1st May 11
M. R. Sellars…I’m an asshole.
Now, to be perfectly honest, I really don’t think that I’m an asshole. I mean, like most folks, I have one, but I don’t think that I am one. Of course, as a general rule the majority of assholes don’t actually think that they are assholes. Given that I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am a waste sphincter of the highest order I may just be deluding myself in the belief that I am not.
To that end, I thought I’d take a minute to explain exactly why it is that I’m an asshole, just in case I actually am.
Not a week goes by that I don’t receive an email from some fresh-faced, idealistic, energetic individual with dreams of becoming an author. Problem is, said fresh-faced, idealistic, energetic individual is contacting me and asking me not only for advice, but for me to read their unplaced manuscript.
Advice I will give. Usually it involves telling the person to run the other direction and become a particle physicist, attorney, or something else that garners a decent paycheck. This whole authoring gig isn’t what it’s cracked up to be in the movies and TV, so unless you simply can’t help yourself but the write, don’t.
That’s not usually what they want to hear, but it goes over okay. Sort of.
Where I suddenly become an asshole is when I tell them I cannot read their unpublished manuscript for them.
9.99 times out of 10, the fresh-faced, idealistic, energetic individual turns into a tantrum throwing three-year-old, letting me know that I am a big doody head, and yes, an asshole for not reading their work. Why? Because I should help them. All they want is my honest – and they do mean honest – critique of their work so that they can become a better writer and reap all of the wonders of success that I have been privileged to enjoy as an author.
Well, the first thing I do is laugh at that last part. Then, I say no again. Here’s why…
No they don’t. The critique that is. They really and truly do NOT want real input from anyone. If they did they would be members of a writing critique group and they would already be getting that input. You see, what they REALLY want is for me to say: Holy Crap! I am a mere poser in relation to you. You put Hemingway to shame. You put all other writers before you to shame. There will never be another writer as great as you!
Now, before you say, “But Murv, aren’t you exaggerating?”… And I can see why you would say that, because I often do (supposedly), let me just say, “No. I am not exaggerating.”
You see, I used to say yes. Any other authors out there reading this are now shaking their heads and saying, “You big dumbass.” Well, I’ll accept that moniker with no objections. Why? Because I WAS a dumbass to be doing such a thing.
Never – and I mean never – did I read something for someone who really and truly wanted an honest critique. In fact, the majority of the time I would receive an email, with a file attached, and a note saying something ridiculous like: “Mister Sellars – (two paragraphs of blowing smoke up my ass)… So, please read this and give me your honest opinion. But, I’m sure you will just want to forward it on to your editor and recommend me for publication because it really is destined to be the next New York Times Bestseller.”
I’m not kidding.
But, I would read anyway, and then send my thoughts. Things like:
“You have a good idea here and I like your imagery, but I’d suggest doing a bit of research on police procedure so that you can tighten things up make the situation more believable.”
Or…
“Nice descriptions, but the prose is a little too expository. Maybe try using dialogue between the characters to get the information across instead of having them stand there staring at each other and thinking everything without ever saying a word.”
Those pieces of advice were categorically, undeniably NOT what they wanted to hear. And, they would tell me as much, often liberally peppered with expletives and all sorts of assessments of my intelligence and writing ability that were diametrically opposed to the smoke blowing they had done in their original note when contacting me.
So here’s what I decided. Why not stop wasting my time and just spend time with my family, or even read something that I actually WANT to read. I mean, if I am going to be an asshole either way, I should at least get to be an asshole doing what I want to do, right?
And there you have it. That’s why I’m an asshole.
Cue Dennis Leary. I’ll be happy to sing along.
More to come…
Murv
Theresa Brundage
May 1st, 2011 at 10:54
I know quite a few authors that get asked to read others’ unpublished works. The answer is 99.99% of the time “No”. There’s a huge potential liability issue there. I think the best you can do is tell them to find themselves a local critique group.
Pam Thurlow
May 1st, 2011 at 11:21
So, you wanna’ read my manuscript?? LOL!! Well, I don’t think you’re an asshole, but that’s probably because I don’t expect much from you. I enjoy your books immensely and enjoy your company when I am lucky enough to have it. Thanks for being you, Murv. You’re the best!!
Celeste
May 1st, 2011 at 12:32
Dear wannabe author. I am flattered that you think so much of my opinion. Unfortunately, in the publishing world, there is a strict, unwritten code to which I must adhere. Writers write. Editors edit. Critics critique. I cannot violate the code and do that which is someone else’s job. They’d pull out my fingernails. Submit your manuscript, since you’ve put your heart and soul into it. By the way, editors and critiques are souless cyborg’s who delight in ripping to shreds the heart and souls of authors. If you survive this, I will read your work when it is published.
Sincerely,
(insert your autograph here)
Alexx
May 2nd, 2011 at 07:42
Having a Husband who both writes (first book due out September first) and is an editor MURV YOU ARE SO RIGHT! He often times has had “writers” scream at him and say how can you suggest that! And he replies Look it up yourself but the time line does not work because (sorry the Vikings did not invade the British Isles in the 1800’s)! Yes some people take offense if you want to actually correct a problem because they think they know all there is to writing. Yikes Even as a reviewer I have read some really bad stuff, (perhaps having it edited before self publishing) would improve it. IF that makes you an ass then so be it. Most People “CAN”T HANDLE THE TRUTH”
Alexx
Jamie Brown
May 3rd, 2011 at 02:53
Murv, I totally agree with your advice: “run the other direction and become a particle physicist, attorney, or something else that garners a decent paycheck… unless you simply can’t help yourself but the write, don’t.” All my college professors said I would surely make a living as a writer. What a load of crap. I’ve been “published” many times but never once PAID to write. Nowadays I truly only write because I can’t stop myself. The words are in there and they just aggravate me until I let them out. Thank goodness for internet blogs, at least I don’t have to print anything out and send it to anybody…
Tracey L Pacelli
May 3rd, 2011 at 10:45
If researchers could only find a cure for frustration assholes would eventually become extinct!
M. R. Sellars
May 3rd, 2011 at 13:50
I thought assholes already stink…
Mike
May 6th, 2011 at 11:50
So wouldn’t “ex-stink” be a good thing?
But seriously, I’m not like all those other wannabe writers and I really am trying to get some honest criticism, so here is my 1200 page first novel that I’ve poured my heart and soul into for you peruse – now don’t hold back 😉