In a little over a month, I will be 50.
Yay. Half century. Big 5-0. Surfboards, waves, syncopated Polynesian Hippie Music. Book ’em, Dano…
Actually, I’m sort of excited about it. After all, 50 is technically the new 30. Life should be just really starting to get interesting for me. Not that The Redhead hasn’t made it plenty interesting all along…
At any rate, one of the reasons 50 is the new 30 is advances in medical science, up to and including early detection of disease so that it can be treated before it REALLY gets to be a problem. Therefore, when you hit 50 the first thing the doctor tells you after pulling his hand out of your a$$ – prostate exam, folks… prostate exam… – is that you need something ELSE jammed into your bung hole, that being a 3d Imax Camera.
Okay, so maybe not a 3d Imax Camera. More like a camera on a rope…
And so, you make your appointment to have a colonoscopy. This is important shit right here, no pun intended. Colon cancer isn’t pretty, and this is the sort of thing that can save your life. However, Dave Barry beat me to the punch on the whole Intestine Spelunking Blog… And Harry Smith had his done live on national TV. I offered to live stream mine on Facebook, but my fans said no. They are more than happy to read one of my books about a serial killer doing truly horrible things to a victim or two, but when it comes to poop they get a little squeamish. Go figure…
But anyway… Or should that be Butt Anyway? No matter, the real deal is that it’s been done. The benefits of having a colonoscopy have been espoused by much bigger names than me, so I’m not about to be a copycat.
I am, however, about to throw down a major bitch about this whole thing… You see, in order to properly film the poop canal it must first be free of poop. Makes a certain sort of sense. I mean, that way the Doctor doesn’t have to keep telling Mister Hanky to move out of the way so he can see, right? And so, in order to do this they write you a prescription for Colon Blow… Okay, so that’s just what I call it. In point of fact it is “Suprep: Bowel Prep Kit.”
Cool, eh? I mean just look at it. A box of awesome. Make you clean as a whistle, it will. But wait… There’s more…
Here’s the bill.
Yes… You read it correctly. $71.43… AFTER the insurance kicked in a twenty. Without insurance it would have been $93.09…
Yeah… For some stuff to make me shit my brains out and feel completely miserable for about 18 hours. Okay… it’s medical progress. It’s the sort of thing that can save my life. Of course, I won’t have any money to live on, so I might as well be dead, but hey, what the hell.
Here’s the rub… For less than 20 bucks I could pick up a box of Dulcolax and two bottles of Citrate of Magnesium, and it would do EXACTLY the same thing. I know this because I’ve been down this road before, plus I verified it with my buddy Dr. Gina, who is, in point of fact, a real doctor, not just one on TV.
So here’s my thing… To celebrate my 50K Exhaust System Check I am pretty much flushing about 75 bucks down the toilet.
But what the hell… You only turn 50 once… Since my ass is getting raped, I guess my wallet should, too…
More to come…
Murv
Celeste
January 6th, 2012 at 14:56
Well, now you will REALLY know who wants to read brainpan leakage….I discuss mammograms. I dont think anyone has unfriended me for it…maybe my breasts seem more friendly?
Schueyman
January 9th, 2012 at 11:46
Your breasts have always seemed friendly to me. But then I am a friend of all breasts.
Denise
January 6th, 2012 at 15:01
I have watched another go through the colon cleansing. Wasn’t pretty….
Michelle
January 6th, 2012 at 15:24
We love ya, Murv!
Tasialue
January 6th, 2012 at 15:33
Holy crap!
Well, at those prices, it might as well be!
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 16:35
I’m flushing it… I don’t care how Holy it is…
Tammi
January 6th, 2012 at 16:05
That’s the same stuff I had, but they gave it to me at the doc’s office. No extra trip or $ for the Rx.
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 16:34
Yeah, well my legs aren’t as good as yours, so no such luck for me… 😉
kat
January 6th, 2012 at 16:17
well the cost is high but it is well worth it! we lost my father to complications with colon cancer earlier last year. he kept putting it off and putting it off. he finally had his at 70…and it wasnt good. im glad you did it at 50, since thats when most problems start. i for one want you around for a few dozen years, so you can feed my book addiction!
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 16:32
Sorry to hear about your dad…
As a rule I don’t much care for doctors – Except for Doc Gina MD. She’s cool. And, my GP is cool, too… We’ll see how the rotorooter guy is. If all goes well I shouldn’t have to see him for another decade after Monday.
On the few dozen years, I can probably give you two. Dozen that is. Law of averages based on my family has me getting all corpsified and gross at around my mid 70’s, and that’s with me beating the odds as it is. Already beat the odds where my mom was concerned (she died at 45). Now have my sights set on beating dad’s score (65)… I’m going to do my damndest to circumvent the law of averages, but you know how it is…
Bobbi Kilbarger
January 6th, 2012 at 16:40
My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer when he was 50 and died almost 3 years later. Definitely have to keep tabs on your body and get checked out as soon as anything seems amiss. Explaining away symptoms could cost you your life.
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 16:43
Sorry to hear that… 🙁
But, yeah, that’s why I’m rolling with the preventative care. My complete physical late last year was all good, labs and everything. This is the only major procedure I need for the time being…
Tasialue
January 6th, 2012 at 17:19
PREVENTIVE!!!
“Preventative” isn’t a word!!!!!!
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 17:32
Bwuahahahhahahaha… I did that just for you, ya’know…
Bobbi Kilbarger
January 6th, 2012 at 16:21
I was 27 when I had my first colonoscopy since every generation in my family has had colon cancer. Just be glad you didn’t get a gallon of the worst tasting kool-aid you could ever imagine with the most horrible name ever! Go-Lytely… haha very funny…
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 16:33
I hear you. Been there, actually, umpty jillion years ago. Had to do the bad kool-aid. 🙁
Gina
January 6th, 2012 at 20:05
Yeah, Murv. Me, too. In fact, you made me put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. After seeing on your FB page that you were having a colonoscopy, I spoke with my favorite GI guy about getting my 50 million mile check up, which I will do in February. I give all my patients a 50th birthday gift of the same referral.
He’s writing me the script for the same stuff you got. If my copay is $75, I am gonna squeal and ask if he can give me an alternative. I already have to pay $200 for my star turn.
And Ms. Anastasia, some dictionaries have the word “preventative” in them. You once preached to me about the evolving entity that is the English language when I lost my mind over the use of “I” as an objective pronoun or some such assault on grammar. So I’m predicting that “preventative” will be acceptable pretty much universally before much longer. I know, I know. “The both of us” (SHRIEK! CURSE! WAIL!) will just have to deal with it.
M. R. Sellars
January 6th, 2012 at 20:14
Pretty insane if you ask me, when we both know there’s OTC stuff that would do it for a Jackson…
Crymsin Lilly
January 7th, 2012 at 18:01
I read this posting aloud to my husband while he munched on veggies and a little ranch dip. From what I can tell, broccoli hurts when it’s in your sinuses. Who knew?
Happy 50th! In exactly one month I’ll be hitting 40. With a sledge hammer.
Congratulations on your clean bowels! I’m sure they’ll be so very photogenic for the rotorooter guy. Now I just have to get the visual of you in Orlando Jones’ role in Evolution out of my head. http://tinyurl.com/86p86nc So… What kind of ice cream do you want?
M. R. Sellars
January 7th, 2012 at 22:10
ROFL… Holy crap! We JUST watched Evolution last night. Seriously. Bwuahahahahhahahahaha!
Crymsin Lilly
January 8th, 2012 at 03:08
Ah, the impeccable timing! LOL
Just don’t forget your line; “THERE’S ALWAYS TIME FOR LUBE!”
Schueyman
January 9th, 2012 at 11:51
I love that movie. Although it is just Ghostbusters with aliens. But why would that NOT be funny?
Schueyman
January 9th, 2012 at 11:55
So Murv, you’re just a year or so ahead of me, but since I’ve been on Medicare for ten years and just got the AARP Supplemental Insurance maybe that puts me ahead of you. IDK. But I’m glad to hear your taking care of yourself just the same, cause cancer is a motherf***er, as you know. Kind of weird to think that 32 years ago when we were dowing those Pixie Stix cocktails that we’d end up where we are, but life is wierd, huh?