I know this is going to come off as hubris in the worst way, but I was recently quoted in a news story and I thought I should let everyone know in case some of you missed it but might still have a passing interest in what I had to say.
The Associative Press
SAINT LOUIS, MO – The recent discovery of a new quantum mass in a small suburb of Saint Louis has yielded sufficient evidence to prompt leading physicists to abandon the “God Particle Theory”. The Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God Particle” by researchers was once considered the “Holy Grail” of the scientific community and was hoped to be experimentally proven when the much touted Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva eventually comes online. However, the Higgs boson has now joined the ranks of such debunked scientific hypothesis as “Flat Earth” and “The Moon being composed of green cheese.” The demise of the “God Particle” was brought about by the newly discovered Briggs stratton, which was detected via a hybrid science that blends quantum mechanics and chaos theory.
Doctor Earl-Bob “Bubba Doc” Fröedingschlösser, lead researcher on the project credited his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford with the initial discovery. “We was on our way over to the stop ‘n shop to pick up some more beers when she saw ’em,” he said. “Rot there on the curb, purty as a pickshure.”
“He’s rot,” Ms. Crawford agreed. “Them metal tubes, they was jes sittin’ there.”
Doctor Fröedingschlösser further explained how the tubes led to the discovery of the Briggs stratton. “Well of course we stopped,” he said. “They was enough scrap there to git us change for at least a six pack. Maybe even a six and a coupl’a Big Buford’s from the burger stand if we was lucky. Anyways, we went to puttin’ them tubes inta the back uh my truck, an I guess we was bein’ a bit noisy. That’s pretty much when it happened.”
“Earl jes tossed ’em in there, ya see,” Ms. Crawford added to the explanation. “Made a whole lotta noise. Next thing you know, there it was.”
Doctor Fröedingschlösser agreed with his colleague. “Yep, there it was all right. Scared the beejeezus outta me. We wuz lucky though. Rhonda-Sue was textin’ her momma ta’ see if she wanted us ta’ pick up some diapers and Marlboro’s for ‘er, so she was able ta’ git a pickshure on the camry part of ‘er phone.”
“It’s jes a little blurry,” Ms. Crawford added. “But it all happened so fast I was lucky I got the pickshure took at all before it started hittin’ Earl over the head with a shoe.”
According to Doctor Fröedingschlösser the newly discovered, and highly charged particle was dubbed the Briggs stratton due to the deafening, lawnmower engine-like sound emanating from it as it accelerated toward them. He commented, “This here’s one of them particles that don’t even need no collider. It’ll collide ya’ all by itself, an’ lemme tell ya’, when it does you hurt like hell for a week at least.”
When asked if there were any plans to assign a nickname to the Briggs stratton such as happened with the Higgs boson, Doctor Fröedingschlösser replied, “Well, I ain’t so sure jes yet, but we been thinkin’ on callin’ it the Psycho Bitch.”
Mury Sallers, a resident in the home on the property where the Briggs stratton was discovered declined to comment on this astounding scientific breakthrough. However, when asked what he thought it should be dubbed he did state, “It actually likes to be deferentially referred to as Queen Bitch of the Whole F*cking Universe, but sometimes when it’s in a good mood it lets us just call it Evil Kat. We still have to bow and scrape though.”
Doctor Fröedingschlösser was not available for further comment due to an extended sabbatical courtesy of the Arkansas Department of Corrections. In his absence, his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford, is continuing the research at an undisclosed location.
Of course, they misspelled my name, but that’s pretty much par for the course.
More to come…
Murv
Schueyman
September 13th, 2009 at 06:30
Earl-Bob and Rhonda-Sue must be from down Steelville way. Sure sounds like it.
J. M. Strother
September 13th, 2009 at 07:34
Wow, quoted in an AP story. You’re, like, famous! 😉
~jon
Tasialue
September 13th, 2009 at 09:27
Schuey, that’s exactly what I thought, too. I’m thinking somewhere around Cherryville… sound right to you?
silverhawk
September 13th, 2009 at 09:28
yea the closer those in Illinois are to St.L. the stranger they get.
Hugh Wilson
September 13th, 2009 at 10:47
outstanding. 🙂 Next these two will manage to capture cold fusion. “Thad be thu’ energy whats released between thet first liftin’ of the silver tab on the top and the quiet ssss when the bubbles settle down inside the can. Been meanin’ to eye-so-late ’em, but then I start drinkin’ and forgit.” 🙂
M. R. Sellars
September 13th, 2009 at 11:19
ROFLMAO! 🙂
Schueyman
September 13th, 2009 at 19:15
Tasia–Cherryville? You mean the stop sign and the pizza place? Next to the haunted school? Yeah, I figure that’s pretty close.
Christine Ashworth
September 13th, 2009 at 22:50
Great. Now my monitor has wine sprayed all over it. Thanks, Sellars!
M. R. Sellars
September 14th, 2009 at 04:55
😉
Glad I could help.
selicka
September 14th, 2009 at 14:25
ok I think these two are family to my ex. Breathing in all them fumes can make ya see thingssss.
Tasialue
September 16th, 2009 at 20:29
Schuey – Yeah. That’s the one. There’s a school bus abandoned on the side of the road and rumor has it some wild, crazy, hairy guy lives in it.
Of course, they could all just be witnessing Seitz on another bender….