Hello, everyone. My name is M. R. Sellars. I’m a writer and it has been 68 days since my last blog post…
Yes, Brainpan Leakage has been woefully lacking in posts as of late. Well, woefully for some, perhaps a relief for others. Who knows? At any rate, I used to make it a point to stick to suggested convention and blog at least twice each week. It was fun while it lasted, but after a few years I discovered that social media – including regular bloggage – had become the time suck I had long feared it would. So, I went sort cold turkey. Actually, it was more Maker’s Mark on the rocks, but you get the idea.
And so, here I am, sorta blogging again. Not planning to fall back into the well with Timmy, though. He’s been down there so long he’s pretty corpsified and gross at this point. Damned Lassie. Never send a collie to do the job of a Basset Hound.
But I digress (Yeah, some things never change…)
What I came here to yammer about today is the fact that we seem to have a pandemic on our hands.
“What kind of pandemic?” you ask.
Well, near as I can tell, it is a pandemic of epic proportions. Not since the Holy Bible has there been such a global plague, and that plague seems to be attacking only the fairer sex. Yes, you ladies are those who are apparently in danger. You see, this is a case of widespread sexual frustration. Of course, not ALL women have succumbed to the virus. It appears that there are some who are immune, however, they are few and far between.
How have I arrived at this? Simple. Soccer moms getting all hot and bothered over Edward the Tinkerbell Vampire. As you can plainly see, it’s not just sexual frustration, in some cases it’s creepy pseudo-pedophile sort of sexual frustration. Can I get a collective “Ewwww!” from the audience? Yep. Thought I could.
Of course, it doesn’t stop there. Since confessionals were becoming overcrowded, and mattresses were catching fire from the hot fantasy prose penned in diaries kept tucked between mattresses, someone even took it upon herself to create some Twilight Fan-Fic BDSM Soccer Mom Porn titled 50 Shades of Grey. It’s on the NYT Bestseller list and is making all sorts of cash. That should tell you something right there.
But (saw that coming, right?)
But, it STILL doesn’t stop there… Over an above a plethora of fan-fic sort of f*ck stories propagating across the intertoobz, as well as the tried and true bodice rippers filling book racks in airports and news stands, there is a groundswell of demands for more. How do I know this? Well, I’ll tell you…
After IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER hit the shelves I started getting emails and comments from fans. Fortunately, they liked it, which made reading said comments and emails much easier. However… the ongoing theme in all of these communications that bore a decidedly female name was this: Will Ben and Constance “get together” in the next book? When will Ben and Constance be “getting together”? I can’t wait for Ben and Constance to “get together”. Let’s hope Ben and Constance “get together”… ad nauseum.
Since Ben and Constance are already dating, it’s not hard to figure out – especially when you add in all the wink wink nudge nudges in the emails – that what “get together” means is, to paraphrase Alex in A Clockwork Orange, “A bit of the old in-out, in-out…”
See what I mean? This epidemic has spread like wildfire. I mean, come on. Neither Ben nor Constance are Vampires, and they sure as hell don’t sparkle…
So, what can we do about this? Sadly, not much. However, don’t be disheartened, ladies; it’s okay. Men have been porn addicted since the dawn of time. We just have shorter attention spans, which is why we gravitate toward pictures instead of prose…
More To Come – (make of that what you will, you dirty minded little baboons…)
Until the next time,
M
B.B
March 28th, 2012 at 10:57
I’ve missed your blogs, Murv. And this one was a great one! And I don’t care if Ben and Constance ever ‘get together’. There is a reason why I read your books and the books of authors who don’t resort to porn to sell their work!
Heather Dunbar
March 28th, 2012 at 11:54
LOL… your wit has been missed. I’m not quite sure why everyone feels that all characters need to be paired up. I’ll still read the series, smut or no smut ๐
Rowan
March 28th, 2012 at 12:07
Holy crap! I’m SO glad I’m not the only one creeping out over the women-in-mid-life-crisis/sparkly vampire “thing”. As usual Murv, you’ve hit the nail on the head.
Imagine those emails twenty years from now if Ben and Constance never “get together”. The wailing and the gnashing of teeth can be heard across time, I tell ya! Hell, we already know they’re doin’ the nasty but not all of us require lurid descriptions of it. That’s what porn is for. :รพ~
P.S. For the record, I’ve missed you too. I haven’t snorted coffee out my nose in weeks!
D Alexx Miller
March 28th, 2012 at 12:51
Sparkly Vampire teen ick! Have not read the book “50 Shades of Grey” really have no desire to do so. I do not know that I would call it porn. I guess the need to identify or define the difference between “porn” and “erotica” is necessary, and BTW the last one to ask are “erotica writers” because they all think that what they write is “erotica”. Though I would beg to differ,much of what I have seen in my definition is “porn”.
Like Rowan above, I’ve missed you. Including the coffee snorting.
HUGS
Alexx
Gina
March 28th, 2012 at 19:45
Welcome back, Murv, even if it’s a once-in-a-while blog, it’s better than no blog! As far as Edward Sparkle-boy, every time I’ve attempted to watch the movies to see what all the shouting is about, I fall asleep. I guess I’m a traitor to my of-a-certain-age sisters, but I just don’t see what all the shouting is about. Of course, the frozen-faced, tetanus-jawed heroine doesn’t help wake me up, either.
But I am in agreement about Ben and Constance. I’d like to see them interact from time to time!
International Removals
April 25th, 2012 at 09:15
Welcome back Mr. Sellars!I’ve been missing your wit indeed and am happy to see you back on track! I have the highest respect for your persona, as fiction writing is my dream career and occupation, so you are a great inspiration for me!I have to tell you that have not seen none of the Twilight series, neither read the so tallked about 50 shades of Grey, none of them appeals to my interests and am trully agree with your opinion on them:)