So, I finally wore out my Sunday Go Ta’ Meetin’ Reeboks.
I’m a little disappointed, but I can’t really complain. After all, I managed to get better than four years out of them. I bought them on sale at a Sports Authority in Virginia of all places. Just outside of DC, as a matter of fact. I was on tour with Morrison, and after two days of standing around bookstores in my dress shoes, my feet were killing me. I knew why, of course. It was because I had bought an unbelievably cheap pair of dress shoes with no arch support whatsoever. I’d never worn them for more than a few hours at a time, so it wasn’t that big a deal. But now, I was doing some long stints on my feet and they were doing me in. I considered getting some insoles – but I’d tried them in the past and all they managed to do was make me hurt more. So, on one of our rare mornings off, when Morrison needed to run to the office supply store, I tagged along and hit the Sports Authority next door. Twenty minutes later I had a stylish pair of black Reeboks that had been ON SALE (I mention that because E K likes it when I buy things on sale), and my dawgz were feeling much better.
But, like I said, I finally killed them. The sole pulled away from the upper on one of them, and shoe glue just wasn’t doing it. They’ll work for knocking around in the yard and such, but not for Sunday Go Ta’ Meetin’ like before.
So, I went out shopping for some new shoes while we were on a “household supply run.” After checking out the on-sale Reeboks that looked like some kind of plastic & Velcro Stormtrooper shoe from Star Wars and deciding that I wasn’t interested in looking ridiculous, I wandered down another aisle. I was futzing about with some Reebok knockoffs that looked much like the pair I was aiming to replace, when E K said, “Come here, lackey!”
Well, even when you are in the middle of a store with folks all around, if E K gives you an order you follow it, lest she beat you to death right there in public. And, she’ll get away with it too. Trust me. But, well, you know… digressing and all that…
So, I dropped everything and rushed down to the end of the aisle where E K was waiting and panted, “Yes, Mistress. What may I do to serve you, Mistress?”
Quite a few women who were in the general vicinity reached out and slapped their husbands to get their attention, then pointed at me and announced, “See? HE knows how to behave.” Of course, the husbands just glared at me, but I’m used to that by now.
E K finished reading an information card attached to a pair of shoes, then handed them to me and said, “Here, lackey. Try these on.”
I looked at the shoes in the box she had handed me, then I looked at her. Then I looked at the shoes in the box she had handed me, and then I looked at her.
“Well? What are you waiting for?” she hissed and snapped her fingers. “Chop chop!”
What she had selected for me were “Therashoes“… No, not Theraflu, THERASHOES… The problem is, they looked exactly like something Herman Munster would wear. Seriously. I would not lie about something like that. But, Her Supreme Worship was glaring at me, and all of the other wives were holding their husbands by the ear and making them watch how obedient a lackey I happened to be, therefore I had very little choice.
I walked around for a minute.
I almost fell down 72 times in the span of 60 seconds.
You see, not only do “Therashoes” have a platform sole like Herman Munster footwear, said sole is shaped like a rocker on a rocking chair. Again, no kidding. I wouldn’t lie about this. You can see it just a little bit in the picture, but believe me, that doesn’t do it justice. These things have as much curve as a freaking basketball (see cross section below).
I guarantee you it is easier to walk in stiletto heels – and, I’m sure you are wondering how I could possibly say that with any authority. Well, because I have walked in stiletto heels. No, not because E K makes me dress up like a French Maid and wait on her… Well… Not lately anyway… But, because in my youth I went to a costume party in drag on a dare/bet. BTW, I looked damn good and I won the bet. I certainly couldn’t pull it off now; besides, the costume was long gone, long ago. It just didn’t go with the rest of my wardrobe…
But, back to the shoes… In the end, E K decided these were the clodhoppers I needed to have. I wore them for about six hours today and I now feel like I have been hobbled by Kathy Bates wielding a sledgehammer.
It took me a few hours, but I finally figured it out. These things were designed by a Dominatrix – hell, probably by E K and the Redhead Collective – as a type of bizarre bondage gear in order to keep men from escaping during torture. I’m certain of this, because I’m here to tell you, wearing these damn things I can’t even run away from a toddler…
I can, however, pitch back and forth like a rocking horse.
More to come…
Murv
Heather
April 11th, 2010 at 07:47
Therashoes…hmmmm…. somebody I know needs new shoes!
Lovely
April 11th, 2010 at 13:43
you just confirmed my suspicions from when i first saw a commercial for them on tv. they just do not look like something the normal human could walk in.
hmmm….maybe i should go to a shoe store and try a pair on someday. it’s healthy to laugh at yourself every now and then.
M. R. Sellars
April 11th, 2010 at 14:16
I hear you…
Of course, I wrote this blog a while back, since I tend to write them in advance and add them to the queue. So, I’ve actually started getting used to the shoes. They are still a bit odd, but at least now I can walk without looking like a toddler with a full diaper. Still can’t get away from EK, but I doubt that’ll ever happen. She’s pretty damn quick for an “old broad”… 😉
Lovely
April 11th, 2010 at 15:14
and it seems you have revealed her master plan ^_^
DallasRedhead
April 11th, 2010 at 16:24
The Redhead Collective….I like that. I like that a lot.
Lilly
April 12th, 2010 at 02:54
hmmm… The link didn’t work for me but I dropped the “s” and found http://www.therashoe.com/ … I wonder how you’d do in them aboard a ship… 😉
M. R. Sellars
April 12th, 2010 at 05:12
Thanks! Fixed the link… 🙂
Doni (aka Alexx)
April 12th, 2010 at 08:02
Murv? are they really that bad someone suggested something like that would help both feet and knee problems. Are they that ugly as well?
M. R. Sellars
April 12th, 2010 at 08:16
Well, yeah, they ARE that ugly… As to being as bad as I made out, remember, when it comes to my blog I’m a satirist. No, not a sadist, that would be EK… SATIRIST… (See, I can’t even stop doing it when I’m writing a comment LOL)
But, seriously, yeah, they are not pretty, but I’m getting used to them. I have problems with my feet, including tendinitis and the need for pretty extreme arch support. I don’t think I have plantar fasciitis but I might. My symptoms don’t actually jibe. At any rate, these are supposed to help that, AND make you work core muscles, yadda yadda… But, while I’m getting used to the shoes themselves, I can’t say I’ve noticed any improvement in my aches and pains. Of course, that could very well be because I’m an old guy… 🙂
Doni (aka Alexx)
April 12th, 2010 at 08:29
Murv you can not be any older than I am I am 46 and I still work as a massage therapist full time which is very physical. But as for foot problems massage is also good for them. Yes I know you are a satirist it is one of the reasons I follow your blog. I was actually in your neck of the woods Saturday, The train guy was having a Garage sale so we were out wandering on our perpetual hunt for books and the hubbies hope to find the “forgotten” painting that grand ma left but they don’t want that is worth a fortune. Have not found it yet but you got to have hope. I am going to check out the shoes anyway no matter how ugly
M. R. Sellars
April 12th, 2010 at 08:44
Rock on…
And yeah, unfortunately, I have a couple of years on ya’… O_O
Schueyman
April 12th, 2010 at 09:13
I was going to say I’m 47 and Murv graduated the year before me, but he beat me to it. Ah, yes, the Murv in drag incident. Have the negatives been destroyed? I know it took several months for my eyes to recover. I’m sure Steve’s brother has nightmares to this day.
M. R. Sellars
April 12th, 2010 at 09:19
ROFLMAO! True story…
I think the negs are in a folder with a bunch of other old stuff. But, that’s where they will be staying. 😉