29th Dec 10
M. R. SellarsIf you are a regular follower of B L, you most likely read “You Get HBO On That?” a few weeks ago. In case you didn’t, or just don’t remember it and are too lazy to click on the link to refresh your memory, it was pretty much a transcript of a conversation I had with my newly 18 year old niece who had just had her nose pierced to celebrate her birthday.
For the record, I don’t care if she puts holes in her nose, or wherever else for that matter. Same goes for anyone else. However, I’m an uncle, I’m a writer, and I have a bizarre sense of humor. Therefore, it’s a moral imperative that I give my niece trouble. So, all of you pierced and tattooed whackos with email accounts can STOP sending me messages telling me what a bastard I am. If you honestly believe I am discriminating against you – and her – then your brains really DID leak out of those extra holes you poked into yourself.
Put simply: Slap some Dap ™ Stupid Crack filler on your holes and leave me alone.
But pointing out to the outraged idiots that they are idiots is not why I’m writing this particular blog entry. Nope. Actually I’m doing it to illustrate a “moral of the story.”
“What moral is that?” you ask…
Well, it’s kind of one of those “Fried Green Tomatoes” sort of morals. Remember that now famous line delivered by Kathy Bates?
“Face it, girls, I’m older and I have more insurance.”
…It’s sort of like that. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a lot like the moral I offered in the original blog on this subject. However, Christmas was upon us, and… Well… Allow me to illustrate. Literally.
Front
Top
Back
Side 1
Side 2
That moral?
Don’t do something silly, stupid, or otherwise bizarre if you have ME for an uncle. I have money, a copy of Photoshop, a color laser printer, and one hell of an imagination.
BTW, I didn’t want the other kids to feel left out, so…
Niece #2 got a “Booger ™” Logoed box containing a cork, carpet needle, and antiseptic wipe, along with instructions on how to pierce her own nose.
Nephew received a “Booger ™” Logoed box containing a lump of charcoal and instructions on how to make a diamond nose ring.
Texts and picture messages were flying, let me tell you. Not sure if the rest of the teenagers in Saint Louis think I’m a “Cool Uncle” or a Jackass. Maybe one day they’ll figure out that I’m both…
More to come…
Murv
Celeste
December 29th, 2010 at 12:43
you mean, you *made* these? oh, thats too funny.
As your pierced, tattoo’d friend, let me tell you, thats hilarious.
I’m sure all of the piercers and staff at the shop I go to would think it was hilarious, too. Anyone who would take offense, my friend, takes themselves way too seriously. Part of the territory (reason?) to get piercings and tattoos is getting stared and pointed at. Its fun when you do it on purpose.
Gina
December 29th, 2010 at 18:30
Wicked Uncle Murv! Fabulous photoshopping! It took me a minute to figure out that you did not purchase this toy, nor was it made by the Booger company.
OK, I had a hard, long day with too many patients and too many people suffering from terminal stupidity. Not to mention the 2 feet of slush on the ground and the 8 foot high mountains of snow elsewhere.
Wicked, cool Uncle Murv.
Jules
December 30th, 2010 at 05:59
As another tattooed and minorly pierced member of the Murv followers I just have to say “TOWANDA”!
If there are folks who are offended by that post- they should probably step back and stop taking themselves so seriously. As a parent of a tattooed and somewhat pierced semi-adult- I give him the same crap you gave your neice. He gets it- it’s the perogative of family to give you heck about your choices.
M. R. Sellars
December 30th, 2010 at 06:22
@Jules and Celeste –
I hear you… The first installment (HBO) garnered a few pissy notes to my inbox from folks telling me I was being “intolerant” of my niece. Yet another example of people who don’t get humor. O_o
Gwynn
June 24th, 2011 at 15:32
No they don’t get your humor. This is awesome Merp.