BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Disclaimers… We’ve all seen and heard them. We’ve all sat back and wondered at the stupidity of people who sue over hot coffee because they hadn’t been told that the hot coffee was hot. Even worse, the stupidity of the jurors in the trial who saw fit to judge in favor of the idiot who didn’t know hot coffee would be… well… HOT.

Then there are the disclaimers we just sort of wonder about, because otherwise we would just burst into uncontrolled laughter… Of course, sometimes we do anyway… You know the ones I mean. “DO NOT USE IN SHOWER” emblazoned across the label on a portable electric hand mixer, as if I might happen to be mixing up some cake batter while I’m washing my hair. Of course, I suppose there could be all manner of kinky ramifications there, but I don’t want to think about that. It makes me feel all kinds of dirty. Even in the shower.

The thing is, you just KNOW they had to put that on there because some frootloop decided it would be a good idea to attach a Loofah to the beaters and use the mixer as a power exfoliation device in the shower. Hence, the disclaimer. What it should REALLY say is, “We know you’re an idiot, here’s your Darwin Award (Posthumously, of course).”

But then, there are those disclaimers that really are necessary. I mean the kind where a boatload of common sense might get you through, but for a multitude of reasons you cannot depend upon Sherlockian Common Sense to be in play. And, there are even those times when people truly have no clue what to expect, therefore a disclaimer is in order.

That’s why I have several. You can see one of them just to the left beneath my picture. It is there to let you know that this is a satire blog and taking it seriously, unless a particular post is labeled as serious, makes you not particularly savvy. After all, it says it right there…

I should make note, however, that among my disclaimers, none of them say “contents hot.” That would be EKay’s disclaimer, (along with may bite, prone to random acts of beating you severely, failure to bow and worship will result in extreme punishment, etc…) – There IS a “contents MAY be hot” in the footer of the blog, but note that it says MAY BE. It pretty much refers to posts where E K is involved…

But let’s get back to me. After all, it’s my blog, not hers… Well… Okay, I just use it… Don’t tell her I said that it was mine, okay? So… anyway… Among my disclaimers is one that I rattle off at the beginning of every workshop I present while at an event or bookstore. If you’ve ever attended one of my seminars it is highly likely you have heard some version of it. I usually ask who hasn’t heard it, but even if I get no hands raised I recite it anyway. It’s just safer for all involved.

So, just for drill, here is my workshop/seminar disclaimer. If you ever attend one of my workshops – not panels, mind you, those are different (although I sometimes work it in) – you will hear this, or the version of it that is current for that moment…

M. R. SELLARS’ DISCLAIMER

First off, I am a fiction author. This means I lie for a living. It’s what I get paid to do. Think about that… Okay, now that you’ve given it some thought, I’ll explain further – I write FICTION. What this means is that 99% of what I am about to say to you is probably bullshit. I’m making it up as I go along. My one goal here is to entertain you for the next 90 minutes and keep you occupied so that the staff of this event can finish preparing lunch [dinner, setting up XYZ, insert function here]. If you plan on taking notes, feel free. Just know that you are most likely transcribing fiction.

Second – I am irreverent.  I am also foul-mouthed when necessary. I know cuss words in several languages and I am not afraid to use them. In fact, they will sometimes just randomly fall out of my mouth, especially if you startle me. If you think this is going to offend you to the point where it is going to ruin your whole day, do us both a favor- get up and leave now. Regarding those last two points – If you sit through my entire workshop after having heard this disclaimer, then go to the event organizer and complain that I have ruined your whole day, I will find you. I don’t think I need to say anymore. Just know that I will find you. So you need to ask yourself if you really want to take that chance. I mean, after all, I warned you. If you get offended it’s your fault now, not mine. As to getting up and leaving, if you elect to do so AFTER I begin the actual workshop, I will make fun of you. The only exceptions to that rule are true medical emergencies. Needing to take a piss because you drank 14 cups of coffee and didn’t make a pit stop before coming in here does NOT qualify.

Third – I tend to not stand still and I talk with my hands. I will likely be right out in the middle of the crowd with you, as well as bouncing around the stage. This is how I get my exercise.

Fourth – I am an interactive speaker. What this means is that at times during this workshop/seminar, depending upon the topic, I am likely to ask you, as a group, a question. If I do this, I expect an answer. Allow me to clarify – I want the answer now. As in during the actual workshop. I do not want you to go home, ruminate about it for two weeks, and then email me an answer. At that point the workshop is over and it does none of us any good. If you don’t answer me at all, understand that I will just make up some more shit and say that you said it.

Fifth – During the next 90 minutes [120 min, 60 min, ??] I will say things that I personally think are funny. I expect you to think they are funny too. If I say something that I find funny and you don’t laugh, I will repeat it. That is your cue. Be on the lookout for it. Why? Because if you don’t laugh when I repeat it, I will then explain it. Believe me, you do NOT want to get as far as me explaining my jokes.

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, are we all in agreement? If not, this is your chance to leave unscathed…

I realize that there are some folks out there who are going to read this and be highly offended. They are going to think that I am a big asshole, probably because it is hard to impart the comic timing of the verbal delivery of this disclaimer via the written word in a short space like a blog. However, there are people who get offended by it in person too, and storm out of my workshop/seminar space in a huff…

You know what? They weren’t going to find me all that entertaining anyway so it’s just as well. I think that’s why their faces are all pinched up and pouty. Or I supposed it could be that they eschew disclaimers, and they are all pinched up and pouty because they take Preparation H orally…

Either way, I’m sure they’ll be picking up their Darwin Awards soon enough…

More to come…

Murv

Not a day goes by that I don’t say something that belongs on a QUOTE A DAY desk calendar.

Seriously.

Yeah… Okay… So maybe not. However, I do say stuff, and some of it seems sort of quotable. At least, I think it is. My Facebook and Twitter “peeps” have been subjected to my daily musings for some time now. Why? Because the Daily Picture cycle was over and I needed a new “schtick.” Relevant – and often wholly irrelevant – quotes seemed like a good idea. I figure if I keep spewing them long enough I’ll eventually say something that really does belong on a calendar, and once I do, look out. I’ll be the next great philosopher of our age.

Trust me.

I will.

Really.

So anyway, having reached the end of the first quarter, and quotes being a little harder to condense into a 5 minute Youtube presentation than the 365 low-res webcam snapshots of my fugly mug from the daily pic project, I figured maybe I should put them out here in smaller chunks. Especially since folks keep asking me to aggregate them somewhere.

As with anything else, feel free to borrow them, just give credit where it’s due. My bills aren’t in any danger of not needing to be paid, ya’know…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

November 2010

Merpizm 11/01/10: “I am neither legally nor morally obligated to cure you of your stupidity.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/02/10: “Even Occam’s Razor will eventually get dull.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/03/10: “Unbridled activism, of any type, eventually becomes annoying to everyone – even its supporters.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/04/10: “The actual profundity of any statement is directly proportional to its timing divided by its delivery.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/05/10: “Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/06/10: “Opinions, like advice, should be graciously entertained. You can always kick them out when the party is over.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/07/10: “Much like wax fruit, hotel room coffee is only there for show. You aren’t actually supposed to drink it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/08/10: “In my personal experience, melodrama is rarely all that mellow.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/09/10: “Unbridled passion is good. Bridled is too, as long as my wife isn’t too overzealous with the buggy whip.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/10/10: “Never attempt to write a daily quote before you’ve had your morning coffee.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/11/10: “Having an opinion in no way makes someone an expert on a subject. In fact, it probably just means they have gas.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/12/10: “Just because you can read a book that does not mean you know how to write one.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/13/10: “If you were happy ALL OF THE TIME, how would you know it?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/14/10: “Nobody is immune to stupid, and unfortunately there isn’t a vaccine for it just yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/15/10: “If you aren’t supposed to use adverbs, why the hell does “Lolly” sell the damn things?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/16/10: “Improper nouns throw wilder parties.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/17/10: “I’m actually old enough to remember when ‘crack’ was only available from plumbers.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/18/10: “Think before you speak, because thinking is sort of like a condom that will keep you from spreading stupid.” ~ MRS

(And if you forget to think all is not entirely lost. Just remember that biting your tongue is sorta like a diaphragm.)

Merpizm 11/19/10: “Forced humor is kind of like an inflamed hemorrhoid. Painful and not really funny at all.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/20/10: “Periods are multipurpose. Not only can they end sentences, they can also abruptly end an otherwise pleasant evening.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/21/10: “If you say something stupid, I’m going to make fun of you. I expect no less when the roles are reversed.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/22/10: “As with brain surgery, sarcasm should be left to the professionals who know how to do it properly.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/23/10: “For the most part, Facebook is really just public exhibitionism performed from the comfort of your favorite chair.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/24/10: “Time is a unique commodity, in that you often seem to have both too much and too little at the same time.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/25/10: “I’m not actually a wise person. I just play one on the Internet.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 11/26/10: “A light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always a good thing, especially if it’s coming closer and you’re standing still.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/27/10: “If stupid grew on trees, we’d be living in an orchard at the peak of the season.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 11/28/10: “Everyone is entitled to their own big, steaming bowl of stupid. The trick is to not spill it on anyone else.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/29/10: “A bonus of Online Social Networking is that your *friends* don’t care whether or not you’ve had a shower.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/30/10: “Overinflated egos are a lot like dying stars. They just keep getting bigger until they eventually implode.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv