do in the first place. However, since “Kleenex” is trademarked, if a character in a story happens to need a good nose blow, to be on the safe side they should probably use a tissue, not a “Kleenex”… Readers will still know what you are talking about. In fact, for many of them, they will simply think “Kleenex” in place of tissue. It’s one of those Jedi Mind tricks our brains play on us.

But, if you really want to us “Kleenex,” I’m not about to stop you. As I’ve made perfectly clear, I have no intention of telling anyone how to write. Not my place, not my thing.

But, let’s get back to the SMEAT.

You see, unless you are watching a big budget Bond flick, or some other Hollywood advertising vehicle that contains insane amounts of bought and paid for product placement throughout, the props you see on screen aren’t necessarily what you think they are.

Yeah… It’s another one of those Jedi Mind tricks.

You see, you aren’t likely to see SPAM in a movie. What you will see is SMEAT. Of course, had it been me designing the props, I would have called it SMEET – you know, SPAM plus TREET… But, I can see where they were coming from. At any rate, the same thing applies for just about anything else you see on the screen – cans of soup, books, newspapers, etc. None of them are real. They are fabricated to look close enough to an actual product so as to trick your mind into instantly recognizing it. Of course, some of them are simply made to look “real,” but not to necessarily trigger a subliminal connection to an actual product. For instance, the book cover above. For me, “Sky Sluts” doesn’t trigger a connection to an actual book title, nor does the cover art. However, I have to admit, now that I’ve seen it I’m damn curious about what the actual story might be. My guess is that it is fairly weak on plot, substance, character development, and maybe even writing. However, I get the impression it tries to make up for all of that with action.

Now, if you don’t believe me about this whole movie prop thing, I can understand your skepticism, but I’m not making it up. For instance, SMEAT was used in an episode of Millennium, as well as some other movies. Take a close look at soda cans and beer cans in your favorite television shows. At first glance the labels look downright familiar, but if you focus on them for a second, suddenly you get the full picture. In the interim, if you are interested in seeing more, take a surf on over to this web address:

The Earl Hays Press

These are the folks who design and print the “look alike” props you see in movies. They go all out with the details too, because you never know when a closeup might be in order.

Oh, and while you are there make sure you check out the Booze labels. Trust me, you’ll get a laugh.  I mean, it’s not every day you see a bottle of “Snotliknaya” Vodka or “Bar Fly Label” Gin.

Yeah, that’s the real kicker about this stuff. The entire time it is evoking a brand recognition in our subconscious mind, it is also packing tongue in cheek details that are good for a snicker or two…

All I can say is the folks who design these props must have a ball.

More to come…

Murv