BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I was going to call this “It’s Just An Egg Sandwich…”, but then I had one of those moments of inspiration. Either that, or gas, I’m not sure which. In any event, I’m hoping Kurt Vonnegut will forgive me for throwing down some massa-cree on his title. After all, I did use the short version*. That should count for something.

So it goes**… Why was I going to call this entry “It’s Just An Egg Sandwich…”? Well, that’s fairly simple, actually. Mostly because I happened upon the idea of writing it while I was in the middle of fixing myself an egg sammich… On whole wheat… With cheese… And ‘mater. Kinda makes you hungry, eh?

So it goes…  The whole egg sammich thing was one of those, “Oh yeah, that again… maybe I should write about it,” moments. You know, sort of like Deja Vu, but not. Mostly because I don’t allow my deja to be vued.  It’s way too personal.

So it goes… I was standing there fixing myself an egg sammich when it suddenly dawned on me that at some unknown point in the future I would be doing something equally mundane, but that I would just as suddenly flash on the fact that I had once been standing there fixing myself an egg sammich and thinking about the fact that at some unknown point in the future I would be thinking about this moment in time and wondering where all the time that was in between had gotten off to; whereupon I would then think about the fact that I was standing there fixing myself an egg sammich and… Well… I think you get the idea.

And why did I suddenly flash on all that? Well, because in the instant prior to that flash there had been another flash. Not the expose yourself kind, mind you… Although, in a way I suppose it was. Nope… This was another of those flashes in the brainpan.

So it goes… I was standing there fixing myself an egg sammich and thinking about the fact that at some unknown point in the future I would be doing something equally mundane, but that I would just as suddenly flash on the fact that I had once been standing there fixing myself an egg sammich and thinking about the fact that at some unknown point in the future I would be thinking about this moment in time and wondering where all the time that was in between had gotten off to, because I had just flashed on something I had done in the past that was equally mundane while having the very same sort of thought…

And… So it goes… My world falls in upon itself like a shattered mirror, reflecting back what was, what is, and what will be.

Maybe I should change my name to Billy Pilgrim… But then I’d have to get killed by a gullible moron – of course, that’s Kurt’s story, not mine…

I think maybe I should just keep writing. It seems Kurt and I have a lot in common where style and satire are concerned. Hell, we both even have critics that hate us because we don’t follow their rules, and you know what? That suits me just fine… I bet it did Kurt, too. I’ll ask him when I get to the other side. I suspect that is a ways off yet, however, I’m willing to bet I’ll by lying there in my bed thinking about the time I was fixing myself an egg sammich and flashing on the thought that I would one day be doing…

So it goes…

More to come…

Murv

* The actual full title of Slaughterhouse Five is: Slaughterhouse-Five, or The Children’s Crusade: A Duty Dance with Death.

** “So it goes” is a commonly repeated expression employed by Vonnegut in the book, Slaughterhouse Five.

It has been quite a while since I’ve done a Frequently Asked Questions blog, so I though maybe it might be time for one, especially when you consider that I’ve had a few questions being asked frequently as of late…

Believe it or not, as silly as some of the questions may seem, they have actually been asked by someone other than the voices inside my head. And, you will notice that some of these questions have appeared in past FAQ blogs. Why are they here now? Because people are still asking them. Frequently. As in, a lot.

Srsly.

So, without further mucking about, it’s time for…

ASK MERP!

1. I just read (or recently read, or at some point read) Merrie Axemas: A Killer Holiday Tale, and loved it (hated it, think you suck, WTF, Christmas is over you putz). Will you be continuing the story at all?

The short answer is: Yes. The long answer is: Yes. (That is to say, look for the full-length novel, In The Bleak Midwinter, coming November 2011.)

2. Why haven’t I ever heard of you before?

Hmm… Uhh… Well… Umm, best guess? I have no friggin’ clue. But don’t worry, I haven’t heard of you either, so we’re all good.

3. Do you write every day?

Yes. While I don’t necessarily work on a novel project on the weekends, I write something every single day, whether it’s a blog entry, notes, a bit of poetry, or a random journal entry.

4. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Srsly? Okay, you asked for it – A hardwood. Take that however you want.

5. I read in an interview where you said that you give your wife a 30 minute back rub every morning. Is that true?

No. It used to be, but she changed the setting on the alarm clock while I was out of town, so now it’s a 45 minute back rub. Since I have more traveling ahead of me, I suspect by the end of the summer she will have adjusted the alarm clock enough that it will be a two-hour back rub by sometime around mid-August this year.

6. Will you ever be growing your ponytail back?

I’ve grown accustomed to being able to escape the clutches of the evil redhead – at least part of the time – now that she doesn’t have the built-in leash to grab onto. So, I’d have to say growing it back isn’t very high on my priority list.

7. When are you going to write the Rowan Gant cookbook you talked about?

Me and my big mouth. I really have no clue. Srsly. I don’t. I know I babbled about it once upon a time, and apparently it resonated with some of you. I haven’t ruled it out, but it’s not residing on the top of the projects pile either. However, when I do, I’ll be sure to shout it from the rooftops.

8. When are you coming to [insert town, city, state, country here]?

When someone books me to do a gig there, most likely. Book tours aren’t as common as they once were, due to the economy, the changes in the publishing industry, and the surge of social media. However, if someone books me for a gig, I’m there. To do that, contact my publicist: Wendy at promo_dept@willowtreepress.com

9. When is there going to be a Rowan Gant Investigations movie?

When someone buys the rights and makes one. That’s about all I can say. At this juncture, nobody has optioned any of the books in the series, so it’s doubtful you will see one in the near future. The same goes for TV.

10. I read somewhere that you get up at 4:30 in the morning every day. Is that true, and why?

I wake up at around 4:30 AM, give or take a few minutes. My feet don’t generally hit the floor until 5 or 5:30. As to why, I have a very high maintenance wife. Her breakfast doesn’t fix itself.

But seriously, on the “why,” it’s my internal clock. I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up, and even when I was in the city, my family was of the early rising type. It’s kinda baked on and I haven’t been able to scrub it off, no matter how hard I try.

That’s it for this edition of ASK MERP! Keep those cards and letters coming. The sponsors won’t pay up unless I can prove you’re watching…

More to come…

Murv