BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

In the past I’ve waxed poetic about BLAM (Blog Spam) that shows up in my filter. Rather than bore you with all of that biz yet again, I’m simply going to share with you some of my recent favorites.

Email addresses, IP’s, and weblinks have been removed. Not to protect anyone. I just don’t want the idiots getting a backlink from me and showing up higher in the search engines…

Jillian Malnar
2010/09/18 at 8:56 pm

Thank you for another fantastic blog. Where else could I get this kind of info written in such an incite full way? I have been looking for such information.

This was tagged to It Must Be A Yankee Thing… I can only assume that  “Jillian” resides North of the Mason-Dixon, given that I managed to incite her to spam me.

Merrell Shoes
2010/09/18 at 5:37 pm

Finding the best pair of new shoes can be difficult due to the huge number of different pairs of shoes available to buy today. That’s why I almost always look at a huge variety of different pairs before buying.

At least this one had something to do with shoes since it was tagged to Lackey Gotz A New Pair ‘O Shooz… Unfortunately, I think maybe “Merrell” has a bad case of self-defeating logic going on there…

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2010/09/18 at 2:57 pm

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Tagged to The Language Of Food… I’ve read this one about 67 times now. All I can think of to say is, “What?” O_o

thermo blackx
2010/09/17 at 3:25 am

you might want to invest in a good spam blocker for this site as it seems it has been hammered to death with spam

Not sure why this one was tagged to The Idiot’s Guide To Koran Burning… Suffice it to say, apparently my spam blocker is working just fine “Thermo”

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2010/09/16 at 4:01 am

I absolutely enjoyed reading your blog and rest it both illuminating and interesting. I importune be steadfast to bookmark it and bull-whip it as again as I can.

Yo, Cap’n… The post you commented on was The “It” Effect… Not the E K Effect. Believe me, you wouldn’t be importuning steadfast bookmarked anything if the evil redhead got hold of you with a bullwhip. (Yes. She not only owns two of them, she is damn near proficient enough with them to snap the nads off a blowfly with one. Srsly.)

Build Solar Panel
2010/09/16 at 12:23 am

Elvis was the greatest vocalist that ever existed. I love all his songs.

Driving In Saint Louis… Probably would have made more sense if we were driving in Memphis, but what the hell… And, “Greatest Vocalist”? Well… I don’t know about that, but he sure knew his shit when it came to peanut butter and banana sammiches.

Mauricio Kolacki
2010/09/14 at 5:33 am

Hi, I apologize for enquiring this enquiry here, but I couldn’t find a contact form or something so I assumed I could I leave my enquiry here. I run a blogengine blog but I am receiving large amounts of spam. I see u use wordpress, is it uncomplicated to control spam with wordpress or doesn’t it make any difference? I hope you will respond to my comment or maybe send me an email with your answer if you don’t want to approve the comment. Best regards, Annie

Oddly appropriate that this was tagged to I Do Not Think It Means… After all, she just keeps using that word…

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2010/09/14 at 1:09 am

Blogging keeps me insane. Keep up all the positive work. I too love to blog. I found this one to be very informative 🙂

Tagged to It’s A Conspiracy I Tell You… Yeah. It keeps me insane too.

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2010/09/13 at 12:23 pm

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Tagged to Rowan Gant Investigations E-Books… Here’s a buck. Go buy yourself a soda.

Matthew C. Kriner
2010/09/13 at 5:04 am

Web site is very nice but the theme of your site from the top of the slide there. Correct box unchecked if you are very beautiful

Tagged to Who Is This, And How Did You Get In My Computer? PART 1. Me, not so much. I unchecked the correct box for E K…

Dominatrix
2010/09/08 at 10:52 am

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Tagged to Coming Soon To A Blog Near You… Tell ya’ what. How about if I just post a bunch of pictures of E K. Trust me, you’ll get plenty of “Domina” from them.

PTZ IP Camera
2010/09/06 at 1:04 am

You precisely saved me atleast 1 hour of time. I am making a project in this particular topic and your contribute has helped me through one of the topics of my project. I will browse to the other pages now.

Tagged to Mahwage: Love At First Sight… Precisely at least? Dude, you should have posted this one on I Do Not Think It Means…

WOW Gold Guide
2010/09/19 at 11:17 pm

Could used friends tell me more about it?

Tagged to E K Is A Real Pain In My Ass… We’re talking about the Evil Redhead here “Goldie”… Those would be used and abused friends…

Electronic Cigarettes
2010/09/20 at 7:51 am

I like this website and it has given me a bit of desire to succeed, so keep up the good work. =)

Tagged to E K Is A Real Pain In My Ass… Again, we’re talking Evil Redhead. She’s a pretty good motivator, especially when she pins things to your ass with a lapel pin.

And now, for my all time favorite. This was tagged to Where’s The Fork? and I almost went ahead and approved it to post simply because the opening sentence is so damned creative… Unfortunately, it just sort of falls apart after that…

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2010/09/04 at 2:28 am

I’m currently being held for ransom by the Chinese mafia -xmas, christmas, santa- and being forced to post spam comments on everywhere! If you wont approve this they will eat me. -jingle bells, christmas music- They are coming back now. -one horse open sleigh, christmas gifts, christmas music- Please call someone! -xmas jokes, christmas morning, christmas carol- 🙂 but seriously, just trying to make a buck and help others in the process. Help me help you and your audience by taking a gander at a great way to get paid for taking online surveys and make a few bucks for this upcoming Christmas season. Hope this one was at least a bit entertaining. Original credit to a much more original marketer than myself.Best thing I’ve found as of late!

More to come…

Murv

Part 11 of 12

Continued from: Mahwage: Trick Or Treat!

Okay… So you got me to admit that E K did not actually stomp on the little groom guy from the cake topper… I suppose y’all are real proud of yourselves now, eh? Well, here’s the thing: I’m willing to bet you she thought about it,  really, really hard. As a matter of fact, I’m sure she did.

How can I say that, you ask? Easy, she’s evil. (E K … Evil Kat… Get it? Of course you do…)

So, there you go, case closed, she’s just plain inherently evil. However, if that isn’t enough  to convince you there is also the fact that I happen to know she  really likes to stomp on things… I mean, you should see this woman with an aluminum can that’s destined for the recycle bin… she gets all giggly and stuff… Then all of a sudden it’s just flat out metal carnage, I tell you! (Get it, flat out… Yeah… Okay… Well, I thought it was funny…)

Yeah, yeah, I know… I’ve said all manner of wonderful things in this blog series to purposely dispel any myths and/or rumors about the evil redhead, but I have to do that. It’s all in the script she wrote for me and if I don’t say all these nice things about her then she’ll beat me and lock me in a closet. Really… Seriously…  She will…

I’ve just lost all credibility with you folks, haven’t I?

Well… Maybe I can get some of it back.

How, you ask? (You know, y’all ask a lot of questions)… Well, I’ll tell you. It  just so happens that I have photographic evidence of E Kay’s evilness, complete with full color depictions of cruelty, betrayal, calculated deception, and no inkling whatsoever of remorse for her actions. Yes, for real. Undoctored, unfettered, pure photographic evidence that E K is as evil as they come…

Allow me to set the stage for you…

Among those time honored traditions that go hand in hand with weddings and wedding receptions, is the bride and groom feeding the cake to one another, all cutesy woodja-woodja and the like. In that same vein there is also the “smear the cake all over your new spouse’s face” collateral tradition. I have no idea who started that particular subset of the cake thing, but he or she needs to be shot. Just my opinion, but hey…my blog, my opinion. Kinda works…

Anyway, E K and I had ourselves a talk about this. In fact, E K is the very one who brought it up. (I should have known right then and there that something was amiss)… At any rate, one day as we were working on the wedding plans she looked at me imploringly with those big blue eyes and said, “Look, Murv, let’s make a deal with one another right here and now — When it comes time to cut the cake and all that, I promise I won’t smear you in the face with it, if you promise you won’t smear me in the face. Deal?”

Well, how could I resist? She was just so damned cute and convincing and all that jazz. Besides, I really and truly wasn’t all that skippy about the prospect of having cake plastered throughout my beard for several hours, so this seemed like  the perfect solution to me. Therefore, I did the only thing I could possibly do under the circumstances. I responded in earnest, “Yeah, honey.  No problem at all. I’d say you’ve got yourself a deal. I promise to not smear any cake on your face.”

Now, being from the south I knew better. And, I knew I knew better.  In keeping with the theme of things I knew, I also knew in my heart, and in my head, that I should have spit in my palm, made her spit in hers, and had a handshake on the deal right then and there, but I didn’t. Instead, I trusted my soon-to-be-wife without hesitation. Of course, even the handshake probably wouldn’t have mattered, what with her being a Yankee and all… It stands to reason with all that northern blood she wouldn’t have honored a spit promise anyway, so that would have only made the situation worse. I mean, if  she had broken a spit promise of all things, then she just would have gone from being a Yankee to being a Damn Yankee… Obviously this would have presented a major problem, because while it’s a forgivable offense to be married to a Yankee, (after all, they can’t help it they were born in a foreign country,) marrying a Damn Yankee… Well, that’ll just get you hanged.

However, I promised you evidence and so here it is. I give you Exhibit A. (left)… Notice how I am placing the cake carefully into her mouth. However, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be able to see that her aim is way off. My mouth has never been on the side of my face and she knows that.  No… she was purposely assaulting me with the “cake smear”. If you look closely at my expression, posture, and the position of my other hand, you can also plainly see that the photo caught me right in the middle of a serious, “WTF?! You promised!” moment.

Now, had it merely been a case of poor aim on her part, she wouldn’t have continued to grind the icing into my beard, as evidenced in the next photo, which we shall label Exhibit B.

Unfortunately, what you are unable to see from this particular photo, is her satisfied grin. There were witnesses… But, I think she might have paid them off… Now I ask you… Evil or no?

What? Sheesh… I really don’t see why everyone is taking her side in all of this… I mean, yeah, I do get that she was merely establishing dominance in the relationship so that I would know who was really in control,  but hey, she promised… (One of these days I’m going to find out exactly what it was she had crossed when she made that promise, because I’m pretty sure her hands were in plain sight at the time…)

So, back to the title of this entry. “Where’s everybody going?” refers back to what I mentioned in the Fool For Your Stockings chapter of this series,  (Feb 22, 2009), when I spoke briefly about us hitting the sack in the evening as opposed to the very late night, or wee hours of the morning. I told you we’d get to it, and now here we are.

You see, soon after the smearing of the cake, someone must have mistaken the purely evil gesture as playfulness and then passed the word that E K was feeling frisky or something. I surmised this because it wasn’t long before a mass exodus began. People started patting us on the back, congratulating us just one more time, hugging and kissing us, then winking as they said their goodbyes. A couple of them even flat out mentioned to us that they were clearing out so E K and I could have… Ahem… “Alone time”…

WTF? E K and I had already been living together “in sin” for a year. Yeah, we’d been sinning left and right. So, it’s not like we had gone through this whole process in order to get a “free bedroom pass” or something. Truth is we already had ourselves a “big ol’ bag o’ tokens” for adult activities and we’d been spending them whenever we had a chance. Now, please understand, it’s not that we weren’t interested in visiting the “grown up amusement park” on a regular basis, or even having a go at some of the “rides” we hadn’t yet enjoyed, but on that particular night we wanted to have a party. We had spent every bit of money we could scrape together on food, a keg of beer, and fixing the place up enough to be able to have a shindig. We had worked hard to make this happen. We wanted to share and enjoy it with our friends. We could jump on the “tilt-a-whirl” tomorrow… Hell, two or three times if we felt like it.

However, no matter what we said, folks would just give us the “wink wink nudge nudge” and be on their way. By 10:30 PM, my hot and sexy bride and I were standing in the middle of our living room, just us, the cats, and no one else, surrounded by empty chairs and a whole mountain of food. Now, I know 10:30 PM sounds like night and not evening as I had said… These days, at my somewhat more advanced age, yeah, I’d call it night too. But, back then at the wet behind the ears twenty-something stage, when we were immortal and could drink a hell of a lot more, 10:30 PM was merely evening… Night was still on its way and wouldn’t be arriving for at least another half hour or so…

But, yeah, I know, that’s all just a matter of semantics… You say tomato, I say roundish red thing that goes on my sammich… Still, 10:30 PM? That’s just too damn early to pack it in when you have the youth combined with the level of party fixin’s available that we did…

So… We took one last look around and proceeded to do the only thing we could do. We put everything away, filling the refrigerator to the gills in the process, locked the doors, closed the windows, slipped out of our Sunday go to meetin’ clothes, went into the bedroom and… Passed out from sheer exhaustion.

Yeah. Sleep. That was it. No roller coaster, log flume, bumper cars, scrambler, or even a quick spin on the merry-go-round… Nothing… But, it was all good… If were weren’t going to have anyone staying to party with us, then what the hell… We’d just catch up on those 287 1/2 hours of sleep we’d managed to miss getting ready for this whole affair.

E K could tie me up and beat me later when we’d both be awake enough to enjo… Er… Uhm… Never mind.

But, honestly, in retrospect we both desperately needed the rest. Besides, if you recall, E K had lost the feeling in her legs and we needed to get her out of those rubber bands…

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the serendipitous, (depending on your perspective,) benefits of everyone bugging out so early… And, I’m not just talking about the sleep.

We ended up with almost an entire keg of beer to ourselves… Not a quarter barrel, mind you, we had ordered a half-barrel. And it was the good stuff… Well, as good as commercial big-brewery beer can be and this was in the days before Microbreweries became truly popular. Still, before everything was said and done, I was filling gallon jugs 3/4 full and putting them in the chest freezer downstairs so I could use the flat brew to cook with at a later date, while at the same time I was staying tanked the whole day. We washed our hair with it. We gave it to the neighbors. We invited folks in off the street to have a beer. All I knew was that we’d paid for it, so that metal barrel wasn’t going back until it was floating…

I was never so glad to return a keg in all my life… Really.

On top of the beer-en-dipity there was also food-en-dipity… I didn’t have to cook for a week and a half. We just took stuff out of the freezer and ran it through the microwave. Ham sandwiches, apple-rice curry, veal parmigiana… Good thing too, because with all that extra beer I was sucking down, I was just too damn drunk to cook.

And so we had a relatively anti-climactic end to one of the truly climactic points in our lives… We spent our honeymoon here in town, shopping for furniture with the money we’d earned for getting married, (what a racket… I’d be willing to do it once or twice a year if I thought folks would keep forking over the cash), and just generally hanging out.

But, before I can formally end this proverbial stroll along memory lane, we still have one more little pothole to investigate… And, to do that, we have to get back to the subject of food…

More to come…

Murv

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